The Daily Struggles Of Being Mixed Race

my brother and i talked about it, because we don’t feel black enough to be black, or white enough to be white so we’re just kind of stuck in between. which isn’t really a bad thing, it’s just tough as hell to find other people who can relate.

growing up in a relatively white community definitely added to this because i got labeled as the ‘black friend’ even though i’m not that black. it’s just hard to identify as anything because i feel like there isn’t a place for me.

I’m mixed race. Most of you know that. I’m pale enough to pass. Most of you know that. I don’t want to pass. Most of you don’t understand that. Being mixed is weird.

My parents moved me here from England when I was quite young. I don’t feel like a Kiwi, I don’t feel like a Brit, I don’t feel the same as my white father or my mixed race mother. I feel like I have no culture, I feel as if my ancestral history is inaccessible to me due to the conflicts and oppression my ancestors enacted upon my other ancestors.

I feel like people assume I bring up my mixed heritage as a fashion statement. Because now its “in” to look kind of black, to appropriate black culture and fashion trends, as countless white celebrities do. People who say they are black on the inside, while flaunting the fashions of other cultures and peoples while being able to exist with a privilege those people are denied because of their skin color. I feel nervous about getting my hair braided as an expression of my heritage because I’m afraid people will label me a cultural appropriator or tell me that I’m too white.

When I was a kid I felt that my skin was both too dark and too light. Sitting next to class mates with pale skin and rediscovering that yes, in fact, I was far darker than them. I still do this now, because I’ve been programmed to see myself others want to see me, as majority white. I hated my natural curly brown mixed hair, which most of you haven’t seen because for years I’ve been straightening it, dying it, bleaching it and shaving it off. I’ve been told countless times that I’m just really tan. No I’m not, this is my skin. It’s always been this color and always will be.

So if I bring up the fact that I am mixed race, have brown skin, and mixed race hair, please don’t question what % of races I am, or call me exotic/interesting etc because I a person and not a science experiment.

1. “This should only offend half of you.”

2. That moment of confusion when there is no ‘other’ or ‘biracial’ tick box on a form and you have to give your race.

3. People playing the guessing game …

4. “Omg, that’s such an odd mix!”

5. Random strangers stopping you to compliment you on/touch your hair for absolutely no reason.

6. “That’s your white side coming out.”

7. People asking you which race you identify as.

8. Spending years finding hair products that actually work.

9. Dealing with not looking like all the biracial people that are fetishized by the media.