I received a PM asking how to get over a Dom leaving a committed relationship.
This is such an important topic. Thank you for asking how I have healed.I’ll share what I know, what has helped me, and hope that it is helpful to you and many. Some are practical, some are symbolic, but they have all helped me.
*Know that it will get better. Doesn’t seem possible, but it will. It is a process that TAKES TIME.
*Be careful where you focus your attention. “Where focus goes, energy flows.” Learn that and use it, forever.
*Don’t trouble your mind with the what’s and why’s of his decision. This is sooo sooo difficult. As a submissive, our core is about pleasing our Dominant and we naturally assume blame belongs to us. But it doesn’t. He is just as, if not more, culpable. So, interrupt yourself when you start to blame yourself or figure out what happened in his mind - That takes energy away from YOU and doesn’t change the outcome. Plus, there is never any way you can know his mind with any certainty. YOU are what matters now. Remember, “Where focus goes….”
*Recognize that this pain IS more dynamic than the pain of a ‘vanilla’ breakup. The degree of trust and intimacy runs far deeper in BDSM, so does the pain.
*Grieve and take care of yourself. Cry, sleep, cry, eat, lots of water, cry. Stay far away from alcohol and sugar.
*Speak kindly to yourself – just as you would a child who is grieving. “Oh, sweetie, it hurts, I know it hurts….I know you are going to get through this.” “I know you are scared….” No “but’s” allowed in self-talk.
*Clear the space, especially the bedroom. Open windows, regardless of the temp.; light new candles; play upbeat music….wash the sheets OFTEN. Sounds silly, but the symbolic aspect of that is very helpful.
*Movement! Walks, dancing, aerobics class – just move.
*Write a letter to him. If you are inclined to send it, wait at least 3 weeks. (Making decisions when very mad or sad is ill-advised, at best.)
*Write down memories, pains, whatever you want onto small pieces of paper and then burn them, individually. Take a moment with each and then release it.
*Journal using paper and pencil – get those feelings out. Tapping keys on a keyboard is not the same.
*Create new patterns and rituals to replace those that existed within your relationship. Make sure they are things that promote your health and joy.
*Know that the people who love you want to help and don’t fault them for not understanding the depth of your pain. Ask them for what you need because they probably feel helpless.
I could go on and on, but these are my go-to’s.
I know the pain is crushing. It will lift. Hug yourself. Hugs from me to you.
