peep the horror

I started feeling nervous day two of the campaign. Amir snapping immediately had me on guard and eyeing down Wally because I knew something was off and wrong here.

I think it's a bit obvious that Amir is falling down a similar path that Drifter did when stuck in a time loop, that apathy, the meaningless existence of a life that feels like it will never move forward. In the day 5 chat, Amir basically spells it out for you. He's alive and has everything he needs, but he's going nowhere. A fish in a tank.

The situation the Hex are all in is livable, but it's not sustainable. Drifter is proof of that, it will end one way or another, but in the loop, even death can't end it. I'll get back to this in a bit, but my next point

Amir has almost no control in his life right now. Anything he does, every choice he makes end up moot when time resets, even what he gets to remember from another time doesn't get to be a choice, seen by the interaction with Quincy and Lettie. They just pick things up and have to accept it's something that happened or has been happening and the idea that you have such little control over yourself is pretty frustrating to put it lightly. It gets even worse when you consider what Drifter has, the ability to leave 1999, to still have a future elsewhere, to repeat a year on loop, to have you forget? That has to dredge up some bitter feelings, no matter what you say.

So this leads to the FnF Campaign, Amir's way to have some semblance of control and fun in his life. He's the one in charge, he gets to make things happen, everything goes by his rules and lead. And this is something that seems familiar to me in the form of Dominus Thrax. The king of Duviri, desperate to keep the world and kingdom in his hands, it's his, not the Drifter's.

And hey, fun fact. I reset my campaign day one because I wanted to change my class and when you do this, Amir says this.

"Begin. Again."

Interesting, yeah?

Back to it, so Amir is feeling like Dominus Thrax. And Dominus Thrax who is also Drifter in a way. All comes together, long way of me saying "Yeah it's a fucked up mirror of what we would've seen Drifter go through in Duviri."

Now specifically into the contents of the game itself. Very obviously based on the events of Drifter and Operator's lives. This makes a lot of sense for Amir in my opinion, especially considering his current mental state.

Amir has proven in his main chat that sometimes, he can get a bit. Weird about the future. And by weird, I mean sometimes he can come off a bit callous. I don't think it's meant to be purposeful, I think it comes more from excitement than anything, but the issue is that he doesn't see the future as a possibility.

The future isn't tangible to him, why would it be? When he's stuck in 1999 over and over and over and over for whoever knows how long. There is no hope in Amir for reaching that future. He'll never get to have it, it's a fantasy to him. A place made up of only the stories that come from Drifter. It makes him feel meaningless. Futile. His fake plants and empty existence.

So he makes that fairy tale a place to escape to, Fables and Frontier. Once again, very familiar to a certain someone.

I hope that all makes sense, and I hope I wasn't just repeating myself on loop or saying all of the obvious. But I want to end the post on something a bit less depressing. Or maybe more depressing.

Be kind to Amir. What he's going through, it's rough to put it lightly. He's not mean by nature, and going through something really shitty.

"None of the other members are acting like this."

Arthur has an alcohol problem. Eleanor literally questioned what the point of fighting was, Lettie dissociates hard about saving the lives of her patients, saying they're all dead anyways, all of the Hex have problems.

They aren't better than Amir for "coping" in a different way. Amir is in pain and when you're in pain, you cry, you scream, etc, etc. Survival tactics and all that. It's what he's doing now and yes, he's being somewhat cruel about it, his hurt doesn't make this okay, but the only difference between the Drifter and Amir is that Drifter had no one real to lash out at except their self and Amir does. He wants to take the outstretched hand because he doesn't want to be alone and simultaneously despises it because it burns to take it. The pity, the blame, the hole he's dug himself and wants to get out by himself, but can't. It's not so different from the Duviri trailer, a Drifter reaching out, a king starting again.

Congratulations to him, the fuck up who did the one thing Drifter warned them not to do, become apathetic and caused problems with it. Be kind to him, as I think Amir is just as upset with himself as he is with everyone and everything else. Praying he takes the hand we've got open towards him.