S ♡

My body was screaming NOOOOOOO! I don't want to hurt myself for low pay to serve wealthy people horderves under the blazing September sun. I want to lay in my bed and rest.

I could use the money, for sure, but at what cost? I just had treatment yesterday and was up all night in pain cause my body is adjusting and recovering.

So while I was crying my eyes out in the shower, with thoughts of throwing myself over my balcony cause its all too much, migraine in tow, I said fuck it. I'm not going. I'm going to let these people down, the money isnt worth it, and it would negate doing treatment yesterday. I must choose me. I cannot show up like this, in this much pain. I cannot. I must say no for myself, nurse my migraine, and be inconvenient.

"I'm not coming, I have a terrible migraine that won't let up. I apologize for the inconvenience."

And just like that, my cloudy stormy sky parted ways, the sun came back out, and I stopped crying.

Migraine? Instant relief.

Coincidence? I don't think so.

Maybe my body is screaming all sorts of strange ways to keep me on my path. Overwhelming myself with work that's not for me anymore isn't worth the small paycheque.

It's about creating a life, day by day, that doesn't cause damage to my body. My body has been through a lot.

I will not work myself to the point of my body screaming no in all types of ways anymore. I will not wipe my tears and force myself to show up masking my pain.

It's safe to rest.

It's safe to let people down.

It's safe to be inconvenient.

All my needs will be taken care of.

How am I supposed to be a poet? Who will care to listen to my sob stories and checkered past? I didn't ask for the life I was given. I've just dealt with it one day at a time.

If I meet my fate and leave this world earlier than my beloved pets, I pray that they find homes where they are loved and cared for just as deeply. My precious angels keep me going. Here's a picture of my baby girl Ahri.

Gynecological and hormonal issues?

*Wait 1 yr on a waiting list to see gynecologist*

Gynocologist: take birth control, also are you thinking of having a baby?

Me: wtf? I waited for a year for you to tell me birthcontrol is the only solution you can offer me? And wtf are you asking me wither or not I want a baby? I'm over here trying desperately to get my health in a better place, the last thing on my mind is wither or not I plan on having a family. I'm not sure if I'm gonna live or die at this point! Or to which degree of physical misery awaits me in the future if ya'll can't help me figure this shit out! Do I want a baby?! I want to be alive and well enough to even consider dating first!!! 😠

Ffwd to the EDS doctor two yrs later:

EDS doctor: they're not testing your hormones properly, you need to have tests at more specific times of your cycle to get an accurate enough portrait of what's going on. Don't take those random tests too seriously, it's not comprehensive enough.

Ffwd 2 months to endocrinologist:

Endocrinologist: take birth control. Normally I see issues like this relating to obesity but you're not obese, your test results are OK.

Me: my EDS doctor said they're not comprehensive and you need to do better testing.

Endocrinologist: no, it's fine I just calculate averages 🤔 all I can offer you is birth control or to meet with our dietician who offers a paid program.

Ffwd my family doc:

Doc: So have you considered getting a hysterectomy?

Me: why is the most invasive and brutal option even being brought up when we don't even know what's going on?! This is insane. Birthcontrol or rip out my uterus, but God forbid we figure out what's actually causing the issues.

This is just ONE of the chronic health problems I've been managing. I also have EDS related crippling nerve related chronic pain causing severe and scary full body pain episodes.

Wtf Canada? Wtf Alberta?

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