ah. dont you just love it when your whole entire brain tells you loudly and pervasively to slit your wrists and all you can think about is how delicious it feels to feel yourself bleed out light headed and alla that... i havent been high like that in so long i miss it. i miss hurting myself. i even miss the guilt i felt after, the absolutely intoxicating self-directed enragement. i miss letting myself feel the self-hatred in its full-throttle force. i miss engaging with the toxic beast, letting it come thru me and take me over. i miss being 14 totally absolutely crazy and dissociating to the point where i thought i was possessed
i think i mostly miss when i didnt have to be responsible for myself because i only got such fleeting tastes of it as a kid. as a result, i miss almost bleeding out in the bathtub, and crave it nearly every second of my waking life, and i feel like i deserve it, but i don't wanna freak anyone out with it
i was propelled way too fast into this life on my own shit and the whiplash absolutely wrecks me sometimes. and then i wonder why i have to smoke weed to drown it out... i'm so stupid. i want to die all over again. i haven't felt this way in awhile. i'm probably just gonna fucking menstruate in a few days and this is all evil nasty hormones talking but i really feel like if i wasn't going home to a community of 2 people that i love and trust, who i wouldn't want to leave or feel left behind, i would be attempting something tonight. putting a plastic bag over my head or giving myself a concussion. and i would already be covered in many more scars and fresh cuts.
i don't think anyone understands that i spend most of my time every day staring the animal in the throat and barely tempting him away from coming in and using me to hurt myself. i feel like im throwing measly scraps of rotten meat at a cyborg lion creature whos 4x my size who just wants to see me hurt. and i manage to keep him away but hes always there.... ready to strike when im weak.... ready to see me bleed
i haven't cut myself in damn near a year, and i'm not actually going to damage myself. this is just constantly percolating in my insides and it's painful to just stew on it and not process it
dailybridgerton
vaporwave
2087
theartofmadeline
gamechangershow
romaincrisis
tangentwithtanner