misguided sims

there wasn’t anything wrong with it and kit didn’t really know how to approach the topic. because nate deserved the freedom to be whatever he was without judgment. it was just…

kit needed  sex. and realizing — actually accepting — that he and nate would never be compatible in that way felt like the death of something.

he was beginning to realize that all this time his mind — and his heart — had been holding out hope for nate. even though he kept telling everyone that nate wasn’t gay and that he believed nate… he hadn’t actually believed himself.

he kept thinking that nate would realize, would have some kind of hallelujah moment, would come to the sudden realization that he wanted kit. that, eventually, all this sexual tension had to lead somewhere.

only now did he realize that it didn’t have to.

maybe nate had been totally transparent with kit. not just maybe — but probably. because it seemed like not only did nate not want to have sex with kit… he didn’t really want to have sex with anybody. kit had been living in this house with nate for months and in all that time nate hadn’t complained about missing sex. ever.

and he certainly hadn’t had any. 

maybe nate was asexual.

not aromantic — obviously — he lived for cuddles. but just…

“i’m kinda hungry,” kit announced. 

“that was a non-sequitur.”

“don’t use big words, it turns me on,” kit teased, shooting a disparaging look at nate. “but seriously... are we going to stay parked on this couch all day or can we go get something to eat?”

after another few minutes of quiet breathing, nate said, “...what do you mean trial and error?”

and, okay, no. kit could only take so much before he couldn’t bite his tongue anymore. “nate...” he meant to say something profound, something to enlighten and absolutely change nathan keyes’ outlook on life. something that could open the door -- the possibility -- of more between them. finally.

but what he said was, “i could blow you right now. just say the word... you might like it. and then you’d know.”

so, of course, nate laughed. like it was a joke. and without missing a beat, he said, “i wouldn’t.” he shrugged. “i don’t like that, actually.”

kit blinked at him, running the words back through his head. “you mean, because it’d be a guy doing it?” he asked it slowly, trying to clarify.

but nate said, “no. i mean at all.” he shrugged again. “so it wouldn’t really be a good test.”

“how could you not like-” kit stopped himself, coming up short. all he could seem to do was keep blinking. and then, “i could maybe understand not liking to be the one giving. but getting?... everyone likes...” well, okay, not everyone. not, like, asexuals or gray-

oh.

“yeah? does it make me gay if i’m in love with a homosexual, you think?”

“when did you know you were gay? or did you always know?”

“hmm,” kit hummed in answer. 

the whole morning had been filled with a television soundtrack and cuddling on the couch. quiet talks about their past, their friends, their family. best and worst memories. and slipping in and out of naps. kit had been listening to the steady rhythm of nate’s breathing for a while and he’d been aware that they were both awake for an unaccountable amount of time, too. but he’d just been enjoying the peace.

“it’s not whatever,” nate contradicted quietly. “my dad left us too. and it sucked watching my mom go through that and being helpless... you know? that’s why i try to do whatever i can to make her proud of me.” 

“what’s your family like? your sister? for some reason i always imagine you as only child...” nate lifted an eyebrow as he looked down at kit, a soft smile on his lips as he asked. 

“that’s because i love being the center of attention.” kit grinned back at him. “you might’ve heard of jade, actually. she’s a singer. she’s younger than me but she acts older and she’s just as much of an attention hog as i am.” 

“wait, wait,” nate held his hand up to stop kit from talking, that awed look coloring his face that he often wore with kit. “like a famous singer?...”

“yeah, she got started on one of those family-sim channel shows but now she’s branching out on her own. so...” 

“babe, are you serious?! how have you never mentioned this?”

kit loved the way that they could talk about everything or talk about nothing, and either way it felt the same. just as good. comfortable and easy, soft and sweet. he loved the feeling of nate’s fingers carding through his hair, the sounds of a movie playing in the background, the comforting warmth of nate’s palm resting above his heartbeat as they sat together. 

he shouldn’t. 

how would they ever find normal if kit didn’t work out a way to create some space first? what he needed was a chance to figure out what to do about this thing with nate...

kit was almost glad that he was a couple of days away from going home for winterfest. it would give him an opportunity to regroup. to work out what it meant when nate did these kinds of things. to figure out how to be okay with it without wanting it to mean more. but.. 

“you’re up early. i wanted to lay in bed with you.” nate’s disappointed voice rang through and kit almost startled as he felt arms wrap around him from behind. that dip in his stomach at nate’s words was normal, at least. the guy could say the most provocative things sometimes without realizing it. couple that with nate’s warmth bleeding into kit’s back, the security of the embrace, the comfort of it… and kit was a fucking goner. that was nothing new.

but then nate dipped his head against the curve of kit’s neck and fucking dragged several kisses along the skin. was that normal? nate had to realize what he was doing to kit when he said, “mmm. you smell good.” right?… had to.

only kit had no idea what “normal” meant anymore with them. everything was flipped around and kit couldn’t figure out if he was looking at the floor or the ceiling where he and nate were concerned. he didn’t say that though — couldn’t. he was desperate to get back to the dynamic they’d had before he’d drunkenly confessed that he was in love with nate and screwed everything up. 

he was still thinking about nate’s response — couldn’t stop himself from repeating it — and hating how blase nate had been about the whole thing. “i’m in love with you for sure.” … what had he really meant by that? what were they even doing? 

kit was running head first off a cliff, like an idiot. he knew better but he couldn’t seem to stop himself. because stopping meant letting nate down. and he couldn’t stand the idea of it, couldn’t stand the look on nate’s face whenever he was feeling hurt or lost or lonely. 

and, yeah… he didn’t like fighting with nate.