Do not perceive Me 

But that didn't make it a one-person job. You wanted to execute this in a secretive and well put together manner. You equipped yourself with the one person you knew would make this a success. That being Ashtray. Not only would he be going to a farm for the first with his favorite people. 

Ash could surprise his little sister and his big brother. 

You considered telling Faye, but there was no way she wouldn't end up ruining the surprise. Or forgetting about it. 

Making a plan and fake plan to cover up the real one was the easy part. Getting Fez to agree to the fake plan though, was harder than you expected.

"Uhh, I don't know, I'm tryna stay away from carnivals. Don't want people thinkin' I'm selling with my baby. Either of y'all" Fezco stated honestly. 

"No, no, it's one far from here." You assure him. "They have a small petting zoo, I wanted you guys to see the little ducks. We feed them too by hand." 

Your excitement makes Fez smile, but hesitation can't help but hold him back. 

"I don't know baby, I don't want her getting bit by no duck." he tells you honestly. 

A happy huff of air leaves your nose as you smile. It's hard not to chuckle at him, but for the sake of this surprise, you hold back. 

"Now you know they don't bite, and they're baby ducks. They see people all the time, so they're probably used to being petted." 

In all honesty, you didn't know if ducks bite people. They probably did, but that was something to worry about at the farm. 

"I don't know that." he says matter-of-factly "My baby ain't losing no finger to a duck." 

A laugh leaves you with no control, and it's clear Fezco's insulted by your making light of your daughter hypothetically getting hurt. He and Ashtray never played or joked about that when it came to her. 

"That's not funny y/n, why you laughing ?" Fez tells you in an overly serious voice. 

His former "I'm not playing voice" and his now daddy voice. 

"I'm not, I'm not laughing." you tell him through the hand that was covering your wide smile.

Well, you were trying not to. 

"Yes you are, and I'm gon tell her too."

"Okay, okay, stop. No animal is gonna bite her or her fingers off. Or bite anyone, period." The last word is accentuated with a passion.  "We won't feed the animals but we can look at them."

With a tilted head, you look at your lover with a soft, undeniable gaze. You knew that it was less about the animals and more about Fezco wanting to shield your daughter from the world. She was his angel after all. 

"You right, but they start acting up we going straight to the car. I ain't risking it."

Getting up from your spot on the couch, you met Fez on the other side. Holding his chin you press a long kiss to Fezco's cheek. Showering him in thank you's. Between peppered kisses and his laughs. While beaming at his response you could still sense his cautious side. 

"I love you baby, we're gonna have so much fun." You tell your man before gasping. "I gotta figure out what we're gonna wear." 

Parents or not, the both of you loved dressing in matching or complimenting outfits. And being a family had only made the urge stronger. 

"What's the color we going with ?" Fezco asks, pulling you into his lap. 

He wraps his arms around you and holds you close. Fez's chin finds home on your shoulder and his nose delves into the crook of your neck.

"Hmm I'm thinking blue, sky blue." 

"Blue and white would be cute. Yall can wear them bows we got at the store."

"Oh you just reminded me, we need to buy decorations."

"We don't gotta do too much." 

Fezco loved to downplay the day. Wanting it to be a celebration of family more than fatherhood.

"Don't worry it's gonna be something light." you lie effortlessly. "Just some balloons, flowers... new shoes, new chain." 

The last words leave you quietly yet nothing is missed by your ginger lover. In hopes of distracting the protest you knew was coming from Fez. Your hand finds the side of his freckled face, caressing the man's growing facial hair and jaw. 

"Nah nah nah." he's quick to shut the idea down, shaking his head as he speaks. 

"Yes, yes, yes." you rebutted simply.

"Save your money baby," Fezco's go-to response when anyone wanted to spend on him. "Matter fact, spend it on mini me." 

He leaves your neck only for a moment to speak. Before returning to the safe, well known aroma of your soft brown skin.

"For what ? We both know that little girl is spoiled rotten, and you let her run your pockets like it's her job."

It was true. Everyone knew it. Fezco recognized Marie was too young to really know the value of money. But her smile and innocent "Thank you's" were worth the world. It made the cash feel like nothing. 

"Shit it is, yours too though." 

"Just this year let me do something special."

It slips out slightly with no realization. Yet he catches it with ease. 

"Oh you gon do something special for me ?"

"I always do something special for you." 

You answer quick on your feet and nervously look to the side. Hoping his silence was agreement and not speculation. 

"Aight baby, do whatever you want." Fezco tells you calmly before pressing a kiss to your cheek. 

The afternoon and evening before Father's Day you and Ashtray took time to set up decorations. While the rest of the house played dress up and picked tomorrow's outfits. Eventually of course coming out to join and "help". It started with Ash in charge of the helium tank, keeping it away from Marie and Faye to be specific. But it ended with all of you doing it the old fashion way and covering the floor. 

There was something so special about watching him be able to lose his cold demeanor and have fun. Even if it was just blowing up balloons and letters for Marie. It reminded you of your younger years and past holidays or celebrations with your own family. Through a nostalgic lens there were certainly good times. As you grew older though and they grew more infrequent, a lack of care was clear. 

With Fezco and Ashtray not necessarily seeming like the celebratory type. You expected a life of casual events and simply letting the days pass. But Fezco apparently remembered and liked your party throwing ways. Encouraging you at the time to continue doing what you were doing if it made you happy. Even shopping around with you and paying for all the ridiculously expensive supplies. 

"Life is worth celebrating." he says, rolling up. 

You wait in silence for him to add a "sometimes" but Fezco doesn't. 

"Yea but not with a like full blow party every time." 

"Why not ?" His icy blue irises look up at you for a split second. 

"I have no one to invite."

It wasn't completely true, you could invite family and people from school. That didn't mean they would show up. 

"You gon be there right ? Invite yourself."

You can't help but roll your eyes and respond dryly. 

"Funny."

"I'm dead ass, make a lil invitation card for yourself." He brings the joint to his pink lips, using his tongue to wet it and fingers to seal the paper. "Guest of honor and the hostess." 

You watch him in silent amazement. Not only could Fez roll up, he looked good doing it. It took embarrassingly months for you to learn. Even after watching him and Rue demonstrate multiple times. Maybe it was the weed, but his eyes made you nervous. 

"And only person in attendance." You added sourly as he lit the joint. 

But of course, he always had an answer for everything. 

"That makes it even more special though, real exclusive." 

You can't help but laugh. Unsure if he was being sweet or just messing with you. You were honestly becoming too high to care. He was right, you could just do it for yourself. But you weren't interested in admitting that tonight. 

"Shut the fuck up." you joked, sitting up and taking the joint from his fingers. 

"If you do another one imma come. Invite me. Ash too." 

"No you won't." 

Though it's said with a hazy smile and humorous tone, Fez knows you're serious this time. 

"Yes we will." 

His insistence is somewhat sweet. Yet the thought of another empty party held you back. You didn't want to keep being negative and certainly didn't want to be let down again. Instead, you just let it go and focused on enjoying your soon-to-be elevated high. 

"Okay," you nod, "Imma hold you to that." 

"You could do whatever you want. Just pass it when you ready." 

You stay quiet simply smiling and rolling your eyes. Catching the ginger haired man clearly having fun with this conversation. 

The next morning in the O'Neil house was rather cozy. Waking up to a decorated home on a holiday was nice. Even Grandma Marie's room was looking festive. You wanted Fez to stay in bed and eat his cereal, but little Marie was on a pancake kick. So everyone was up having breakfast and letting Fezco watch his favorite show in peace. 

Knowing it wouldn't be long until he was on a farm, like "Little House on the Prairie". You danced happily as you flipped pancakes. Regardless of how graphic the older show felt at times. Today was his day, how he wanted it. So technically everyone's day.

Except Faye's if you asked Ashtray.

"Can I match with you guys today?" Faye asked, chewing her breakfast sandwich. 

"Hell no." Ash whispered as he ate his Cheerios. 

"Sure. What do you want to wear ?" 

Your motherly side took over and you were hoping Ash would take the high road. She had a rather eager ear at times. Knowing and hearing some things she shouldn't. To make things worse Faye had an unpredictable mouth. If she knew, she'd eventually tell. 

After eating, you and Fezco worked on dishes, and then with Marie you all got ready. You wore something unlike your own style. A long light blue gingham dress, It definitely screamed more farm than carnival. But Fezco loved it. Dressing his baby girl in a pair of overalls to match mommy's vibe.

"Oh the ducks gon love this."

At the sight of Fez's phone you instantly shift into posing and performing. 

"Carnival ready. Happy Father's Day baby." 

"Quack quack." Marie added, staring into the mirror with her hands on the straps of her overalls. "Quack quack."

Fezco followed your lead, only it was a light blue and white striped shirt. As always Ashtray kept it simple with a jumpsuit. Before a polo shirt suggestion and the thought of matching with Fez changed his mind. Faye somewhat matched with Marie, wearing a short denim shirt and blue cardigan. Which you wondered belonged to her or your daughter. Lastly Marie and Ashtray gifted Fezco with a new gold chain. 

Marie handed him the small box, wrapped with a bow. While you felt gold was more his color. Maybe silver would have gone better with this shirt. Yet his pure appreciation and smile left no room for regret. He quickly let you put it on and thanked you with a kiss on the cheek. 

Knowing you wouldn't get away with just giving him directions. You put the location into your phone's GPS and used his to play music on the way there. It didn't take long for the busy streets and buildings to become acres of land with lone homes. Beyond the smell, bugs, and narrow roads. It was so undeniably beautiful. 

Pulling up to the gated driveway, you and Ashtray faked confusion well. Having Ash call the owners for "directions". With the sight of a ferris wheel in the distance uphill, it didn't seem like Fez was catching on. But he was growing cautious. You couldn't blame him, beautiful or not this type of area could be off-putting. 

"They said we should keep driving up and we'll see an entrance." 

"Aight, let's go."

This drive is a much shorter one. Only a few minutes up the road and you could all see the big, bright carnival sign with ease.  Excitement fills the car, and Marie is already bouncing out of her car seat. Fezco quickly finds a parking spot, and the whole family jumps out. With a young child it was a joint effort everywhere, keeping an eye on and holding hands with Marie. 

Approaching the carnival gates a certain overwhelming feeling consumed you. Being able to surprise and gift your family with an amazing day made you happier than they would ever know. And having Ash play a part in it only made it better. Together you and him pull the gingers aside, covering their eyes with your hands. When Faye notices, she decides to do the same to herself. 

With a short countdown, you yelled "Surprise!" in unison, moving your hands and revealing a split path. The carnival on the right was active and loud, demanding attention. But on the left was green as far as the eye could see. You gave him a moment to read the sigh above. Watching his soft blue eyes light up as a joyful grin pinched his cheeks. 

"Okay, I promise this is the last surprise today but I-" Fezco pulls you into a hug before you can finish speaking. 

None of them could hold back. Marie and Faye jump with delight beside you before Fezco scoops his daughter up. Ashtray smiles in a way that puts his braces on full display, it's adorable to see. 

"Surprise baby!" You told your giggling little girl. "Are you excited ? We're gonna go see all the farm animals and the farmers." 

"We gon see the horses and-" Fezco happily names off different animals and characters from Little House on the Prairie for Marie. 

"What about the ducks ?" Faye asked. "I brought bread." 

'Yea... Yea we're gonna go see and feed the ducks don't worry." 

"Okay good."

"What do yall wanna do first?" Ash asked, still smiling. 

"I wanna ride a horse." Marie exclaims. 

"I mean we gotta get down there first." 

"We're not walking right ?" Faye questioned. 

"No, there's a tractor coming to pick us up." 

"Ridin' in style." 

You can't help but laugh. 

"Yea, riding in style."

"Thank you baby." Fezco's voice held an unmatched sincerity.

"You're welcome, Happy Father's day."

He kisses your cheek and pulls you into another hug, rocking with you before separating. 

"I love you y/n." 

You let his words linger in the air. 

"I love you too Fez... and Ashtray helped me." You point to the blushing boy.

Fezco turns and shifts his attention. 

"Thank you Ash." Pulling him into a bear hug and patting his back firmly. "I shoulda known yall was working behind my back."

You playfully rolled your eyes at the comment.

"Always Fez. Happy Father's day man."

All my Fezco works, All my ‘work’

Watches Halloween movies all October with you and the girls

Starts planning costumes months in advance

Scares and pranks you because it makes the girls laugh

Starts a scare and prank war in the family

Youngest daughter seems unfazed by Spencer's scares and can always tell it's him under the mask

makes part of the house haunted

spends a little too much on decorations

gives candy out to children in the apartment and on cases

loves letting his daughters do his makeup and choose costumes

Makes and loves eating orange and Halloween themed rice crispy treats

Includes family pets in on costumes

does family cosplay of favorite books, tv shows and movies

likes to dress in odd, morbid costumes with the kids

takes everyone to film festivals & theaters

always pretends to be scared when his daughters scare him

takes time to hand make outfits for accuracy, learns how to sew

Loves leaving little spooky notes, drawing, and facts in their lunch boxes

Has many creepy masks

adores when his daughters call it all hallows eve

shows you and the girls pictures of little him from past Halloweens from his mom's photo book

Dresses up as historical figures and authors with his daughters, usually it's their idea

asks you to help him make a group chat for a big BAU group costume, either superhero's, fairy tales, or as each other

Offers to babysit Sergio, so Emily can go party

Buys and tries crazy pumpkin flavored coffee and drinks with you, your daughters and Penelope

Bakes and gives out cookies and halloween treats in the office

gives out full bars of chocolate, leaves a bowl out for late treaters

commits too hard to acting like his costume character

loves teaching and playing scary piano music

Rotates trick or treating with team members and their families

Has a very large halloween themed sock and tie collecting

buys matching halloween cardigans for the family

buys excessive snacks for school/class partying

makes a small alter with Penelope for passed loved ones, pets and historical figures

adds orange and colorful braiding hair to his daughters braids, along with black and orange beads

It's exactly why you stayed away from relationships. It seemed every time you found yourself single and happy. A man had to come along and ruin it. Though you weren't against taking accountability, there was a common denominator. And you couldn't have been the problem every time, right?

But Spencer wasn't the problem, problem, was he ? Dilaudid was, stress was. Not him, and certainly not you. Life just got too much for him, and your relationship was caught in the crossfire. Or at least that's what you were telling yourself when you weren't over scrutinizing and rethinking everything.

While you tried to tiptoe around the details of your relationship with care. Sydney preferred a bulldozer. All in the name of helping you move on, stay grounded in, and reconnecting with reality. You had no idea she felt so strongly about him. Maybe you weren't paying enough attention to her after all. 

Plus, there was the whole Lila Archer thing that Sydney was suddenly not letting you forget. You tried to remind her that it was technically before the two of you were dating. And Spencer wasted no time clearing it up, even going to lengths to fix things. 

“Bitch, you're lying.” Sydney said, in pure disbelief. 

“I'm serious; he even offered to call her and everything. He swore it was all media misconstruing what really happened. He saved her life at the end of the da-”

“And you believed that shit?” her speculation only heightened.

“Yea… plus I felt bad,” you admitted.

“For yourself ?” she asked quickly. 

“For her,” you clarified. 

“Why ?” her tone more disgusted than genuinely curious. 

At first, you were upset, obviously. But with Spencer, not Lila. After seeing the magazine, your curiosity got the best of you, and you read it. Learning about what she went through from afar. 

Before the Fisher King situation, you had no real idea what Spencer experienced and worked with daily. All you got was a postcard and a threatening call, Elle practically lost her life. It made you look at what happened or what may have happened differently. You knew what it was like to be scared like that. Terrified even in your own home, and to feel protected by Spencer. 

“She could've died if Spencer wasn't there, her own best friend too. I don't know, I just can't justify holding that against him.”

Sydney didn't seem to care, drowning you out and focusing on the movie playing in front of her. All while hogging the popcorn bowl. Trying to take her approach, you didn't speak on or about Spencer. Though, you couldn't stop thinking about him as easily. 

But watching romance movies gave Sydney plenty of conversation starters. Or more so, suggestions or rules for moving on. 

“You should block him,” she says matter-of-factly. “It's the easiest way to make sure you don't do anything stupid.”

You chuckled, entertaining your friend's idea. Knowing damn well, you were far from agreeing. 

“Like what?”

“Drunken 3 am call or 3 pm.”

You rarely drank, and when you did, texting wasn't your forte. Food was. That, or sex.

“If I want to text Spencer, I don't need to be drunk to do it,” you told her before eating a spoonful of ice cream. 

“Do you really think he'll reply ?”

You shrugged in truth, though a small part of you knew deep down the answer was yes. Or at least you hoped it was. 

“I doubt it, I mean-”  she licks her spoon. “He did break up with you.” 

The cool, sweet taste suddenly felt sour. When you told her about breaking up with Spencer, the detail of who did it was one you kept vague. In truth, you knew it didn't matter. But it was the circumstances behind it that you wanted to keep secret.  

“Why do you say that ?” you asked genuinely.

“You aren't bragging about breaking his heart or complaining about how toxic he was.” 

“Bragging. Really?”

Your somewhat confident tone is now unamused. Throwing the cover off yourself, you stood and made your way to the kitchen. Having someone over to judge your mess made it easier to try to clean. Rinsing off your bowl and spoon, you took a moment to organize them for when you had the motivation to do them. 

“Nothing to say about this one, huh?” she says with a small smile as she plays with the melting chocolate. “First time for everything, I guess.”

With the breakup, you were well aware your emotions were running high. Right now, it didn't take much to trigger you. If it wasn't sadness, it was anger or, worse, depression. That agonizing numbness. And somehow Sydney was hitting all cylinders. 

But you wanted to give your best friend the benefit of the doubt. She just wanted some relationship gossip. Just like anyone else. That of course, didn't necessarily mean you had to give it to her. 

“Things just happen.” 

Your response is boring and bland. Clearly not what she wanted. Unentertained, she finished her ice cream and met you at the sink. She drops the bowl in with yours, the sound of clashing dishes makes you jump as she walks away.

“I still think you should do it. I know you'll thank me later.” 

Even with Sydney's opposing view on your relationship. It felt good to have someone familiar by your side. To watch trashy, unsophisticated movies with, not films or documentaries. To yell at the screen with and not listen to his soft voice translate the words. To fall asleep on the couch and wake up with and not alone while he's gone working on a case.

Waking up slowly, Sydney searched the dark room. Dazed, she rummaged the soft cover before panicking, not knowing where her phone was. A sigh of relief left her as she felt the familiar shape only to find it was not her phone but yours. It takes her a second to pause the reading voice, but with your phone in her hand, she can't help herself. Investigating the screen, she scoffed at the thought of you reading some article.

“y/n.” she called your name softly.

Checking to see if you were awake, she does it again before continuing on your phone. Sliding up, she doesn't waste time looking through it. Instead, Sydney finds your messages, and it doesn't take long for Spencer's contact to be found. The name “baby boy 💜📚” paired with a lowly lit picture of the two of you and no new messages made it clear you two hadn't been in contact. 

Spencer was rightfully giving you space and unsure what to do, you were doing the same. The wound was still fresh, but Sydney knew how to help you heal. There was no way she'd let a boy get in between the two of you. Certainly not Spencer, of all people. 

Her dark curiosity doesn't have to try hard to get the best of her. With fast thumbs, Sydney scrolls through your private conversation. Eyes glued to the screen as she read. Months of late night texts, date plans, and false promises. For what ? It was incredible to her; you really thought Spencer loved you. 

It was sad and deluded. 

Without thinking twice, Sydney blocks Spencer's contact. Deleting your text history before doing the same to his number.   Taking it a step further, she clears your phone's recently deleted. Just like that, Spencer was no longer a problem for either of you. 

Next chapter – 23 – The beginning of the end

All chapters – 1, 2,3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26, 27, 28, Spencer Reid masterlist

In truth, he knew that this was exactly what you wanted. The thought of it made his dick jump in his suddenly tight boxers. Rodrick remembers the way your thick brown thighs stretched the sheer material. Apart from how good you looked, he couldn't get over the idea of you getting all dressed. For him.

Almost shamefully, Rodrick balled your underwear in his hand. Before returning to his bed. Carefully, he revealed the bundle of fabric against his pale palm. Was he really going to do this ? Was it really that wrong ?

It didn't take long for Rodrick's desire to choose for him. With his free hand, Rodrick stroked his bulge over his pajama pants. Thumbs working in unison as he teased his tip and caressed the little bow. Imagining he was touching you and not this silly piece of fabric. Making you feel just as good as you made him. 

“Fuck.” he cursed quietly before taking in a sharp breath of air. 

Rodrick's brown eyes couldn't help but flutter shut at the thought of you. Slowly he rested his head back as his roaming gentle thumb became a firm, rough grip. But the friction wasn't enough. Rodrick needed more of you. 

With his pants gone, he wastes no time indulging in memories. Wetting his thumb before bringing it to his aching pink tip. Precum already dripping as he swirled the flat of his thumb. Sending instant waves of pleasure through him. Sneaky moans and shaking breaths slipping out as Rodrick began to stroke himself. 

Tightly, Rodrick held his souvenir. Soft black fabric flowing between his fingers. He wondered if you were doing the same. Chasing the same high as him. With him. 

“Faster y/n faster,” he urged you, chasing his orgasm. 

Behind his shut eyes, Rodrick remembers the way you moaned beside him. The way that small pink bow shock as you worked your fingers on your clit. The slick sounds of arousal filled his ears. So easily, you unraveled with him. Nothing like the shy, good girl everyone else knew. 

But everything, like the girl he liked, the girl you really were. One who came to his room to have sex and left with no underwear on. Who reads dirty books without a care. 

“Fuck ahh, good girl.” 

He wanted more, needed more. Abandoning his teasing touch, Rodrick quickly exchanges it for something much rougher. With both hands, he stroked himself, bucking his hips into the wet, tight mess he created. Fucking it the way he hoped you enjoyed.

Would you watch him with those brown, lustful eyes? Shudder in excitement at the sight of his dick in one hand and your underwear in the other. If he were a character in your book would hide him in your top drawer, under your pillow, like a dirty secret. Read him over and over until... until. 

Rodrick is wordless as he comes. Struggling to say your name, he can't help but call out to you. Burying the side of his face into his pillow, Rodrick turned to you. Only to be met with nothing but empty sheets and summer memories.

Fluttering his eyes open, Rodrick hesitated for a moment. Staring at the milky white ropes that now covered his hands and your underwear. He knew what he wanted to do, but instead Rodrick cautiously brought his fingers to his mouth. Humming happily as the warmth of his orgasm hit his tongue. The taste reminded him of you.

Once the high of his orgasm was gone, Rodrick's head was pulled out of the clouds. He was back on earth, left alone in his room with nothing. Nothing but memories of summer. That and your ruined underwear. 

God he missed you. His dirty angel.

my full masterlist

The moment the elevator doors opened you were spotted by Derek and the rather eccentric woman by his side. Penelope was her name, you remembered her quirky style and close relationship to Spencer's best friend. According to the two of them it was a slow day at the BAU. And with no case or paper work they were happy to entertain you. At least until Spencer noticed.

Starting with a quick tour of their office floor. Showing you the small kitchen, Spencer made his overly sweet coffee in. The vending machines he bought his daily sweet treats from. And the desk he sat in beside Derrick and E…

“Elle right ?” you asked without thinking. “She left right?”

Penelope’s smile flattened into a straight line. Her face held the same sad expressions Spencer’s did when talking about the former agent. You reminisce on the night that now felt like ages ago. Spencer crying in your arms and sharing memories now soaked in guilt. 

“Who sits there now ?” 

“Emily does. Emily pren-”

As if almost on cue, the dark haired woman sat down. 

“Tiss.” Penelope looked to you. “Speak of the devil. Y/n L/n, Emily Prentiss.” 

She introduced the two of you and, as most agents do, She shook your hand. Maybe it was her hair or her physic, but it was hard to ignore the glaring similarities between the two. Their names even started with the same letter, it was almost unnerving. 

“It’s nice to finally meet you y/n. All this time I thought maybe Reid having a girlfriend was an inside joke.” 

“Does Spencer joke about me often ?”

Her wide smile is quick to drop. 

“No-No of course not it's mostly Morgan. Only good things, of course.” she tried her best to assure you. “I see you two have the same sense of humor.”

You chuckle in hopes to ease the unwarranted tension. 

“Sorry I’m just having a long day and Spencer he’s-”

“Trust me I know. You should try working with him.” Emily smiled in distress.

“The two of you aren't getting along?”

Besides you, Penelope scoffed. Slyly speaking up before taking a sip from her coffee. 

“That would be an understatement.”

You were almost surprised to hear that your relationship wasn't the only place Spencer struggled in. It brought an odd comfort and unsettling realization. You weren't the only one noticing the change in him. And you weren't the only one impacted, either. 

“Let’s just say we're butting heads.” 

You wanted to question her further but being caught at Spencer's desk talking to someone he clearly didn't like wasn't a good idea. Let alone showing up to his work unannounced. 

Cutting the conversation short with Emily, Penelope finished her tour with her tech room. Showing you her work space and abstract decor. The large collection of black screens was an interesting sight, yet she looked at home nonetheless. 

“I hope I’m not keeping you from anything important.”

Though she’d told you it was a “slow” day, it was still the FBI after all. 

“Nope.”

“No-No I um, I just wanted to see if we had time to talk.”

Gossip. You wanted to gossip with her and a small part of you both knew it was about Spencer. Working with him and being in a relationship with him, you both saw different sides to Spencer’s struggle. 

“Oh I’m all ears.”

“It’s nothing really I just… What did Emily mean by butting heads? I know it’s a hard transition with Elle being gone but butting heads ?” you tried to keep a disinterested tone. 

You knew little to nothing about the new agent beyond her name. But the thought of Spencer taking his grief out on her and to a certain extent you, was an uneasy one. Was he using dualidid to forget Elle? Or the blooded soaked memories ?

“From what I’ve heard from Derrick they’re like two cats meeting for the first time with Arron having to pull Spencer off Emily.” 

Your lips parted in surprise. 

“Verbally of course. That and the tension. Not sexual, of course, that's all me and chocolate thunder?” 

You wanted to press for more, but you weren't sure how. Penelope wasn't just a coworker but a close friend. If Spencer was hiding his usage from you, there was no way she would know anything beyond his change in behavior. And even if she did, would she tell you? 

Would anyone in this building? It was just another thing you hadn't thought too far into. 

It meant not only you, but an agent too, acknowledging and admitting that Spencer was using dualidid. That he’d at worst stolen from a dead body and at best just from a case. And remembering how it landed into your hands only made things worse, if the date on the article was accurate. Spencer had it with him all this time, in his bag, of all places. 

Was he using at work ? Was this evidence, were you evidence of it? There was no way you could tell anyone working here without them having to report it. Spencer could lose his job, or… The deeper you thought, the darker it got. 

“Could you show me the bathroom?” 

You weren't sure whether you wanted to throw up or cry, but your lack of breakfast chose for you. Overcome with a rush of emotions, you couldn't help but burst into tears in the quiet, empty bathroom. Sobbing as you struggled to catch your breath and stop the overflowing tears. You hated crying, especially when it was long overdue. It always left you with a headache, heartache and worst puffy eyes. 

The sound of the heavy wooden door opening followed by the click of heels against the floor was quick to shut you up. Forcing you to even your breath as wiped away tears. A lousy attempt at cleaning your face and hiding your pain. That along with the surprising thin toilet paper or lack thereof. Of all places, you expected the FBI to pitch in on the toilet paper at least. 

“H-hello?” the woman called in concern. 

Silently, you cursed yourself. Embarrassed and more upset now than you were before. Quickly, you grabbed your purse off the silver hook. And with a deep breath, you flushed the thin paper away and left the stall. Only to meet Emily on the other side. 

“Oh y/n? I-” 

“Excuse me.” 

You weren't sure how, but this day was only getting worse and worse. Bolting past the dark haired woman, you wanted to leave as soon as possible. Not just this bathroom but the whole goddamn building. 

“Is it Spencer?” 

Her words stopped you in your tracks. Halfway out the door, you turned around and shut it behind you. Fighting every instinct in your body that told you to run. And that told you to lock the door. 

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve only known him for a few months, though I think he’d disagree.” a beat. “I don’t think we started off on a bad foot, but he’s changed recently, hasn't he?” 

This time you stayed silent. 

“Restless more than usual, isolating himself, easily agitated.” she swallows and looks at her hands. “Mean.”

She took the words out your mouth. Though you’d never say it out loud. Mean… Was he really being mean to her? 

“Trauma can do that to you.”

Death can too, Emily told herself. 

“What happened ? I mean, I-I looked it up online, but Spencer hasn't told me anything. Not since Elle and-and”.

“Looked what up ?” 

The thought of the small glass bottle in your purse came back to you. Suddenly the gift from Spencer, of all people, felt heavy. Hot even, The dark secret burning a hole through you. Tightly, you gripped the strap and walked away. Emily follows behind you. 

“y/n” she calls your name before another voice does the same. 

Spencer’s voice. And suddenly Emily wasn't the only one you were running from. Or speed walking from. But unlike Spencer, she wasn't following you through the floor and onto the elevator. 

Furiously pushing the button, you'd never worked your fingers that fast. Well, maybe you had. 

“What are you doing here ?” He looked worse. 

Both of you did. 

“Going home.” 

The silver doors opened with a ding. Two agents step out as you struggle to enter from the side. Still trying your best to seem somewhat polite. 

“I mean, why are you here?” he specifies as he struggles to enter behind the agents. “Are you crying?” 

“No, it's nothing, I’m just- I’m not feeling good.” you lied as you hid the side of your face with your hand.

You knew Spencer would question you, but you weren't expecting to be under a microscope with your boyfriend on the other side. So much for dating a profiler. 

“You still haven't explained why you’re here, y/n?” 

“It doesn't matter.” 

“It does.” he argued. “Why won't you tell me what's wrong?” his firm voice suddenly soft, pleading. 

“Why won’t you ?” 

You looked at Spencer with tear stained cheeks. How ironic coming from him.

A ding and the large doors were open once again. Without a second thought, you walked towards your car, leaving Spencer in the elevator stunned. 

“y/n.” he called after you. 

The sound of your name echoes in the parking lot as the distance grows. But Spencer is quick to follow behind you. Legs practically working on autopilot, you found your car in no time. While your car was easy to find, your keys were not. With a hand rummaging through your purse, one swift move sent your things flying. 

You watched as your phone hit the ground, the screen shattering before your very eyes. Frozen in shock, you simply picked it up and kept moving, instantly searching the floor for anything else that had fallen, broken or was rolling away. 

Seeing you struggle from afar, Spencer runs to help you. Picking up what he could before stumbling across the small glass bottle. He doesn't need to read the label to know what it is. The cold feel of the glass is a familiar one to Spencer’s fingers, he grips his arm as the sting of the needle shoots through him. 

“Where did you get this ?” Spencer asked slowly. 

You wanted to snatch it out of his hand, but all you could think of was making it home. And crying in your bed. 

“Where did you get this ?” he asked you again, harsher this time. 

Staying silent, you returned everything to your purse and ignored Spencer’s question. But your silence does nothing to calm your boyfriend's racing mind. 

“Is that why you were here ? W-with Prentiss?”

He sounds hurt more than anything, his tired eyes already priming with tears. 

“I was just using the bathroom, and she came in-” 

It was the truth after all, at least all of the truth that Spencer needed to know for now. 

“I don’t believe you,” he argued. 

“Excuse me ?” 

“What were you doing with her? With this ? How did you even find it?” 

He bombards you with pointed questions, his voice louder than you expected. Tired of feeling helpless and silent, you matched Spencer’s tone. 

“Where did you ?” 

It was all too much. Everything you’d uncovered, all the stress and secrets he’d been harboring. The lies and arguing. You were going back and forth and getting nowhere until you heard Spencer say it. 

“What?” you practically froze in place. “What did you say?”

Suddenly the two of you were silent. Spencer’s eyes sunk into their sockets and his throat went dry. Even with an IQ of 187 Spencer was unsure how to answer the dangerous question. Was he breaking up with you ? 

“Spencer.”

He opened his mouth, yet all Spencer could do was stare. He swallowed and the anger in his face slowly melted away. For a moment he looked softer than he had in months, but it hardened. And his puppy dog eyes went cold. 

“You need to leave.” He wasn't yelling anymore, but he kept his voice direct. “This clearly isn't working. Go home.” 

He forced himself to turn around before you could get a word in, quickly returning to the elevator. Again it was silent, though the echoes of Spencer’s decision still bounced off the walls. Your lips fell into a straight line before your bottom lips began to shake. Freely, tears fell from eyes as your vision began to blur. 

You drove off before you would be stuck crying in the parking garage. Too focused to see Spencer following behind your car on foot. 

“Don't worry, the taste is worth it in the long run.”

It didn't take long for the alcohol to do its job. But beyond that, there was a natural high in the atmosphere. Maybe it was the party itself or the way you and Robin could freely explore the large home. But right now, for the first time in a long time, Robin was careless, no longer held back or caged by her rampant mind.

Following you down the large staircase connected by intertwined hands, her eyes fell on the living in confusion. Yours in disgust. In the corner of the room, a group of boys were huddled around god's know what. Gawking, oohing and awing. Robin wasn't sure what was worse, their reactions or yours.

The two of you bolted past the party and headed outside.

“Were they kissing?” Robin blurted out.

“Yes.” your response was quick.

Before she could ask one of the million questions rushing her mind. You were already climbing up the three house and waiting for Robin to do the same.

Stopping at the bottom of the wooden staircase, she couldn't help but turn back to the house. Heart beating out of her chest as the warmth of the alcohol set Robin's inside ablaze. But the party didn't hold her attention for long.

“Are you coming?” you asked her from above.

“Y-yea.”

“Watch your step.”

Robin wanted to ask you about it, but truthfully she was scared. Terrified of what you'd say and how she'd act. But in the corner of tree house, she couldn't help but sense your growing distress. The small sound of sniffling filled her ears like an alarm.

“I just don't get it.” you complained, more to yourself than Robin.

“What's wrong ?” she couldn't help but ask.

Hiding your face with your hands, you quickly wipe away those stubborn tears.

“It's… it's nothing.” you tried to push the subject away. “Let's just go back to the hou-”

“You can tell me.” Robin spoke up. “I mean I-I won't tell anybody.”

Her voice is soft, almost a whisper.

“It's not like I have anyone to tell anyway.”

You couldn't help but chuckle at Robin's honesty. The alcohol was clearly doing something to the both of you.

“Promise me you won't tell anyone. You can't tell anyone.”

You weren't sure why, but you trusted Robin. But it wasn't just that. It was the heavy guilt and the pain. You needed someone to know, to understand.

“You saw the two girls in the living room, right? The one that were-”

“Kissing.” she finished your sentence without meaning to.

“I was best friends with one of them. She thought I had a crush on some boy she liked and hated me for it. Told everyone I tried to kiss her in the locker room. But two years later we got invited to our first party and she- she kissed me right there. I opened my eyes and they were all watching. I thought she liked me, but she was doing it all for him.”

Keeping your eyes focused on the distance as you spoke, it was bittersweet to say aloud. It was a scary thing to admit. You knew you'd done nothing wrong yet still felt so… guilty. Dirty. Remembering the way she could so easily touch, kiss and toss you aside.

Across from you, Robin was frozen. Unsure what to say, to do.

“I'm sorry.” she apologized, genuinely sorry for what you'd been through.

You cleared your throat and wiped away a stream of runaway tears.

“It's not your fault.”

“Do-do people do that a lot? Like Kiss in front of everyone.”

“Yea, for attention.” you spat. “It's pathetic really. They only kiss at parties for guys.”

“Do you only kiss girls at parties?” Robin asked you without thinking.

“Wha-”

“I mean-” She started to clarify quickly. “Would you kiss me ?”

In the silence of the night, her breaths grew heavy.

“Do you want me to ?”

A beat.

“Yes.” she whispered scared, breathless.

You weren't sure if it was the alcohol making your body buzz. Or the cool summer wind that blew through the tree house, making your hairs stand up. But you knew for sure it was the feel of Robin's lips. The soft, plump skin that felt like electricity against yours. She met your lips like a secret, firm and quiet. And left them like a promise.

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