Tired

Well haven’t been here in a while….. let me emotionally dump because nobody really uses this anymore. I have been suffering from undiagnosed clinical depression for at least 20 years. I’ve hid it well but in certain years of my life it can get pretty rough. Theses are one of those times. I am unraveling. I don’t want to do anything but lay in bed. It’s tough for me to do simple bare minimum tasks. I’m struggling. And I don’t feel like I can tell anyone I’m struggling because I don’t want to seem dumb.

I want companionship. I think that’s why this holiday season is hitting harder because I genuinely want to have a companion

You know what I really miss….. TUMBLR PORN CIRCA 2011-2015

I am defeated. Truly defeated. I’m tired. It’s the year of my 30th birthday and ever since January started I’ve gotten blow after blow. I’m really at a loss for words.

I was vulnerable and spoke my heart. And now I gotta wait for him to tell me how he feel. I hope it works out

I’m really trying to keep up appearances but I’m slowly breaking into tiny little pieces

Nothing I want is happening. And I am losing faith and hope in a lot of stuff.

I wanna cry. But not because I’m sad. I wanna cry because I’m frustrated. Because why does shit like this happen to me.

I feel like I’m continually being punished for cheating on my ex even though I came clean and told him what happened and broke up with him right after. That was literally over 3 years ago. And it’s like everyone I meet says ima devil worshipping witch bitch and I’m not. I actually enjoy church (certain churches) and I enjoy the message behind it. But people think what they want. And I’m tired of trying to explain myself to judgmental people. I hardly like anyone and when I do like someone it seems like it’s always some constant shit that I can’t control happening. But I can’t help how I feel about him. I have legitimate feelings and I like him a lot. But what’s the point. Am I just being dumb? Am I just here because I love the sex? I tell him all the time I like him and he says shit like why and I can’t fathom why he says that shit. I see so much in him and it’s like he makes me feel bad about having feelings for him. I hardly like folk….. but I like him. He’s my friend. I value his time, his presence, his opinion but I also like him more than his friend. I don’t care if he’s not perfect I like him how he is now. That’s who I see. That’s who I hang with. That’s who I want, who I met and who I’ve learned over the past years. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t want me to like him. I’m not exactly ready for a relationship and walking down the aisle but I want someone to acknowledge they want me just like how I want them and they want to try to see where it goes. Doesn’t help that I don’t like anyone else. I gotta have feeling and I haven’t had the feeling since I met him. Sure I’ve liked like 2 people in between but doesn’t go anywhere. Cancer in me is like when I like someone that’s who I like. No in between. Once I like you that’s it. I pray for him, think about him, always want the best for him, always wanna tell him about stuff that’s happening with me, all these things but maybe I shouldn’t but I can’t ignore how I feel. This shit sucks. But whatever no big deal

Well wtf am I really doing

I really wanna slap all these bitches

How in the fuck you gon ask me why tf I’m here. And if I came by myself. If you don’t get tf from my face

I’m always gonna tell him. You not fittin to talk about my nigga and think I’m not gonna tell him. Tf my loyalty is with him