finally crashing out

im sitting here on the wooden pew, knees bruised from the praying under the stain glass of my soul. The pannel you colored and installed are glowing brightly, to remove each peace is a long tediuous painful heavy - task. its painfully noticeable how broken each of them are, the outside truth threatening to break through the faded colors, cracks in the very foundation of the glass screaming the lies that you left me with. i know i put this task off for too long and no one other than i is responisble for this upkeep but you did.. say you'd be here as i needed as my assistant.. that id never fail with you around.. that no one could fit into these pannelings better than you becuase you were the only one who could understand the shapes and curves of my soul. You told me it was only you in these pannels, while actively building me out of your own and building her into yours. still showing me that even if someone fits into his, that no one will ever fit into mine.

at 16 i had no concept of what this felt like, the emptiness was there but i was young and innocent, young and unready for what the next decade had in store for me. what it felt like to pack my bags for the first time leaving home with no goodbye from my mother. what it was going to cost me to protect those i cared for and those innocent in the violence. i was not nearly ready for half of those years being dismantled for the pleasure of someone else. at 16 i was devestated over the boy who made me feel silly for liking romance books. i was wrapped up in the idea of who others wanted me to be. i was the eldest sister who hollered and screamed at the injustice she saw too often in her world. i was blinded by medication and horrors of the medical enquity of women. if i could tell her one thing i would tell her that life's a bitch, be yourself, you'll die someday.