Holding Out For A Hero..

I constantly feel like I'm just going in circles. Is this really all y life is going to be? Will this be the job I stay in FOREVER? Will I move? Will I stay in the same little shit town for the rest of my life?

How do you know what your life is going to be? How do you know that this is it? I mean I know you can change it however you want, But what if I do change it, what if I do move and it's not what I want? What if I leave and I realize that what I had was really what I wanted? Then what? What do you have to go back to?

Have you ever had that intense moment with someone, where you just kiss so passionately that you just want so much more in that moment?

Well I have, and it scares the hell outta me. How do you know if your ready for such a big step. Knowing he isn't then thinking to yourself, am I even ready for something that big? 

I don't even think I am, I used to just jump into things and not even take things into consideration.. Well Know that I have I can say I don't think I am ready. Not for that. Taking things slow for once in my life is a big step for me. I am finally protecting my heart and I am finally falling and I mean really falling for someone.

I used to think sex was the easy part, that it never really meant anything... I also used to throw around the "L" word without actually meaning it.. Now I know it's not just giving your heart away that makes it hard, what makes it hard is making yourself think that just because you have sex and just because you say "I Love You" that things are actually going to work this time. It's taking your time, taking the time to really get to know the person, to really fall in love with this person.

Im finally taking my time, Im finally learning what love really is, and right now It feels right, even if it's not, I can at least tell myself when I look back on my past relationships that that wasn't really love. I wasn't really in love with that person. Even if I thought I was at the time I wasn't. This time, I could really know what love what love is.

Sometimes I feel like there is nothing I can do...

Like honestly, I have had so many fucked up relationships in my life that I really don't know how to be in one anymore.I constantly over think every little thing. Like:

When is he going to cheat on me

When is he going to find someone better

Am I even good enough

Will I ever be good enough?

Will and when will he hide things from me

Is he already hiding things from me?

I have no idea how to get rid of any of these feelings and I don't know how to deal with it. I wish he could open up to me about everything he thinks about to, maybe then I wouldn't feel so fucked up.