As we wrap up suicide prevention week, there are many stories out there to be told. Today is Saturday September 12th, 2020 and this is my story.
As the baby of my four, I am perceived as being a brat. There might be some truth to that. The only thing that I have ever wanted is to feel loved. I know that my parents love me, I know that my family loves me, I know that I have been told that I am loved but the question is do I believe it. From an incredibly young age that is all I ever wanted. Hopefully, you will never know what it is like to feel unloved, because that is the way that I currently feel and have felt most of my life.
When I was a young child my sister went to live with my grandparents leaving me alone with my mom. My mom loves me, but I never felt like she loved me enough. I always felt like I was competing with her current boyfriend for her attention and by the time I became a teenager I started acting out. From the age of 15 I tried extremely hard to get pregnant so that I can have someone in my life that loved me and that I could love. That pregnancy did not come for another four years but in the process, I was always searching for love. At 13 I have started having sex just so I could get the feeling of closeness and since then I believe that I still use sex as a form of closeness.
Over the years into my adulthood I have had lengthy relationships. I believe my first marriage to my daughter's father was my shortest relationship since turning 18 years old. We were actually together about two years and during that time is when I became pregnant, we got married and we moved in together. That was not my best relationship, but I got my daughter as a result of it and that was fine by me. We were both young when I had her, he had just turned 20 and I was still 19 for a couple more months and we were now a young married couple with the baby. It was very overwhelming, and our marriage did not last.
My next relationship was with the guy who bounce back and forth between me and his ex. This went on for about five years. Both myself and his ex knew about each other and we allowed it to happen. Just one more example of wanting, needing or chasing love.
My next couple of relationships were all the same. I love him and I thought that he loved me, but it appeared that he loved what I could do for him or our situation better than he loved me. Meaning he loved the fact that he had a girlfriend with her place to stay, her own transportation and a good job. So that only required him to be there emotionally or physically and most of the time I got the physical and not the emotional and sometimes I had to share the physical. Do not get me wrong, it is not that I do not love myself because I do but it is easier when you are not alone. Or so I thought.
So, my second marriage I met my ex-husband at a bar I bartended at. We did not start out to be a couple, we were just being friends to each other. You get 2 lonely people together that are looking for or lacking love and that is what you get. We were together a total of 11 years, together off and on for six years and married for five. He moved to Kentucky first to get a job and to get established and I came eight months after and we got our place together. Still looking for love, searching to be in love we were together, but we were apart. Within six months of me moving to Kentucky he was already cheating. But because we move here to be together, I tried my hardest to make it work. He tried to hide it the deep down in my heart I knew he never stopped. Fast forward to 2011 when I divorce my second husband. I would rather him be happy without me then to be miserable with me. This is always my thought process; I am a people pleaser. I get joy from my relationships if my partner is happy. In my relationships it is never about me or it is never about us. It is always about him and how he feels. If he is unhappy, I am trying to do everything that I can to make it so that he is in a better place. If he is good, then I am good. That is that whole love to be loved to want to be loved.
My last relationship has made me not want to go into another relationship. It was two years since my divorce I was living alone but not happy. I love being in love. I love the idea of being in love. I love when someone loves me. But at some point, I equated sex with love and that is a misconception. You do not have to be in love to have sex. So, after being in this last relationship for six years where he is probably started cheating within the first year, I am just spent. I do not think that I stayed in it because I loved him or was even in love with him, I stayed because I pitied him. There is no reason to be in or stay in a relationship but me being the enabler that I am I made it convenient for him and not for me.
Now after all my relationships probably a solid 30 years’ worth of relationships I am done. I love love but I do not want somebody to be with me for what I can do for them. I have often tried to figure out what is wrong with me? I am not ugly woman, I am a little bit on the larger side but who does not like fluffy woman? I have a good job, I have my home place, I have my own transportation and I do not have any children at home. I keep a clean house, I am a damn good cook, I am affectionate, fun, lay back, drama free and loyal. I have never had to have anyone that I was dating or married to call looking to see where I am at. When I am in a relationship my relationship, he is in the forefront. I believe part of the problem was that my boyfriend received husband treatment when they should have received temporary circumstances. Why not me? It makes me sad Because I cannot figure out what am I doing wrong. When you go through things like that all your life, looking for love and never finding it, it puts you in a bad headspace.
I know I started out this story by mentioning suicide prevention week, it is sometimes stories like this that leads people to believe that suicide is the answer. I am not currently suicidal, nor do I have suicidal tendencies, but I have wondered before what it would be like if I was not here anymore. I wondered would anybody even care if I was not here anymore? What would the world be like without me?
I love myself; I love my life and I have no plans on doing anything to harm myself. But I do understand where these thoughts come from.
If you feel like suicide is your only way out, you are wrong. Make sure that your circle is strong enough to help you out when you say, “I need help.” make sure you talk to whoever you need to talk to whether it is family , friends , clergy , a therapist or whoever you need to talk to in order to get the help that you need. If you feel like there is no one that you can talk to, call the suicide awareness hotline at 1-800-273-8255.
I tell you my story today because my story could just as easy end up needing to make that phone call. It is hard sometimes and sometimes you feel like giving up, but you must find your reason to keep going on. Find your purpose in life, do not rely on anybody else to make you happy but yourself!
You can do this! You are strong, and you will succeed!
titsay
izzy806
2087