Last week I lost the love of my life NIkki @sweet-despondency to a heroin overdose. It was the last amount we had and we actually already had subs on hand to get clean. The plan was that we would each do our last shot (which was not any more than we usually did) and go to sleep since we had been up for almost 3 days straight trying to get me caught back up in school. So we each did our shot, she laid in our bed next to me and closed her eyes, she told me to wake her so we could fall asleep together like we always do when I was finished with this assignment that I only needed to type a small portion for and then submit. So about ~5-8 mins later when I had everything submitted and was ready to go to sleep for the day with her I tried to wake her. She didnât wake up and at first I only thought this was because we had been awake so long and were so exhausted from all the work we each had done. So I continued âbabe, babe, babe wake up, babe I love you wake upâ ⌠NothingâŚ. At this point I got scared, and started to think something was wrong but still thinking it was only because of the fact we had been awake so long. I began to shake her and lift her up into a sitting position and still with no response I checked for a pulse and to see if she was breathing. She was still breathing but it was very shallow and her pulse was very slow and weak. After dumping water on her shaking her for about 30 seconds I said âNikki if you donât say something Iâm calling an ambulanceâ because maybe she was just asleep and maybe if she heard I was going to call that sheâd at least say something or mumble something⌠She said nothing so I called 911. The lady on the line told me to start giving her mouth to mouth so I did and she began to breath a little better. I continued this until the paramedics arrived. After they arrived they immediately made me leave the room but I stayed as close as possible to ensure that they were doing everything correctly that I had learned from videos we had watched of what to do during an opiate overdose, and actual experience. First thing they did was continue the CPR which was good but they did not administer narcan immediately. So I yelled in the room to ask them to please do so. They said not yet and I became frustrated because there were multiple paramedics surrounding her. One could easily give her the narcan as the others worked on the CPR. So I asked again and again and finally about after 4-5 mins of arguing with them they administered one dose of narcan. Then after about 20 seconds they asked me if she was an organ donor. This made me furious as there was still much hope to save her and administer multiple doses of it as well as continue the CPR (like what the fuck? Sheâs 21, sheâs breathing, she had only been non-responsive for about 15 mins now and she had never lost a pulse or stopped breathing at this point) I said no sheâs not. They continued doing as they were with the CPR but without really any changes to get her stable. I begged them to give her another shot of narcan as the first one was only a single dose (like the ones you get at Walgreens or CVS (also I will include a post about how to obtain this because there is no reason for anyone not to be able to have this on them if they use, someone they know uses, or even just to have to keep in a bag with them because there are more opiate users out there than you think and itâs a good thing to always have just in case. It is very easy to administer, you cannot get in trouble for carrying it, and you just might save someoneâs life as I have before). Okay so back to what happened. After begging again they finally administered another single dose of narcan (by the way, I want to add that the other paramedics were kind of just all standing around it sounded like talking about what they were going to do for the weekend; the most unprofessional thing I may have ever seen in my life) after the second dose she began breathing more normally and her pulse went up to an almost normal level according to them. At this point I thought they may try to wake her or get her to sit up and start communicating. They didnât do this, instead they put her on a stretcher and took her on the ambulance. This was fine as I presumed it was just a precaution and that they may make her stay at the hospital for the night just to ensure everything was okay. While they took her, an officer began asking me questions, gathering our IDâs, asking what had happened, etc. As he was asking me these questions he said he would receive a call about her status as soon as they got her to the hospital and everything. As he was asking questions I kept hearing talking over his radio and kept asking because I was concerned if it was about her or it was just other things happening in the area. He said he would receive a call from them directly on his phone. So after what felt like forever he finally got the call. After about 3 mins of talking to them and me wanting to know her status practically begging him to tell me something he finally said, sheâs at the hospital, sheâs breathing okay and her pulse is back up to normal levels. I was so relieved I fell to the ground thanking God just knowing she was going to be okay. After this he went back into our bed room and told me he would trust me to get rid of anything we had and that he wasnât going to search/arrest/cite me for the paraphernalia because he believed it was âenough of a scareâ to what I had been through which I completely agreed with. I quickly obtained all of our gear (which wasnât that much because we had not been using heavily) and gave the cop the remaining stuff that we had, the officer had me break the few needles that we had and then said that I should wait for her mother to get home and tell her the news and ride in to see Nikki together. After about 20 mins she arrived and I had to explain what had happened to her mother which to this day still kills me to say âyeah me and Nikki were using but sheâs fine and sheâs at the hospital so lets go in and see herâ so after this we both went in to see her, expecting her to be awake at this point. Well this wasnât the fucking case at all. We had to wait, and found out that they had lost a pulse or she had barely a pulse for almost 30 fucking minutes and no more narcan was even administered. I was furious and began asking basically what the fuck they were thinking and how she had been lost when she was practically awake when she left the house. They told me to step back and acted like I was not part of immediate family and pretty much told me to just go and wait. After about an hour of her family and I waiting we finally went back and got to see her. She was on a breathing machine and had so fucking many tubes and wires going everywhere I immediately fucking just broke down like iâm at a loss for words. How the fuck does this happen?! Later that evening they told us that there was basically a chance that she would be okay and wake up or that when they lost her for that amount of time that it could have possibly affected her brain too much to where she wouldnât come back. After doing a test, we got the news that she had barely any brain activity and there was really no chance at her survival. I immediately fucking just felt dead, it was the worst moments of my entire life and I am still living through them every single moment of every day. Hearing the doctor say this. After we got the news I went in to see her and this was basically our last time before they were going to take her off of the machines and she was going to pass. I went up and had an entire conversation with her and told her how much I loved her I thanked her for all she has done for me in the last 3 years as I cannot begin to explain how many things sheâs helped me through, the person she helped change me into for the better, the strength she gave me, the confidence to not let anyone give me any shit or make me do anything I didnât feel comfortable doing. So as I was doing this I went up to her and we had this thing where if we were in public we would squeeze each others hands 4 times in a row to signal I Love You, without having to say it out loud. As I was talking to her and saying my goodbyes I squeezed her hands in sync 4 times like we always did and with no hesitation she did it back. It was not delayed it was not just a muscle movement, it was the 4 strong squeezes back that we had done for 3 years. At this point I realized whatever brain tests they did may have been correct but something was still there to know that she had either been hearing what I was saying and felt the squeezes or at least felt the squeezes and knew it was me enough to do it back. This is where I will end my story because the rest is just full of more sadness and I want you all to remember the good in Nikki. She was the most unique person Iâve ever met in my entire life, and I am so so so fucking grateful that I got to spend the 3 years I did with her. I know on tumblr there is a lot of content of stuff we did together that included drugs but that was not our relationship. Our relationship was so much more than that, the nights laying in bed and cuddling for hours until the sun came up just talking about how we were going to grow old together. About where we would live and what kind of jobs we would have and how we would finally be clean and not emotionless which is what the dope did to us. Even though it may look like we enjoyed doing this and this was our kind of thing that was a way of partying it wasnât. Secretly we both had deeper issues that we dealt with that donât need to be told to anyone besides the people that know which are our true friends. Nikki absolutely loved going to the theme parks in Orlando including Disney and Universal which wasnât my favorite thing because Iâm a pussy and afraid of roller coasters and she was not, she was never afraid of anything. But I did go with her because I loved seeing the smile on her face and how happy she would be to get on the next ride or go get a butterbeer from the Harry Potter section. We loved our TV shows, Game of Thrones (which we must have watched all 6 seasons at least 10 times), Mr. Robot, Big Brother, Jane the Virgin, and many more. Game of Thrones was our thing though, waking up every day sharing each others best guesses at what would happen next, and our conversations lasted hours as we discussed every theory that probably existed on reddit or anywhere else on the internet. She got me in to so many things that I never wouldâve looked twice at like music by The Doors, Two Door Cinema Club⌠Movies like X-Men, Harry Potter, Moulin Rouge!, Nick and Norahâs Infinite Playlist, and almost all the Disney movies that she always made fun of me for not seeing because âI was deprived as a childâ as she always joked with me. She loved getting into political debates which to other people would almost sound like a screaming match but it was simply her passion and my passion combined and no debate never ended badly it always ended with a laugh and us making fun of how intense we were getting. She loved books such as Invisible Monsters (which I am currently finally reading and which has underlined quotes from her which is amazing because I feel like sheâs still here telling me the importance of them), Brave New World, Go Ask Alice, and of course the entire Harry Potter series. We never got around to getting the Game of Thrones books but that was one of the things we planned to do was complete them before the next season started. Nikki had a no nonsense attitude for people that disrespected the people that she loved. She would do anything and everything to protect me, her siblings, and my siblings. That was one thing that was never to be crossed and when it was, it was certainly made known that there would be no bullshit and no messing with us. She had anxiety that she struggled with each and every day but she never let that get in the way of what she needed to do or to protect the ones she loved. She was loved by many and will be missed by many. Even though when we first met we had already been in to doing opiates and other things I never thought this would be what would end one of our lives and I still blame myself every day and will forever for just saying no that one last time and using the subs we had to get clean. I know for a fact that Nikki was in this relationship forever, hell or high water, no matter what we would fight because we loved each other to death and that would never change. I know that I will never find anyone like her again on this planet because there is no one that exists that is even close to how beautiful, strong, caring, and as kind as she was. She literally saved my life when we first started dating, more times than I can even count. Although I am at a loss for words and have lost the girl who I was going to marry and be with for the next 40+ years, and will never get to experience all of our life goals and how our children were going to look and how we were going to raise them and be the best parents and work toward giving them a stress free life in a great place in Florida, I will do my best to live on and not let her death be forgotten. I know I will probably receive a mix of backlash and also support for this I welcome both, because whatever opinion you have is your right to have. I just would not be too quick to judge unless you knew us very well. I do not know what will happen to her blog, my blog, or the @officialnodsquad page from this point forward, as that was mainly run by Nikki. All I did was set up the rules and did a few programming adjustments that was all by her. She did a wonderful job and saved countless lives and did not deserve what happened to her happen the way it did. She deserved to live a long and happy life and be able to accomplish all of the goals that she had. She was the most intelligent person I ever met and I loved having intellectual conversations with her even though sometimes the topic was way over my head. I loved her to death and I always will until the day I die. I know that she would want me to be happy and possibly have a family of my own someday but honestly I see myself as those 3 years as the highlight of my life and my time with my soulmate. I do not wish to meet anyone else but her when I pass. Lastly, like I said I will see what will happen with her blog/my blog/the nodsquad blog in the coming weeks/months but for all of the support iâve received so far I cannot thank you enough. Please feel free to send any stories or things I may not have mentioned on here and I will continue to post these positive things about her. For now this is it, I will be gone for a while but will be back. If you would like to contact me simply message me on here and I will give you my number to text. Thank you all again and as each day passes this has not gotten any easier for me, I miss her to fucking death and I just hope I can continue this long road of recovery. I love you Nikki & will always and forever, as you never broke that promise, neither will I.
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