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for a short while, i used to smoothen the crease between my mom's eyebrows when she frowned. i told her don't frown mama, you'll get wrinkles and then she slapped me away and glared at me: shut the fuck up little by little i've stopped caring about most things. and for each i have a story. i hate my insensitivity, but this is the way the world has made me.

another awful thing is; i do feel like this. i feel weighted i feel crushed i feel like my chest caves in and i cant breath and i zone out and i feel miserable, but nowadays it's all so. "emo". i cant even take my own feelings seriously because of how it sounds like the ramblings of an edgy wannabe 14 yr old, and then i hate myself even more for feeling such things- such bullshit. how it all sounds "cringe" and just pathetic in a cringe way. and i hate it. bcs i need to feel to process this shit. but i just. nobody takes you seriously. nobody ever will. it's like, this is impossible. how can u feel like this. what is wrong in ur life for u to feel like this? and when i answer they say "those are not valid reasons". why do u ask if u do not care?

i know nobody likes me and even if someone tries to convince me they do, i cannot believe them. at all. even if i want to, i really rlly want to, but im just. incapable of accepting it. theyre all lying. theyre just saying it in a moment of pity. it's not true. it will never be true. i am not the kind of person people love. or even like. i am just there. temporarily, i exist in people's periphery, and eventually i become an interesting vague nagging memory, that they usually forget but if they think for 7 seconds theyll remember my face and 1 terrible joke i might have cracked. there is no me, substantially, in anyone's life. i am not part of anyone's life. even my family seems usually annoyed by my participation in their life. it's all very unwanted, i know. im sorry.

everything sucks