hello. goodbye. :)

I stopped writing for a while. Oops! I had never got back to decent writing actually. I always promised but never had. I noticed something about my writing habit though. There's a trend in how I express myself through blogs, and that's when I feel gloomy. I realized that writing isn't really something I do when I'm happy. I actually write when my heart is heavy--heavy with things I could hardly figure out one by one.  Well, lately I've been staying home a lot, like most of the time. I still go to work and school, but I stopped going to church again. Yea, again. And I hate it. That only speaks volumes about me being such a mediocre Christian, lukewarm and all. Or maybe, I'm totally losing the fire again. Or not! I actually do wanna go to church. I wanna hear the pastor's message and sing hymns for the Lord. But that's all. I think I don't wanna do anything else aside from that. I just want to be there and listen to God's word and be surrounded with people I barely know. I just wanna be alone.

It seems weird actually. I used to be that overfriendly person, surrounded with friends all the time. I can even talk and eventually laugh with strangers as soon as we jibe. But this time, I just want to be around with people I know so much and who know me that much. Which is why lately, I've been entertaining those thoughts of going back to my old church not for the sense of belongingness and interaction but for very practical reasons:

1) It's just 3 cartwheels away from our residence. Technically, we just live nearby and I could go home every time the service is over. Which also means saving me money and putting them all in the offering plate instead of spending them away on food and transportation. 2) It's too huge and crowded. Yea I said I wanted to be alone, so I guess going to church is something I'd like to do without having anybody else notice me. And with my old church's crowdedness, it is possible that nobody will learn about my presence. And that's exactly what I want right now--become more of a wallpaper. 

My professor asked us to submit a journal about our holiday break. And this is what I've got.

It’s really hard to write something about holidays. Especially, when I’m supposed to come up with three pages describing what kind of yearend culture our family has developed through the years. Well it’s not because we belong to a certain subculture which doesn’t recognize certain dates of the year, but it’s just that the way we spend it is not something as worth sharing as others.

Unlike most of the Filipino families, we don’t visit our relatives nor spend quality time with close family friends. We pretty much just stay home and enjoy the break like the usual by ourselves. In fact, we’ve never tried visiting our province and my birthplace, Davao—never in twenty years. Although, I remember a few instances of our relatives coming over at our place, as far as I’m concerned, not a single memory was exactly special. Dull and sad. Those could be the words you maybe mumbling right now. And I wouldn’t mind if you do, I myself labeled ours right. But there’s no need to worry, I promised myself not to script for an ideal soap opera. I’ll try my best to just share my thoughts about it.

I thank God for Christmas and New Year. Like most people, these are the dates I honestly wait for. And for that, these days truly deserve to fall on the last digits of the calendar. You know what they say, “things that are truly special are always worth the wait.” So for most people, this is the time they give their best shot at just about everything. They show their love towards the people around them, reconcile with people they’ve wronged with, make lists of things they’d like to change and accomplish through the New Year. Apart from these, they do a lot more of “extra” things they “normally” don’t on other holidays to make the most out of the season.  But in our house, it’s different. Aside from our fridge filled with holiday dish and other delicious groceries, nothing more about the atmosphere of our house makes a difference. Nobody in the house would bother decorating. We all find it useless and a waste of energy. We bought a Christmas tree and other decorations long ago, but just a few years after, the poor décor found its way straight to the trashcan.   It’s the same thing with the custom of gift giving. This maybe one of the reasons I hardly appreciate exchanging gifts or preparing gifts for other people. I like the fact of tearing up gift wraps and am thankful every time I get a chance. But I don’t find it extra significant in Christmas. Especially when you realize that besides your birthday, you only get to receive gifts at the end of the year. That’s utter funny.

But I really like Christmas, not because I’m a proud Christian, but because big sales are everywhere. Yes, I love shopping during this season and just did a couple of that this break. I went to mall with some of my friends whom I hadn’t hanged out with for quite a while.  It was all fun and tiring at the same time. I think I made the most out of shopping spree and of course catching up with best of my buddies.  Raiding the department stores until you find the best stuff for you is always fun as long as big cardboards are screaming ‘big% OFF’ at every corner. I know, it’s a woman’s thing. But hey, who doesn’t love branded stuff on sale?

Roughly two years ago, I went on a debate with one of the people of the religious affiliation I belong to. He was madly claiming that Christmas was a pagan’s propaganda and that anybody who claims to be a Christian should be ashamed of him/herself for celebrating yuletide. I wasn’t really up for a debate but he made a big fuss over it that he even spammed his wall on a social networking site, which happened to flood on my homepage, with his disturbing capslocked statuses condemning all the Christians who delight themselves in this type of season. Our exchange of tirades all started when I politely commented on one of his offensive posts and tried to catch his attention about his utter rudeness of imposing his disbelief. Just as expected, he then went through all the facts that could support his argument about the paganism behind Christmas and all that. To cut the story short, nobody clearly won between us.  Of course, I did everything to outwit him and stand by all my dogmatic orientations but the truth is: I ended up picking up thought-provoking pieces as our debate cooled off. My debater’s indeed right when he said that Christmas has been a mere marketing strategy of business-minded people who would milk you off until you bleed.  Most people, especially Filipinos, would put up with a one-day-millionaire shenanigan deceiving their very own selves that it’s the natural scene of Christmas. Never mind that money burns a hole in their pockets.  The cons? As early as the onset of New Year, people will begin whining again. And as reality bites us, the feast is over.

But what about the other non-Christian sectors in our country? So since it’s Christmas, one of the places my mother and I frequented the most was Divisoria. You know, it’s not only a great place to check out for knockoffs one’s badly looking for; it’s also a great place where you can see the difference between Christmas enthusiasts and Christmas genius. Obviously, the term ‘Christmas enthusiasts’ no longer needs further explanation. Yet the ‘Christmas genius’ sounds a little intimidating and, at the same time, vague. When I went to Divisoria, I hardly saw stores which are not owned or ran by Chinese (never mind our outnumbered Muslim brothers whose real territory is Quaipo). I felt intimidated. Filipinos are absolutely all over the place but the only roles that seem to be available are nothing but “customers” and if not, “sales ladies and porters.” I felt like a tourist in Divisoria, in my own country, rather. My fellow people do not even seem to be a business partner of those mestizos at least. To come to think of it, they could have almost changed the name of the place into “China Town II” or to whatever name they please to justify the place. My point is: why can these Chinese people or even our Muslim brothers use this kind of time in a brilliant way? While, most of us, Filipinos are like a little kid stoked to lose his shirt on some stuff toys and candies? The answer: because most Filipinos value Christmas—that’s what at least they say so. But I beg to differ. I was born and raised in a Christian family ever since and I have no doubts about my Christianity. In fact, I dearly and highly honor the birth of Christ like how I wholeheartedly and indisputably believe in His Sovereignty and Resurrection. But I no longer see myself as a fan of this glitzy season. Like how my family has become indifferent to “quality time”, I don’t think it makes a big deal if I join the craze and be “merry”. Besides, people don’t see Christ in Christmas at all. All they see are gifts and some fancy ambiance of “love and enjoyment.” For all we know, Christmas is neither about flamboyant enjoyment nor like the mushy line “love in our hearts”, it’s all about Him.

So, I started to get rid of sending mushy Christmas messages. I received tons of them, however, and tried to return some of them in show of appreciation. But honestly, I’d rather not greet back. Why, would they reply in the same enthusiastic manner if I happened to greet them “Merry Christmas/Happy Christ’s Birth” in the midst of summer? Of course not, all I’d get for sure is a mocking laugh. But that’s not the point. Christ as a reason for this well-loved season should not just be remembered in a particular season; besides, we never can accurately say the date He was born—and that’s the point.

For some reasons, I understand those people who never claim to celebrate Christmas. They’re not entirely agnostic for the matter, they’re probably just sick of the sugar-coated candy called hypocrisy or greedy commercialism both wrapped into colorful presentation. Either of the two, one thing is for sure, they’re clearly not buying it.

I lied 

when I said 

I certainly had no idea why I look stressed-out or  

 what burns me out the most. 

I lied 

when I could have aired out the things 

that could just about to explain 

what eats me on the inside. 

This was the narrative report I submitted to my Comm3 Professor who drew lots to set us up on a blind date. The first ever blind date of my life. Hahaha.

It was a minute past six in the evening of September 9th, just dozens of hours after I got informed about my blind date’s name, when I received a text oozing with enthusiasm: “Hello Apple! Ako nga pala si Jason, yung kablind-date mo sa Comm3..:D.” It was as if his message travelled through sound waves that I could even picture out how he would deliver it in person. Though I already had bits of information from the class about the type of personality he has, I was still clueless for a while as to what reply I should make to keep up with his unexpectedly friendly approach. At the end, I decided to return his message in the same of level of amiableness and of course with the famous SMS smiley: the colon capital D [ :D ].

Not too long after our petty exchange of text messages, we finally came to agree on the place and time of our date not to mention the number of my attempts to invite him into our church. Came Tuesday (13th), I without second thoughts made it on our lovelier-than-ever rendezvous right on the dot: CAL library, 11:30 am. It wasn’t that bad, was it?

I sat outside the library and patiently waited for a guy who would resemble the picture I was trying to find in my photographic-memory file. I checked my watch and eventually grew impatient when the long hand passed a couple of minutes. I sent another text to him asking where he was, wondering why he’s nowhere to be found when I received a message from him earlier saying he’s already there (even before I arrived). I continued to gaze around, guessing at every guy passing. A group of guys and girls were busily chatting near me. And as a couple more of minutes passed, people started to leave—to leave me.  The area I thought was nearly empty until I realized there was another person standing in the corner who seemed waiting for somebody else as well. I stared at him, luckily he stared back. At last, the wait was over.

“Were you sitting there all along?” He asked while giving apologies for not seeing me on time. He was wearing glasses that time which I think was the reason I didn’t recognize him immediately. It was funny how I actually heard him lively chatting with his friends moments ago without even overhearing the idea that my blind mate could be him. I could still remember how his friends sounded like they’re teasing him about something that typical youngsters would do when talking about their love life—or better, blind date.

I didn’t ask any more questions about it and just went on developing a better introduction while we’re on our way to CASAA for lunch.  Despite the awkward start, we began to break the ice through helpful questions like “What’s your major? What year are you in?” And like the expected, things went on pretty smooth in the canteen. I began to feel a lot at ease asking him questions about his stay at UP as a sophomore majoring in ECE (Electrical Communication Engineering). He in the same way would throw the questions back to me. But as we finished our meal, the questions in my head started to wither. He seemed to have exhausted the questions too.  Thus, there was a moment of silence when suddenly he blurted out, “Should we go to SM? Trinoma?” I smiled and sort of said “Isn’t it too late for that yet?” So we decided to just take a tour around the campus since this is my first year and it is his second. From the beginning, we didn’t have any decent plans on where and what to do for this date. All we did from time to time was to exchange smiles while I couldn’t help but laugh to myself.

The next stop was SC (Shopping Center). We both agreed to walk all the way from CASAA so we could have a better version close to dating. We continued to talk about random things: the people we’re both connected to, our opinions and complaints about certain things at school, our majors and what have you. His voice was gentle and kind, I noticed. By the time, we reached SC, he offered to buy me Zagu shake. I, in return, said the sweetest thanks as he expressed that he’s quite ashamed for not treating me for lunch. I told him that it wasn’t a big deal since neither of us really prepared for this.

Clueless of what to do next, we continued to walk around until we reached his dormitory. He has been staying at Calai (if my spelling’s correct) for almost a year now and a dormitorian in UP for two years. Outside his dorm were hut-like whatchamacallits where he suggested to stay for a while after a long walk. Sitting across from him under that “nipa” gave me a weirder feeling, something real close to dating. I tried to crack jokes to carry off the weird atmosphere. But as people passed by, giving us that “enjoy-your-date” look, I decided to bring out my camera to once again break the ice.

I really had no intention to take pictures—or maybe I had for the sake of documenting it. So this time, he sat next to me and willingly held the camera. Our first shot was a little off as we looked quite apart from each other plus the high angle which made it appear like an ID shot. “Arg, I suck at photography. Let’s take another one. This time I hope it won’t look like a one-by-one picture,” he suggested. Hence, we poised ourselves for another take and drew a little closer to each other. I held my smile sweeter this time but I noticed that his smile didn’t change at all. Luckily, the result was better. “I think this one’s nicer now,” I complimented. Surprisingly, he didn’t agree with me. “Nah, it’s just the same with the first one. Let’s try my mobile’s camera this time,” said he while getting his cellphone from his pocket. Then the third shot was taken, I wasn’t able to take a better look at it as people started to have fun watching us. “All right, I need to go to OUR now,” I stood up while putting the camera back in my bag. “Ay yun na yun? Di na tayo magpi-picture?” he asked in surprise. “Hmm..sure, we can take some more if you’ll come with me to OUR,” I answered smilingly. “Sure. Wala pa naman akong class.”