gutter creature

i downloaded BeReal again bc i thought it might be fun but the app is glitching out bc i denied it access to my contacts

i forgot about it tbh but i got a notification and i’ve been using my phone kinda more ig so i opened it again and had a bit of an internal grapple with the fact that it required me to allow access to my contacts cuz why tf does it require~ them? but i did it anyway. randomly i realised that my ex L∄ was safe from my BeReal which is so funny that she was in my contacts exclusively in between times i’ve been on BeReal + it was by total happenstance cuz i only deleted her number again recently

[ don’t even get me started on L∄ bc i actually have way too much to say and the only reason i had to resave her contact in the first place was because she decided to keep several of my important items including:

- my comfort shirt i had during my worst times as an alcoholic but also some of the best times with a cherished friend from my past

- a comfort shirt in my favourite colour referencing my favourite kind of alcohol that i found thrifting (a favourite hobby)

- a small notebook containing notes from a short Korean course i did

this was also all stuff she kept after we had already planned a date and met up to exchange stuff. i had returned everything, including things she didn’t~ ask for lol but were foods i’d bought for her. not my finest move but wtf am i gonna do w a fuck tonne of snacks i bought for her? i also technically kept some things that were hers, but only things she had said she didn’t care about.

i really wished she had just returned them to me the first time, but i was grateful that i at least didn’t have to see her when i picked them up and it was very speedy :)

her mom blatantly refused to speak to me tho ofc XD ]

i opened BeReal again giggling about this L∄ thing only to find that despite total access to my contacts it still was working. i decided in desperation to try uploading a profile picture and failed

> so i got rly distracted looking through my photos to find some of me (rare) and looking at interesting memes n stuff ㅋㅋ idk i like dropped my phone and when i picked it back up the babadook was squared right in the profile frame. i know i keep the photo because i’m considering adding it to my tattoo collection but it was honestly quite scary, and i suddenly realised that i was completely exposed lying in my bed, state of semi undress, and eating slobbishly enough to have dropped my phone in the first place.

demons

eating this late at night [21:30] is a bad habit of mine and i’ve been meaning to stop. and the other thing; the bad sleeping habit i’ve been meaning to kick but just never actually do

the windows seem to be banging and it’s scary . is it just because i live alone or have i truly gone insane? and somehow my brain is manifesting terror from too many years of consuming horror movies and other disturbing media? it’s not that hard to believe

nothing bad ever happens from the spoopy coincidences or noises though, and things like my spine hurting from sleeping & caffeine making me jittery are consequences i enter into knowingly. but demons are a strange neural pathway for me i guess and a very scary one. i think they may often be the centre of my nightmares but it’s hard to tell because i have a typically high incidence rate w nightmares. L∄ told me once i was praying in my sleep. i know it isn’t surprising because i do talk in my sleep and i always used to pray to Mary when i was scared at night but the information really shook me and i hadn’t been prepared for it.

The noise at my window is just my neighbour - prolly havin a cheeky durrie. i still feel unsettled.

i went to a mathcore show tn tho and live music is live music ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i guess there are worse nights to die

you had bad teeth but u were still a nice person

incredibly talented dude 🤩