magreca

Another day in paradise. I love my life. I enjoy the rhythm. I love being home. I love being able to not to rush the kids in the morning. I love that it is only 6 hours a day they are away from me and I get to prep for their arrival and then be more present. I love that I can support my partner mentally and be his safe ground. I am so grateful for all our kids being so happy and healthy. Tonight I went into the the evening routines with the baby with complete calm. I think that is my goal right now - to create routines that keep myself happy and calm, so I can give them the best I know - a stable, grounded mom. So I envision myself for the rest of the year: I am grounded, I am calm, I am the safe space. I can fix things, I can listen and I can harbour all feelings - happy and sad. I don't loose my cool. I am steady. I move my body daily and I raise the activity. I put my health into the routine. I move it up and hold it there. I master my space. I enjoy clean and organised surroundings, yet I don't stress if the dishes sometimes have to wait in order for us to enjoy ourselves. My day looks like: 1. slow morning with kids 2. an hour with moving my body (run, jumps, stretches) 3. 30 min with plan my day and emails 4. 30 min with sending messages to my friends and family (socialiazing) 5. 1 h with Kidzoo 6. 30 - 60 min of cleaning and organising home and clothes. 7. 15 min journaling daily 8. 2 - 4 hours of studying. 9. pickup and playtime with kids 10. reading 30 min I eat cleaner, I drop sweets. I have finaly gotten paperwork in order to start on Riga apartments project!

Could it be that one a woman becomes a mother, they give so much, that after coming out of the baby bubble, there is no way back to the previous self? It is like giving yourself all up, then receiving something way much more than you ever had and then discovering who this person is now? I am unsure, but it is completely transforming. I dont believe that you can come into the motherhood and stay unchanged or turn back to who you were before.

Caring for someone so deeply changes everything. All the details that motherhood includes - carrying and growing another tiny human being, then bringing it on this side - birthing someone, then taking care of it, breastfeeding... each thing separately is a journey of itself, but all the thing together - motherhood is the most beautiful journey there is. There is no other trip in the world as this one. In every level in every way. If someone ever says they weren't affected that much - mark me - they lie.

xx

Mūsu attiecības vienmēr ir bijušas ļoti sarežģītas. Kad man jautā par manu mammu, es nopūšos un saku, ka viegli nav. Un godīgi sakot, nekad jau arī nav bijis. Ja neskaita mani kā mazu bērnu, kam mamma ir dieva vietā, apzinātas dzīves laikā mums labu attiecību nav bijis nekad.

Bērnība

Man bija pati skaistākā bērnība. Vasaras Jūrmalas jūras baltajās smilīts. Manas atmiņas par mammu tajā laikā ir miglainas. Bulduru mājā dzīvojām līdz man bija 5. vai 6. gadi.

Atceros, ka gulēju divstāvu gultā, tajā laikā, man šķiet vēl apaksējā stāvā un atceros mammu un tēti kliedzam. Atceros, ka sarunājos ar brāli un jautāju - kāpēc mamma kliedz un raud. Viņš klusumā neko īsti neatbildēja. Cauri durvīm izklausījās, ka tētis mammu sita, bet vēlākos gados es uz savas ādas esmu izjutusi, kā mamma prot sagrozīt situācijas un arī ja tētis pacēla roku - es zinu tās dusmas un verdošās asinis vēnās, kad aizslēgto durvju dēļ biju tuvu lēcienam no 9. stāva balkona. Es nezinu vai tur bija paceltas rokas, vai kāds tiešām bija sists vai arī nē.

Life has a new meaning.

You smell like me in a better way. Y

You are active and you start showing some character 😅 when you want something, you want it now, you want it all. You are unstoppable.

You tried your first porridge on 14.07.23. You threw it up though…

Today you slept a lot… was it the rain? I was sleepy too. You are getting stronger and stronger in your back- you can easily sit on your own, only sometimes the head pulls you on the side. I must be crazy careful. And you can move backwards, but not forwards. Since GATEBIL you are sooo moving around when put down. Rolling and twisting all around the room!

You are your best friend - you love talking with yourself in the mirror 😅🙈 and you are such a happy happy little person!

Love is You. You grow so fast. Every day there is something new. You are very keen on getting up on your little legs. That makes you very happy. You had your first "dive" on 14.06.23. and you got out of the water happy and laughing. You are the only baby who has ever laughed in the swimming group.

You have this crazy calmness about you, that really reminds your daddy, and in the same time you are always on the move - like you are rushing to get forward. Rushing to see everything, feel everything. You had your first hot summer rain drops on your skin yesterday. We were standing on the terrace and smelling it in. Apple trees have already bloomed over, the same with ceriņi, but peonies are about to pop any given moment.

I have to be very careful with you, because you have started to roll and move around even when lying on a safe spot, you keep turning around like a little spinner.

You like to explore and you often wander off outside the window. It looks like you would just get up on your little feet and just go. One day you will and I will cry. I will cry a lot. About everything, and forgive me for that, and forgive me that I will make you embarrassed. It is just so unimaginably difficult to explain the love and care in the heart, when you love a kid.

xx

I wish he had more willingness to make me happy on this matter as well. I am going into a world, where my daughter will carry a name I would have never picked. He could have just been a bit more sensitive about the topic, as same as about going to Latvia...

We don't go there often and I am afraid that it is going to be even less now that we have a baby. That makes me sad. I so miss my friends. I miss that dad would drop by to take me for a car trip to the seaside. I miss seaside. I wonder if he really understands all the things I gave up to be with him. I wonder if someone who does not have the same love for these things would ever understand not having them anymore. I miss being able to have my own safety net and easier access and chances to things I was used to. Now I am in his world. Not even his wife or anything. I am always there for every need that may rise for the kids.

This is from the sad book. Lyrics. Now I am going to close it and concentrate on the good part - on the safety, care, love that I have. Mountains, home, family that has taken me in almost as their own. Mostly I am grateful for my daughter and all the chances and opportunities that she will have because of my choices. She is born here. She is a part of Lala land. Now she has Lala-blood.

I would have so wanted you to be Romija or Lulu. My little Lulu.

n weirdoes

Life has changed completely, but the greatest changes I still have to make. Those inside of me. I want to learn to sit and walk with straight back.

I want to have healthy routines with stretches and exercises at home.

I want to fix my teeth.

I want to learn to make decisions not based on pleasing others and I want to live, not to exist.

I wanted her to be Romija or Romia. Strong and bold. But I have decided to go for Sonja, because I know how much her father like this name. I am giving in, but I also need to learn to accept it and be happy about it. These days I am so emotional. About E V E R Y T H I N G. And I guess that is exactly how it should be. Up and down and all over the place... I have to learn to turn these feelings around and change my way of looking at them.

From - "why does he not help me with baby more" to "I have more time with her".

It's funny that even now writing to my "diary" instead of being completely honest, I am thinking about that someone could read it and so, I am editing my own text not to sound wrong about something.

It is hard to admit, that I would like more help, so I could feel a little more human and manage some of the things that I want to manage better. It is hard to admit, that I am going in for a name, that I still don't like that much and only to please my loved one.

I think the rest of my life will be work with myself to REbuild myself into a better person than I am. To clean out all the dirt. A lot of thoughts about EVERYTHING....

from problems to solutions.

It is a new shade of me that either I never knew about or just recently embodied. Anger. Impatience. Depressive thinking. Sadness. All of these things together. I don't even know how to cope with this new reality that I live in. And the craziest is that everything is so good otherwise. Life is good. Life is simple. Life has a lot of routines and a lot of joy. Kids laughter. But still in the middle of all of this, from time to time, something little happens wrongly, that throws me completely down and I don't know how to pick myself up. Everything hurts. How to fight it and how to get rid of it? 

I am going to sleep. My head is hurting like hell. See you soon

I am back. But am I? Am I going to manage to post every day, or am I going to drop it, like i have dropped so many things. All the things. I drop the ball way too often... But, as they say - we have to keep trying. 

So today I was supposed to be home alone. With myself. Do you think that it was for long? 2 hours later, while I am playing with makeup in the bathroom, and I have a full makeup on, I can hear someone opening the door. So embarrassing. (facepalm)

It might be, that the facepalm is still my favorite emoji. 

There are days when I feel like I have let go of you, and there are days, when I clearly feel, that I haven't at all.  What do you do with the dream castles built in your imagination. Do you tear them down or do you let time to slowly bring them back to dust?

No vienas puses es gribu lai tas beidzas, lai es varu iet uz priekšu, lai varu ļaut sevi mīlēt tā pavisam. Lekt pavisam. Bet es nevaru. Vēljoprojām Tu dzīvo viscauri manām domām un sajūtām. 

Es dusmojos un cenšos dusmoties stiprāk un vairāk. Ceru, ka ar dusmām pazudīs arī tas. No dziesmu grāmatas “Bet Tu taču nekad nebiji man blakus”, “Tevi nekad neinteresēja mana sirds”, “es nezinu, kas Tevi vispār interesēja”, “kāpēc Tevis nekad nebija” - es zinu visas dziesmas no galvas. Es viņas sarakstīju. 

Nekam no šī visa nav itin nekādas loģikas. Es Tevi mīlu tāpat. Bez iemesla. Bez vajadzības. Un tik stipri ka sāp, bet tāpat, tas nekad nebeidzas.