miseryinnaomi

I was scared of you the other night, so I took you low and slow

Only got up to 0.5

It was real chill, a humble introduction to your way of life

Cuz and Bro took at least 3g , and our setter starting being a bitch

He said he wanted to go to bed at three am while we were still all tripping !!!

We walked to the gas station three separate times and none of them did we end up going inside

We forgot the wallet the first time

We got paranoid the second time

We gave up the third time

We ate the whole loaf of sourdough wit like eight boiled hot dogs (glizzy)

We smoked so much fucking pot

I had a fucking amazing time

And I feel great now too

We watched Joes College Roadtrip and

Rick and Morty

I took another swig

I took another drag

Id ghost it

I hit the wood hard as hell

Im slumped, bro

Im cooked, for real

Ay where Jacob at , Yo Jacob, Wake up Jacob

We wanna hit the vapeeeeeeeeee

Im happy

So happy

ay man fosho

ay man ,

Happy Graduation Cousin Man

The Day After our Mushroom trip

I didnt take as much as, everyone else

I saved myself some for later . Tehee

when its your cousin who you see as kind of a younger brother even tho hes six months older

Fucking idiot

I just want you to understand what Im trying to tell you about . Ive seen both sides of the war you are fighting in . Please listen

Im drunk as I write this, Can you tell?

Promise no edits

My cousins friend gave me his burnt geek bar

But I haven’t had a vape in awhile so it tastes fine to me, and he had another at home

I smoked off my cart all day hanging out with them, We were trying to buy shrooms

My cousin said I hit my cart like it’s my vape

I like that shit

My cousins friend said he has the same battery as me,

I like that shit

Its not that deep

Bur I feel like every other teenager now. Geek bar in hand, drunk off 99 peaches, Kodo pro in the other

Why does the brand matter? Strip it all away and it never did. We’re just teenagers getting high.

Tale as old as time

I smoke the same brand

I want to be like every other teenager

I was born in plastic like you guys

I was born gasping for air

I was born waiting for relief

I want to be like you

I wondered, could I be you? Nylon basketball shorts, rubber sneakers, polyester hoodie

I know I am full of richness beyond your comprehension, but I want to get comfortable in your imitation of richness

Let me wriggle in it, feel the fibers wrap around my hips and breasts and make me anew. Your royalty. King of the basketball court. I am just like you.

Buzz cut with chunky layers. Acne craters and inflammation. Chapped lips. Oily hair. Dry ends. Wrists that sharpen your entire physique.

It’s cold and I’m at a school in a place hours away from home. Im walking and eating a sweet sandwich wrapped in plastic.

Ever heard of red bean paste? I think about it when I eat a peanut butter jelly

your playing basketball with your guy friends. Im not invited but Im here anyways. I dont play very well but Im kind of funny . You feel bad

You are so mean to me

Why do I want to be just like you?

The right half of my upper body will always crave to be in your shape

Im drunk as i write this, Can you tell?

Im writing this so I dont end up texting him

Im so sorry I broke up with you the day after your birthday, over the phone at that

I knew it was the wrong time, But I felt it was worse to drag you along days after waiting for the right time

I hope you have someone else now. You are so god damn sweet. You deserve someone to love you so tenderly. Im so sorry

Anyways, I wanted to tell you every single reason why we bromke up in that very moment but when you said you asked me to never contact you again it hurt and I got reactive because I had so much to tell you, and now I couldn’t. But I do understand.

You were so sweet. In every way.

But you weren’t very smart. I saw so much of myself in you, and Ive met a handful of people like you, but I was maybe 13 back then .

You didnt have any stability. I need that in a partner. But I was eager to establish myself as independent, I told myself I wouldn’t waste my time. But three months isn’t that much time, I regret that I was so quick to yank away. There was so much I didn’t get to learn about you. you were going through so much and all of it was familiar to

me

I wanted to help you but I don’t think you were ready to confront some things. It made me worried, because I was only barely ready to confront those same things in my own life.

I cant go back to that time in my life . When I couldn’t even glance at these huge things ravaging my mind.

But you were still in the middle of seeing everything that was unfair to you. Your dad was so fucking weird. Im so sorry. I know he has done things you don’t want to talk about

Mine did too, and nobody wanted to talk about it

So when you can barely talk about it, even when he’s weird To Me;

I lost my sense of safety with you Sean

I got scared

But I should’ve told you

When your friend is so uncomfortable to be around, When she touched on you even when I tried to stare her down, to establish myself as yours, surrounded by your friends for the very first time

I ask myself every day If I should have just stood up and chewed her out but I just didn’t know if that was the kind of friendship you guys had

You said, after she left, that you didn’t like her much either

So why did you invite her that day ?

I don’t blame you for being scared, I don’t blame you for brushing it off,

But why did you have to make excuses for her , to me, when I brought it up? When we were all alone?

I thought we were in this together?

Maybe I lost some faith in you then. I wanted to be by your side but that, and this, time in my life I just am not a broad protector

I try, but I can’t guard you. Im so sorry. I needed you to have a sense of strength about yourself. But you were only beginning to develop that. I should have given you grace

But I think my nature reacted, and I was scared . If I stood up for you, would you for me ? Could you even if you wanted to? Not out of strength, but courage?

Im so sorry

.

Right now as I am typing this I Am Drunk

Can you tell? Let me know

Today I saw my cousin and his girlfriend

Now ex

But we are all still friends

Because thats the mature thing to do

We shared a cigarette at the park. Two actually

We smoke that shit down to the filter

I graduated a week or so earlier then him, despite being a few months younger

We joke

I unintentionally brag about my grades, he mentions the way his fail, I brag more,

somewhat intentionally

Im proud of myself, and I miss him

Dumb ass bitch

He gets off probation in three days,

He says he wants to smoke up with me, but before he said he’d probably only smoke again with his girl

I get it

Where did you go?

We shared a cigarette.Or two. And he explained his issues and I tried to explain them back to him. I have that habit but Im not a therapist. I just like the idea of helping someone profoundly. I hope to God it hits right.

By the second he said he wanted to get into a new relationship, but nothing serious

I said I think you need to spend some time alone with your thoughts TRULY BRUH

i dont know if it truly hit

He left me two of his cigarettes before he left, and his JBL speaker he doesn’t use anymore

Its been three months since we talked,

I told him, I love you cuzzo

You always have somewhere with me

I took a shot six minutes before he left

He said , “What a gangster”, or something akin

But took it back when I reached for a drink

“I never needed a chaser. Not for fireball, or pink Whitney, not for nothing.’

He isn’t bragging very strongly but he is. I find myself envious of that.

The separation between my pride in my education and his pride in each substance-related or manhood forming esk experience he has had, isn’t nearly as far apart as anyone might think

I wish I didn’t need a chaser after a shot. I wish I could deny my human reaction when convenient or cool and I don’t say that sarcastically. People don’t see things as cool for nothing . But I have a hunch he wishes he had my grades. We learn from each other. We become each other until we are entirely anew. Thats the goal at least

My cousin has always been cool to me. He has also always been quite dumb to me. I think those two go hand in hand. He is quite tender hearted down to his true character, defying what he tells even himself

I wish I could be in his brain for a few days or hours or whatever. Just understanding him .

Complicated ass boys turning into complicated dumbass men

I think teenage boys and teenage girls of every variety have wayyy more in common then they think . Everybody is so prissy

Is it so wrong to want to do things without wasting the energy I could be using to do other things?

i don’t know how to do anything right

I isolated when I was 13 and it worked like a charm

But ive seen what the world has to offer . I dont want to sit alone anymore

my own mother can’t stand my face sometimes I see it in hers . disgust

But I believe her when she says she loves me, she wants me to see what the world has to offer

We got in a fight because I wanted her to ask me what Was wrong , and instead she wanted to go out and have a good day together. Theres nothing wrong with that is there?

I didnt go on the school trip I wanted to go on

I just can’t have good days when something is so wrong as it is . I just wanted her to ask what was wrong

Im terrified . Im about to graduate . I cant write . I cant draw . I cant make anything worth anything

Ive never been good at school . But I was the last three years. I was so good. Now its almost over

about 15 years of misery in a place I screamed to stay away from and now its almost over right when I got good . Thats okay

Im going to go to college

Im so ready, now Rush forward, Flood my senses, Im getting impatient

The waiting is the real fear. I know when I meet this new part of my life, of me, that I will meet it horns first just as it will face me the same way. But the waiting. Im just waiting. Im sitting here waiting. Im laying here waiting. Im two months away from turning 18. Im still 13 years old. Today I felt like I was 5

Mom scoffed at me and I broke down because she always scoffs at the things I do or don’t do, the things I say or don’t say, she does it without even realizing it. I point it out and she says she doesn’t even notice it. Nobody has supposedly never noticed the ways they split me like twine

I cry over spilt milk because why would you spill it on purpose?

Well it wasn’t on purpose. just didn’t care if it happened

whats the difference anymore

Im so scared to graduate

I want to be 5 years old again

I don’t care what I miss out on if you promise It’ll always stay the same ,

And I would rather die then stay the same ,

So maybe the answer has been in front of us all along

My bitch ass faggot ass cousin

You retard I miss u bruh

I cant be close to someone I don’t respect

You used to want to be someone who protected people , learning new stuff and standing up for people who didn’t .

When did you stop caring about people and things you couldn’t understand?

When did effort die for you?

I know its been a hard life

Thats why it hurts to see you become so ignorant and unwilling to change , how are we supposed to change these things from our past with closed minds ?

As a yougun

I was not always kind to my animal companions

I tried to be, At times I thought I was

Tough love

Tough love doesn’t work on such gentle creatures

I hadn’t yet learned that for myself

Nobody learns it until its too late

When I turned 14 all my guilt hit me in one massive wave

Guilty of spreading my pain for the sake of sharing it

Despite the pain it may incur

Sharing it violently was always how it was done

When I was 5 my dog had an accident on the floor and my mom rubbed her entire body in the spot , so violent

My mother has always loved animals

My mother has always loved me

The second half of my family considered me a mongrel

When I was 4 I’d run on all fours, and hiss and scratch and pounce

I said I’d run away and become a wild cat

When I was 12 my cousin showed me a video of a woman sexually assaulting a cat

But that wasn’t the first time someone had showed me something like that

I stopped pretending to be a wild cat because I was afraid of getting cat scratch disease

I wanted to be wild and free but it isn’t spared from the same pain I’d feel as an everyday human being

When I was 15 I met a cat named meatball, and she was so so so small

As small as I felt, and she was so scared and in so much pain

She has back issues, you see

She’s the most beautiful thing Ive ever seen, and my guilt hits me in one massive wave

When I was 14 I tried to waterboard myself to death

poorly

, It obviously didn’t work

Im glad I didn’t try worse in that string of halfway attempts before I met meatball

I love her so much

I cant imagine it. Hurting something like her

Hurting something like me back then

I sing to her and massage her back carefully when it starts to bother her,

You’re my angel, You’re my guardian angel

She’s still very skittish from whatever happened to her when she was smaller . I wish I could take her pain away. She’s gotten a lot better over the years though

Every so often she curls up beside me, she drools when she purrs too long , I feel so blessed

She’s only one small portion of my blessings

And yet she alone brings me to tears

I could drink from them if I thought of everything at once

When I was 5 I tried to train my dog to do shows so we could get rich and run away together

But she couldn’t do any tricks, and I was so angry, so I shoved her down and screamed how worthless she was and I cried and cried and cried

Then I saw that in her eyes. I carried her inside. We were always just alone. I laid her on the couch and cried on the floor beside her. I said I was so sorry. I begged her to forgive me .

When I was 15 she got very sick very fast. I felt the need to spend a day with her, I gave her a bath and she curled up on the pullout couch and stayed the night and we hung out for the first time in awhile, since she lived with my grandma at that point

I went the school the next day, and she died in last period .

Honeybear

I wrote you a poem when I was in elementary school

You were everything you ever needed to be and so much more.

Im so sorry I wasn’t as good as I should have been. When I scraped my knee and you licked it clean I asked mom why you did gross stuff like that, and she said it was because you wanted to heal me

And I started crying because I was so honored, and so grateful, and undeserving

Because I loved you so much and couldn’t ever show you how much in the situation we were in

I’m glad you got a good last part of your life. Relaxing and fun. I wish I saw you more. I felt guilty

You were like a grandma to me, in a weird way . Something about you was so wise. You always had a way of telling me things with your eyes. Thats why I get so confused when I remember the love in them, and the confusion, and the fear we caused . That I caused.

But you were so loving. So forgiving. I will honor you. Maybe a tattoo. I dont know, let me know what you think.

Meatball

I wrote you a poem now, drunk and about to graduate

I’m already afraid to lose you because I already don’t deserve you

Nobody deserves you

Humans can be so cruel . I wish I could buy you a whole house just for you with endless food and fun so you won’t ever get bored

And you won’t ever get hurt

By a stupid angry child

who doesn’t really know what it means to be wild and free

But from the day I met you I knew, everything would be all about you

I wanted everything to be all about you

You teach me how to slow down, and be gentle to myself, and to listen even when I can’t understand what exactly you’re saying

You’re here, now, not somewhere else, not sometime else

And I swear to you and your sister , ever more forgiving and kind she is, despite how snappy I can be when she gets on my nerves

I will never let anyone hurt you

I will never let you go hungry, or cold, or miserable

No one will ever exploit you. No one will ever exploit us

I love you

Thank you for loving me. Im human, so I don’t deserve it. But you understand how complicated we can be. I promise a better future for us.