Getting inside of things. Discovering what they are like, when you have no idea any longer what you want out of things or where anything really is going. All the riches of subtle texture can only begin to arise now, and to touch your soul. This journey has gone on forever, but now the deep Earth calls you once again and you cannot refuse. All roads lead to this same place, where it all flips over and you're tumbled to the inside where you meet yourself for the first time. This was not who you expected to see. This other self has lost everything, but has found its way to be here at last, on the inside of the world, ready for anything, no preferences, nothing to accomplish, nowhere really to go--just here, in the fiber of existence, home free.

There is no one else for me but you

There is no sweating in my suit as I walk through the land of nothing. I’m hermetically sealed, starlight and breezes captured within my attire to carry me across the dunes under the burning sun. The surface of my suit is the interface between me and death, for I have realized that the secret to traveling through desolation is to become the oasis. Excuse me, now, for I must return to silence, so as to allow the words echoing through my helmet to subside.

A WOMAN IS ONLY BEAUTIFUL WHEN LOVED

I don't cling and I don't obsess. I don't compare and I don't analyse. I refuse to project the wrong things into my feelings of the present and future. It's so weird how the world is a lot smaller than you think but only because you've made it that way. There really is nothing out there to be afraid of, to aspire towards. Once you've experienced it you can't go back or unsee or unknow. Sam is next to me asleep and he may never know what I'm thinking or feeling right now, or three hours ago. He may never truly understand me. Will I let that destroy me? Or will i have faith that there are things I don't know that will pleasantly surprise me, that will soothe me and reaffirm something very deep in me. And even if it weren't the case don't I deserve to have everything I've ever wanted?

i feel linked to this marriage with sam in a way that cannot be explained rationally. very much i feel the weight of my entire life hangs on how this goes, what i learn and what i become from this, and for him he feels exactly the same way. i really am not looking for a life outside of this because its like im realising everything in life that i need and want is contained in this very special once in a life time opportunity. i know that this is all there is for me and it is entirely in my hands. i push and push against this idea because it scares the crap out of me that i can be the one soley responsible for my suffering and if it were to come down to it - untimely death. To purify ones wedding garments. You cannot enter the kingdom of heaven in dirty clothes. I told Sam once he is like a stained glass window reflecting back ancient lights, sometimes obscured sometimes beautiful and sometimes completely dark. i told him you are like looking up at a starry night sky whilst lying in a vast empty field. i very much love him and he is apart of me now. little prayers and silent tears, whimpers in the night, cries of a knife to the heart. 

I can feel my heart crumbling. I haven’t felt this before. Something, someone right there, but eternity lost. Going all over the world and coming back to same point in time. I know after years I will remember I love him. All that is left is always, always love. Why is it that you can never be with the one you love? How to shield your heart from ever touching another’s ever again. How to shield yourself from being touched by another’s heart again. A gentle whisper from my soul to yours. A fireplace to come home to. The smile of God. The open, unblinking endless gaze of a lamb.

Only the heart powers the spirit. It is the engine and also the fuel for the soul. With soul there is purpose. There is a yearning for what was and what could be. And that desire, that longing is illuminated through who we are in this moment. This expression and this minute in time is the most important thing. And it fades and dies as quickly as it is born. Just as it is brightens into being it is gone, ashen winter, only to see the buds of next spring already melting in the snow. It is an eternal reminder that all is as it should be. That everything is ok. I will see you again! Do not forget about me! And do not let my absence make you forget that I will always return to you. My love, my life. My Beauty, my soul, the reason I return is for you to always remember, I constantly return to you to remember. There is no other destiny but you.

Fin.