In Waves

Bri went back home today for a few days. Jesse Vs and I went to the indian food market to buy food for tomorrow, the mall to get Vs ears pierced, and to lowes to get paint for my pickguard. Jesse and I painted it and hung out for a long time. Great day. 2am and everyone's home and it's just so nice to live with friends. Friends I love! I'm so lucky. Finally here. Doing so well if I look at it objectively. I just wanna write that down to remember I was happy today. 23 and I was happy

I have a lot of really good times with friends. Times I think: wow I just had a wonderful meaningful life experience. I'm gonna look back on days like today fondly. I'll never worry I wasted this time I spent with them. I feel like I rarely feel that way about relationships. I feel like I spend so much time and emotional energy trying to make sure my significant other is okay or happy, and they never are. I absorb their negativity and stress and sadness and feel it as my own. I worry about them when they don't take care of themselves, and they often don't. I worry about keeping them entertained, comfortable, safe. And then when we do spend time together, which ends up being often, I realize how little I see my friends. Billy, chris, sarah, brian... some names she may not even recognize. And have little to no interest in meeting. And then if I do want to spend time with friends I feel guilty for blowing her off. Sometimes I wonder if this just isn't the time for me in my life to be in a relationship. Maybe it's not what's most enriching for me. I'm on my last year of college now. About to start it. It fills me with absolute dread. I can't believe how much I still haven't experienced and may never experience. I want to fill this year with as much experience as I can. Really give it my all. In all parts of my life. Even academic if I can scrounge up the motivation. I'm 23. I'm going to be 24 before I know it. These are the prime years of what may be the only time I ever exist. Let's not go down that rabbit hole please. That's just too much pressure. And I fold under pressure. Into imperfect shapes of indifference and defeat. Oh boy I don't know. I am not happy like this. That's the simple truth. Regardless of what happens, something needs to change.

Life's a freakin trip man. There is no end to the anxieties I face every single day and the decisions to be made with no answer. It used to paralyze me but now I'm numb to it often. Whatever happens happens I guess. Always feels like I'm not where I should be. All I love other than my mom and all that is music. I feel like I'm actually getting to be a pretty interesting and capable songwriter. I'm able to write songs I genuinely love to listen to and that mean a lot to me but I barely have any backup from my band. It's so hard to run a band and so hard to have people put any effort in. I really think if I had the right circumstances and motivation within the band we could do a lot but I suppose the same is true for lots of people. DIY is 95% who you know it seems, as long as your music is half decent. And that's frustrating. A popularity contest of fake smiles and using the right lingo and buzzwords and dressing the right way and fitting it. So antithetical to punk in general but, in general, that's what you're going to get with any group of people I guess. We're all guilty I suppose. I'm just tired of trying so hard and nobody else caring. Said the 27493027th artist to ever have that thought. Happy birthday bri