Sawyer Monroe

       “Oh we’ll hold you accountable. Don’t you worry!” And if not, they will. “You just gotta keep your hands busy.” Something about that statement made her want to blush. “–And stop thinkin’ about it! Anytime you wanna do it, just tell us first. We’ve got you covered.” Sarah hated how sometimes when she said we, she really wanted to say me. The three of them were best friends, but sometimes, she felt this weird craving to have Sawyer all to herself. She shook it off        “I missed you, too,” she whispered.        Therapy dragged on a constant rhythm of foot taps and hair twirls—and it couldn’t have ended soon enough. Wanting to catch up with Sawyer was making her antsy, and she let out a sigh of relief when it was finally over. “I wanna hear ‘bout everything, but real food sounds like a dream,” she admitted. “We can do both, but—” she glanced down at her frumpy uniform, “I ain’t goin’ out in this. Change first?”

Sawyer smiled and shrugged. “I think that you look good in that, but that may just be a biased opinion because honestly? I think you could pull off anything.” Sawyer knew how it sounded, and she knew how she meant it to sound, but she hoped that Sarah didn’t take it that way. No matter how she felt about the other girl, it was too risky to actually be overly flirtatious. If it wasn’t reciprocated, Sawyer could lose everything because of that and she’d rather have Sarah in her life as a friend than as nothing at all. “But yeah, let’s go change. Probably good to get out of this juvie outfit too.” She admitted.  They had given Sawyer her normal clothes back but she hadn’t changed into them because of how dirty they had been. All the cops did was stuff them in a bag and Sawyer would rather be in her clean juvie clothes than her month old dirty clothes.”We can go change, go sneak out and i’ll treat you to a nice dinner and we can stay at the table for hours and catch up. You know, like those cheesy friends in those cheesy tv shows.” 

Sawyer had wanted to say that they would be like those couples on first dates who stayed in one spot talking forever, but it was too bold. This wasn’t a date, no no. Not a date. Just two friends, catching up. As much as Sawyer could hope that it would turn out like that, they were just best friends and she didn’t want to get her hopes up for anything more. “I’m really excited for this. I mean I know I said it earlier but I really meant it.....I really missed you Sarah.”

       Sarah knew she was being cold—unnecessarily so–but it was what she did best. If these useless group therapy sessions had taught her anything, it was that this ingrained instinct to build up walls was a defense mechanism for her heart. That being said, she wasn’t in an introspective mood tonight, and she knew she her own attempts at apologies were much worse. The corner of her mouth twitched up as she turned to the girl, fighting a smile before it broke free. If she were wise, she would hate the effect Sawyer had on her. 

       “You better,” she said, nudging Sawyer’s shoulder with hers. “I mean it. Keep ya damn hands to yourself next time.” An eyebrow quirked at Sawyer’s peace offering, and she let out a light laugh when the girl answered her unspoken question. She took the beaded bracelet from Sawyer’s hand and turned it over in her palm. It could have just been her imagination, but she felt a little calmer just looking at it. “These are really cool, Sawyer. Thanks.” Slipping the bracelet around her wrist, her smile widened as she admired the “healing” properties-and the way it shined in the overhead fluorescents of the classroom. “Y’know, you can’t just buy me and Simon bracelets every time you fuck up.” She beamed. “I mean it!”

“Listen, I try.” Sawyer said. “I’m going to try even harder now but I’m serious...I’m asking you and Simon to help me be accountable. It’s just that when I get the itch to do it, it’s so hard not to.” Sawyer admitted. If truth was to be told, the girl was embarrassed that she had broken her promise to her friends so many times. This wasn’t the first time but she was determined to make it the last time that it happened. No more going to jail. She was going to graduate and move out and make a future of herself. 

“I know I can’t, I know. And this isn’t because I fucked up, it’s because I missed you guys.” Sawyer said and nudged her friend. It felt good to sit next to her again. While she missed Simon whenever she left, she somehow missed Sarah more. Sawyer always felt the happiest to see her friend and roommate when she came back. Sawyer looked up as the therapy session ended for the day, and she stood up. “You wanna sneak out and get some real food or do you wanna go back to our room and catch up?”