Everything

“Ten years from now, make sure you can say that you chose your life, you didn’t settle for it.”

“In what world can lovers be friends Could you handle the gossip of who I went home with last night Would you want to discuss details of how I am falling for another How he is Prince Charming and doesn’t toy with my trust What if I told you, over coffee and chai lattes that I am meeting his parents and I need you to help with my nerves Could you handle how he loves taking photos of me and blasts it all over social media Wouldn’t it hurt you and fill you with regret that he does all that you once didn’t and he is the reason behind the smile you always loved Wouldn’t it be like salt to the wound that I’ve achieved happiness Happiness that I searched for from you but could not find?”

All I know is that I’ve wasted all these years looking for something, a sort of trophy I’d get only if I really, really did enough to deserve it. But I don’t want it anymore, I want something else now, something warm and sheltering, something I can turn to, regardless of what I do, regardless of who I become.

You,“ he said, “are a terribly real thing in a terribly false world, and that, I believe, is why you are in so much pain.

And kid, you’ve got to love yourself. You’ve got wake up at four in the morning, brew black coffee, and stare at the birds drowning in the darkness of the dawn. You’ve got to sit next to the man at the train station who’s reading your favorite book and start a conversation. You’ve got to come home after a bad day and burn your skin from a shower. Then you’ve got to wash all your sheets until they smell of lemon detergent you bought for four dollars at the local grocery store. You’ve got to stop taking everything so goddam personally. You are not the moon kissing the black sky. You’ve got to compliment someones crooked brows at an art fair and tell them that their eyes remind you of green swimming pools in mid July. You’ve got to stop letting yourself get upset about things that won’t matter in two years. Sleep in on Saturday mornings and wake yourself up early on Sunday. You’ve got to stop worrying about what you’re going to tell her when she finds out. You’ve got to stop over thinking why he stopped caring about you over six months ago. You’ve got to stop asking everyone for their opinions. Fuck it. Love yourself, kiddo. You’ve got to love yourself.