the feels of Kimii

Is it just me?

Or does it feel like every movement at some point gets too extreme these days? Maybe Social Media has amplified what was always there, and it was never voiced this often & so freely.

Back in the day it was simply Religion, Animal rights or Politics. Now it’s Feminists, BLM, Civil Rights, LGBTQ rights, Vegan, Pro-Life, green & the list continues….there’s just so many it’s hard to keep up & while I very much agree with all movements’ original ideas & what we’re standing up for…still it feels like everyone in constantly in your face & trying to convince you their movement is right & there is no other way around it.

I am all for free speech, but have we forgotten to filter ourselves? Not because we should be ashamed of ourselves, but out of respect for others around. It just doesn’t seem like we think twice about what we’re outwardly saying of what we think & feel. I’ll admit I’m totally guilty of that.

What are we teaching the next generation?

Andy & I have taken 3 sessions out of 8 so far of the Marriage Prep Course provided by the Montreal Diocese…and I’ve been loving every moment of it.

Each session covers a topic that is so vital in a marriage, let alone a relationship. I love how every question or thought that came across my mind during these presentations, would be answered and/or discussed. And the fact that it reminds us how we are only human at the end of the day, yet here are tools that could help strengthen our goals, our communication, our love & best of all, our friendship within a couple.

As we attend each session so far, it cannot be any clearer that the relationship that Andy & I are building is creating foundations & setting our life expectations. It’s not always perfect, & it will never be totally perfect, but it relieves me to know we’re in this hand in hand. Maybe there will be times where he will be much stronger than me & will maybe work harder at keeping us afloat, or I will need to be the one to hold us up. The reality is that a relationship, or a marriage, is never 50/50 and it can vary depending what is going on in our lives. If he falls ill, I will likely need to upkeep our bills by myself which may make the relationship work 90/10. The point is no matter what, we’ve chosen each other and we will always work on being there for one another.

It’s becoming more clear the saying “for better or for worse”, we cannot expect for our days to be going well all the time, or decision-making to be easy. There will be hard discussions we will go through and we will always need to remember to listen more than react.

I’m so happy & excited to be going on this journey & adventure with Andy. I couldn’t imagine a better partner. One thing’s for sure, we will definitely ensure to plan out Date Nights to keep each other in check.

Wedding Planning Time!!!

After my last post, clearly LOTS of things have happened. That same guy I talked about 2 years ago, well, he proposed & I said SI!!! 🥰 you can view a little snippet of the proposal on the TikTok link!

I’ve dreamed of my wedding day since I was about 14 years of age! I had it all sorted out in my imagination; all the family & friends surrounding my beau & I, the decos, the music I’d be waking down the aisle to…so perfectly perfect in every way. 🤩

Many hear that wedding planning is actually not so panned out as we wish it to be. And it’s true. EVERYONE has their opinions, views & ideas of what a wedding should be. Sometimes, it hurts when people say “you should think about this & that” or “why spend on this when you should just invest in something else, like a house.” As much as our surroundings care so much about us & their intentions are simply just to look out for us…well, unless we ask for your input, like actually asking you specifically “what do you think we should do? A wedding or a house?” then there is nothing to say about how we decide to plan this wedding. Sorry, but not sorry! This is the blunt truth. 😐

To most people around us, I seem to come off as the demanding type, probably even “Bridezilla”, so some seem to get the impression that I’m the one calling all the shots and Andy just stands idly by & goes along with everything I want. What no one knows, is how all of our final decisions & agreements on every little aspect of the wedding didn’t exactly come so smoothly, well, let’s just say not at all. 😕

And, while it is a little stressful to plan this wedding, I’m just happy that he & I are learning so much more about each other throughout this process. This is huge part of me that he gets to witness coming to life, a huge part of me that grows closer to the big day that I’ve dreamed of and he’s the one that helps in making it all a reality, granted with some adjustments here & there, but at the end of the day, he’s the one I’ll be saying “I do” to. “I do” to taking every single day from that day on to walk, or sometimes run together, to build together, to grow together & to live, but really live life together. How can anyone not find this so exciting?! 🤗

What is a partnership without sharing different ideas or confronting a issue? When a problem arises, you find every possible solution, but never alone, always together. We met at work, we are colleagues, and we’ve come to learn a certain mindset that our employer teaches us on the daily, “Think above the line”. It couldn’t be any truer, and I strongly believe this has helped us view a more positive outlook on life and so our lives together. Check out the YouTube video link to see what I mean. Apply this to every aspect of your life, & you just can’t go wrong! ☺️

Is life perfect? 🤣 Never!!! But you put your best foot forward every time & there is nothing you can’t accomplish! Especially with an extra being in your life to help you along and you help them along too! After all, two heads are better than one! And, we’re still figuring out this part of our lives and still working on ourselves and each other throughout all this planning. Getting to know each other more and learning something new from each other will never stop because every milestone & challenge up ahead will put us in many positions that we are willing to accomplish & keep on working past it. Truthfully, sometimes it’s hard & we do have to remind each other every once in a while.

The people that know me well, and I mean, sincerely knows me super well & knows everything I’ve been through, these same people know how much this wedding, this marriage, sincerely means to me. And I’m so blessed that they’re as excited as I am & so appreciative of their constant encouraging support! Andy also has such a great support system, and all of you, our family & friends, you have absolutely no idea how much you mean to us…which is why our wedding day couldn’t be more exciting than anything because you will be celebrating it with us.

That’s all my thoughts I could muster up this evening, who knows, if I blog next time in 2 years…maybe a little pitter patter to come by then!! 😍 Oh, & that picture of us up there by the title of this blog…we were trying to catch my nephew, Mateo’s attention…so that’s just us being silly. I love seeing this stolen shot of us being silly together and I hope we keep this in us for the rest of our lives. 😁

Well, after all the bullshit & heartache, I never thought my heart would ever open up again to anyone, not fully anyway. I wouldn’t want to give them any more opportunities to tell me some more lies, break my heart some more & mess with my head some more...I was so ashamed of what I went through, & every guy I met just slowly walked away after they hear my story, assuming I’m not someone they would want to deal with, assuming I’d be too much of a burden to “fix”, clearly I just wasn’t worth the trouble...& it’s ok that they felt that way, because why would I stand beside these guys, the ones who don’t see my heart, who won’t listen to my heart or who can’t feel my heart?

And then, he comes along. Out of nowhere. Now I find myself scared shitless of becoming vulnerable to someone new. I now find me allowing myself to trust this particularly wonderful soul, simply because he admits how he is just as scared as I am. He understands my pain & doesn’t want to run away from my experiences. Instead of trying to steal my heart away, he is slowly finding pieces of my glass heart & giving it back to me. And he understands that some shards are likely lost forever, & that it will always show cracks...but still he treats it with utmost care, as if valuable, irreplaceable & one of a kind.

I realize now that everyone holds a glass heart of their own. Sometimes we give it away to those who don’t deserve it, to those who don’t know how to handle it, to those who think they have a right to it, to those who claim it for their own or to those who uses it as a toy & throws it away when it’s no longer shiny & new. What we fail to realize is that it’s our own to keep & sometimes we have someone around to help care for it, and they are the ones whom will never keep it for themselves. They are the ones who deserve our glass heart, the ones who will never take it from you because they know it belongs rightfully to you. I now understand that it’s not about giving your heart away nor them giving their heart to you. It’s about taking great care of your own heart & he/she will ensure you won’t lose it.

When God created woman, he was working late on the 6th day...

An angel came by and asked, “Why spend so much time on her?” The lord answered, “Have you seen all the specifications I have to meet to shape her?”

“She must function in all kinds of situations, she must be able to embrace several kids at the same time, have a hug that can heal anything from a bruised knee to a broken heart.

She must do all this with only two hands, she cures herself when sick and can work 18 hours a day.”

The Angel was impressed. “Just two hands...impossible! And this is the standard model?” The Angel came closer and touched the woman.

“But you have made her so soft, Lord.”

“She is soft,” said the Lord, “But I have made her strong. You can't imagine what she can endure and overcome.”

"Can she think?” The Angel asked...The Lord answered, "Not only can she think, she can reason and negotiate."

The Angel touched her cheeks..."Lord, it seems this creation is leaking! You have put too many burdens on her."

"She is not leaking...it is a tear," The Lord corrected the Angel...

"What's it for?" Asked the Angel...The Lord said, "Tears are her way of expressing her grief, her doubts, her love, her loneliness, her suffering and her pride."...

This made a big impression on the Angel,

"Lord, you are a genius. You thought of everything. A woman is indeed marvellous"

Lord said, "Indeed she is. She has strength that amazes a man. She can handle trouble and carry heavy burdens. She holds happiness, love and opinions. She smiles when she feels like screaming. She sings when she feels like crying, cries when happy and laughs when afraid. She fights for what she believes in. Her love is unconditional. Her heart is broken when a next-of-kin or a friend dies but she finds strength to get on with life."

The Angel asked, "So she is a perfect being?"

The Lord replied: "No. She has just one drawback, she often forgets what she is worth."

Author: Devina Nund

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This story makes me cry...every. single. time. Most especially lately, I’ve been feeling that I’m not worth the trouble. I’ve been feeling like I’m not good enough to keep around. I’ve been feeling like I don’t do enough. I’ve been feeling like just a failure.

For the first time ever, I’m dealing with dating a guy that I suddenly liked much more than I expected or wanted to. The first date & the first week was absolutely perfect, I felt like I was in a movie scene that played a montage of the cutest moments. And this feeling was okay except for when it was not playing out the same way anymore. The high was gone in an instant & left me feeling like I needed to hold onto it as much as I can so as not to lose these amazing feelings I had. Everyone has probably been there before but as for me, I never was one to get too attached nor care about when would be the next time I would hear from the guy, but here I was, overthinking & then going a little nuts! 😅 This had made me reevaluate myself to even try to comprehend what the hell was I even thinking or feeling underneath the surface. Why did I feel the need to need to hear from him often for, especially when it had only been just over a week?

Most of my people knows what I’ve been through, what it made me feel & how it changed forever my thoughts on how people can be. I know I lost a huge chunk of trust for the greater male population & so when all these genuinely good things were happening, & I realized I started to like him more than I would ever allow myself to, it scared me. I suddenly wanted to make sure he wasn’t talking to anyone else but me, I suddenly wanted to know if he was using dating apps & still searching for other women, because I simply didn’t want to feel like I was easily replaceable. Even though realistically, it was just the beginning, there was still nothing set in stone because we were just simply dating & seeing how things flowed! 😑

So this one day that I realized I was overthinking, I wanted to talk to him to ask him if we can take things slow because we had been seeing each other like every day or every 2 days in the first week & I knew for myself I had to take a step back. But of course we had a hard time finding time to talk & so 2 days later, what did I do? Well I screwed things up big time & overreacted to him not calling me when he said he would 😂 I knew for myself I just wanted & needed to let things out & that was truly what made me overreact, but of course for a guy, “damn she cray cray” & slowly starts to back up understandably. So the daily texts diminished to every 2 days, then every 3 days then 1 week. So, I’m not stupid, clearly the interest has been lost & he’s trying to let me go slowly. 😅 I obviously wish he would give me another chance to redeem myself or even just let me explain myself better, only because I know I really did not express myself well at all & I’m disappointed in myself for that lol.

However, this experience has really made me realize that I know what I’m really looking for, it made me realize some trust issues I didn’t think was still floating around, & overall made me be self-aware of my thoughts & feelings. I’m glad I’m able to understand myself & understand him even though he couldn’t or wouldn’t understand me. But simply, if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. And if it’s not, then we move on & try again with someone else. At least with this I know my heart is more open now than before, & I’m happy at all that I started to feel hopeful again even if it was just for a week. It was scary for me but this was the most positive feeling I’ve had in a really long while, even though this didn’t work out as well as we would have loved to! So with this, I continue on the path to continuous self-growth & keep hoping for the best & better to come! I hope this helps others to keep being hopeful & to know that they’re not as crazy as they may seem, there is always a reason for why we react the way we do, however it’s a matter of knowing what caused it & to know how to handle yourself for next time you start to feel overwhelmed by your thoughts & feelings. 💖

As if yesterday’s experiences didn’t blow my mind enough as it did, today I did the Vatican museums, Sistine Chapel & St Peter’s Basilica/St Petersburg! I booked an Arts & Faith tour...I can’t even begin to describe to you every single detail of every single painting, statue & each building!

I’ve got to admit though, I’m disappointed in the Sistine Chapel, not because of the way it’s made not the paintings, but more how the people going through the Chapel did not really go in silence & respect the Holy Place as it should have been, but hey what can you do. Other than that, everything was amazing to my eyes & heart. I practically teared at almost everything, if not, my heart leaped out of me occasionally. Its history really did get to me, I very much appreciate all the work & efforts each artist had depicted through their work of art. So incredibly detailed & each detail set a purpose or a meaning.

Then it dawned on me, why is it so hard for people to treat each other this way? For one person have an image or two & paint it, sculpt it, or build it & to work so closely on the details he/she wants to express. If each of us would work this way in our daily lives I’m CERTAIN that our relationships/marriages would last a lifetime. We have this idea that if a minor detail set us at the wrong track we could just throw it away & start over again. While at times that may be the solution, most of the time it’s finishing what you started & trying to paint over the small details you want to modify because why waste a perfectly good canvas?

Even though I had a hard time sleeping during the flight due to whaling babies & the guy next to me kept on snoring...how I had the energy to go to Trevi Fountain, find a restaurant my friend recommended, get lost trying to find Hard Rock Cafe to buy a Rome guitar pin & finally find myself at the Spanish Steps is beyond me!!! lol but am I ever so glad I mustered up the courage to keep on going.

While the public transportation did feel a lot like home, the new environment kept my eyes wide open for every single detail that surrounded me, as if I had baby eyes that saw everything for the very first time, like the bricks or the colors! Then it dawned on me, that this city really does have so much history, told & untold, just like we do, just like I do. And the fact that even the worn out paint caught my attention & I kept calling it beautiful made me realize that that is how each of us really are; feeling worn out, feeling possibly forgotten, feeling like we don’t matter anymore, but all it will take is for someone special to see the beauty in us, someone who appreciates our art, & will appreciate our history....

We’ve just rung in the new year, the saying “out with the old, in with the new” are being repeated over & over again. This is the time of the year where one gets super reflective of oneself. I don’t know about everyone else but when my deep thoughts start to roll in, I can’t help but shed quite a few tears every time.

Letting go of all the hurt & even forgiving that person that caused it has been & is still the most difficult to do. And it pains me so because my faith teaches this very lesson every day & because I have such a hard time doing it, I feel so unworthy & a failure. I feel like I’m just as terrible of a person as the one who did me wrong just because I can’t seem to bring myself to fully accept what happened & then forgive them for it. There is a constant struggle to survive the everyday life but it’s the internal struggle that makes the war seem like it’s never-ending.

However, I do feel a lot closer to my inner peace than last year. It seems to be a continuing working progress & it’s definitely not without the love & support from my family & friends. Even my therapist’s support for helping to hash out the clouds in my thoughts & feelings. I had this notion that I needed to be perfect & needed to have my life perfectly lined out the way I thought was supposed to be. As I get older, the more I’m realizing it won’t be so...and that scares the living crap out of me. I always thought that by 30, I would have found my place in the world & know where I belong. But I still haven’t the slightest clue what my place is & where I truly fit in this life.

There is nothing more I can do than to keep on roaming through life, through people, through places, through experiences & just keep learning from it all & continue to wait so patiently. 💜

When you go through a traumatic experience, especially mentally & emotionally, it never really leaves you. You can move on & live life as normally as possible, so the painful memories subsides, less & less the unwanted thoughts come creeping back into your mind but, there is always going to be a small part of you that remembers every detail of those events that from now on makes you question every little detail & makes you doubt what you thought you ever knew. And out of nowhere, it hits you like a ton of bricks being thrown at you.

It has been almost a year & a half since I went through my most horrifying experience but because 2017 has been going so well, I felt unstoppable, I felt good, I felt I improved so much of myself...& then my heart broke all over again tonight. I became so disappointed in myself for letting myself feel that heartbreak, feel that uncontrollable sadness take over & feel like I haven't progressed all that much.

It makes me sad because I'm worried. I'm worried that when these moments present itself again, that my heart will hurt the very same way it did a year & a half ago & the same way it did tonight. Will I continue to get "nightmares" from time to time for the rest of my life? Will I still have a wary eye out for the rest of my life?

now just 2 days away from beginning a new decade...I wonder if I've been doing my life right & if I am headed in the right direction. Like most, I graduated high school & went to college, naturally thinking I'll be done school by the time I reach 21, start my life with a beau & raise a family.

Of course, that did not happen the way I thought it would, or rather the way I wished it would. As much as I know I have a good job now, I'm living on my own, I volunteer at work & at my church, my family supports my every move, I have many friends that stick by my side...still something does not sit right with me, & I wonder if it's because I feel I'm expected to have made my life similar to my family & friends or if it's because I expected of myself to have experienced everything that my family & friends have. Then I start to wonder, if I've accomlished enough. Have I really made a difference for people? Have I touched enough hearts?

30 sounds like such an experienced number. As if I'm supposed to know so much more yet I feel like I still don't know enough. I feel I still have so much more to learn & that I'm so behind. And I get comments like "you look super young, you got the good genes" but then I wonder if it's because I still don't act my age. I know these days, I'm going out partying like I used to before 22 yo so now it seems like I'm trying to take back the years I "lost" or "wasted".

I may be ending my 20s, a lot of it with disappointment, but I have learned to stop expecting so much of myself. This must be the reason why we say "live in the now" because there is just no point of constantly thinking about your next move anymore. Now it's a matter of learning to just be.

It has been a week since I moved to this neighbourhood, & so far it seems to be alright. I would have thought that by now though, my boxes would be cleared & I would finally have a proper living space. But life still takes priority over unpacking unnecessary extra junk you hold to your heart but have no place to put them.

Why do some of us tend to keep things we wouldn’t look at everyday? Why do material things sometimes hold a special place in our hearts? In all honesty, would I really have time to look over a little journal I had from elementary school 30 years from now?

Now when I look at these boxes, my heart feels torn when I try to make decisions as to actually throw away all this “junk” or keep it for safekeeping. Why do some of us do this to ourselves? It seems to be the same after you break it off with someone. Why do we replay the memories in our heads? All the little things that took over our hearts, seemed to be so incredibly important at the time yet we’ve become easily disposable. Why is it so hard to throw away what once was important & nice to revisit? Even though once we’re done with our purpose of being in that one person’s life, really there is no point to keep it in a box inside yourself only to realize there is no longer any place to keep it.