It had been a no-brainer for Tatiana to have Christmas gifts sent to Matthew. It did not matter that she hadnât seen him in longer than she could recall, or that the last time sheâd heard his voice, it had been underwater in a dream sheâd had far too many times to count. Swimming with him in the near-frozen lake, watching the shadows of his strong, tensile limbs drifting further out into the icy current than she was capable of reaching, and hearing him call out to her one final time before she finally woke upâŠas Winter Courtâs reigning princess, Tatiana had never feared the cold, but the absence of Matthewâs presence in her life was an unforgiving chill that she just couldnât seem to shake no matter how desperately she tried. AlasâŠher feelings of fond affection for the Captain of the Guard had never wavered, nor had her still-lingering sense of devotion.
And seeing him now brought everything back. âOh!â she exclaimed breathlessly in delight when he revealed to her that he had indeed received his presents earlier on in the morning, and that heâd even given a name to the specially-bred griffin sheâd had sent his way. Heâd murmured something beforehand, too, but it had been so faint and so quiet that she hadnât quite been able to make it out. âMalen'kaya Tundra; that is being much perfect name for big manâs little familiar, and I am sure that your baby sister will becoming very fond of him before long. He is from same background as Tatiaâs Kroshka; they are sharing same bloodline!â In what was perhaps a gesture of nervousness, even though she was beaming up at him, Tatiana clutched her tiny hands together anxiously, and breathed out a small, shaky little breath. She wanted to hug him, butâŠ
There was silence, now, as Matthew stepped towards her, and a thousand different sentences started and ended on the tsarinaâs tongue long before she was able to speak them into existence. Instead, she found herself fidgeting with her pouty bottom lip, worrying away at the tender swell of it with her teeth as yet another dusting of frost from her snow owl wings gave way to her sense of apprehension. Where had he been as of late? What had he been up to? So much had happened to Tatiana within the last six months, between Ares and then Henryk, and she realized then thatâŠshe and Matthew might have been strangers, for as little as they knew about one another now. The painful dawning of it all caused her heart to break in her chest.
âMet'yu?â she began tentatively as he retrieved a velvet satchel from his pocket; heâd given her plenty of presents throughout the years, but it felt odd to accept anything from him now, despite the array of gifts she herself had delivered to his doorstep mere hours ago. Matthew took hold of her hand, then, and she instinctively fluttered her gaze downward to watch the way that his fingers, calloused and scarred, folded so gently over her own. âOh, Matthew,â she said softly, with a tiny intake of breath, and her seaglass-blue eyes opened helplessly wide when the contents of the pouch were finally revealed to her. She drew it open slowly, hesitantly, and by the time a brilliant gold ring - delicate but sturdy, with autumn leaves etched into its band - was placed in the palm of her hand, its ruby gemstone catching every light in the room as if it were blazing firelight, Tatiana felt both love and pain all at once, both tremendous and shattering.Â
âSo many years ago,â she breathed instinctively, in a voice that wobbled and stumbled over itself like the toddler-aged griffins as they learned how to walk. Her words caught, and she had to squeeze her eyes shut as the old hurt sheâd kept locked away in a box that only Matthew held the key to washed over her in a sudden wave of agony. âThis is being far more wonderful than anything I having give to you today, Met'yu,â she whispered shakily, even as her eyes remained shut and quivering; she was trying not to cry. All the while, his beautiful ring remained in the palm of her tiny hand. âBut I cannot help but wishing it not taking you so long to bring here.âÂ
He had to smile, wane and regretful before nodding his head in agreement. âI wish I had given it to you sooner too.â He responded quietly, finally lifting his gaze to meet her own. A moment passed between them before he let out a breath, grasping at her wrists in an attempt to steady himself. âThere are plenty of things I wish I had done sooner.â He didnât realize it, but he felt himself lean in just a fraction, slowly losing himself in her eyes, the blue like an ocean to a sailor, his heart moving towards the one person he was so sure of.Â
But certainty was nothing without action at the end of the day.Â
He brushed his nose against hers, breathing in everything that made her her, though not moving any closer. There was a line, and he could not bring himself to cross it for fear of absolutely shattering himself into pieces. Instead, he rested his forehead against her own and allowed himself to enjoy this moment... for deep down he knew... this may be their last. In this lifetime at least.Â
âI met you in this room... so many years ago.â His memories drifted to the absolute awe he felt when he saw her. âAnd every time after that, slowly, my heart chipped itself away till all of its pieces rested itself in your hands.â He took the ring that was in her palm before slowly sliding it onto her ring finger, wondering for a moment what it would have been like had he gotten things right. He then folded their hands together, tangling his fingers with her own till they were bound tightly.Â
A painful quiet settled between the two, cold and heavy like a tundra that he could not escape. One he didnât want to.Â
âTatiana... I have been in love with you for as long as I can remember.â He finally said, voice hoarse with emotion as he held her gaze with his. âAnd there is a part of me that thinks, perhaps I had loved you even before then.â There was a wild desperation then that creeped between his words like ivy, growing and suffocating him before finally letting out a breath of relief once spoken. He moved a free hand to cup at her cheek before shaking his head.Â
âI... I see our future in your eyes... I see our past in your smile... and I feel my present, my being, my everything when you say my name. And itâs driven me mad because I want to love you... with every fiber of my being, I want to love you.â His smile grew broken before he let out a small sigh.Â
âBut I fear I am too late.â  And in the deep crevices of his mind, a voice that sounded painfully like himself whispered.Â