Toothpaste is Not for Spiders

So this was from god knows how long ago but considering I might actually start posting on this app I figured hell I'll start with the spider toothpaste rant as a treat.

It starts when I sit down to write a Spider-man and Daredevil fanfiction where Peter Parker gets changed very young and due to the world being a bit more dystopian after the Sokovia Accords May Parker has to give Peter to Matt to take care of and hide. Because Peter isn't just given powers, he is definitely a whole lot more spider. Extra limbs, eyes, venomous, picks up spider mannerisms etc.

So where does toothpaste come to play here? Well most toothpastes are mint and I happened to know Mint was a good spider repellent cause I love mint and dislike spiders near me.

And I went: wouldn't it be funny is little Peter didn't want to brush teeth cause mint to Matt's confusion.

It was supposed to be one maybe two lines to show that Peter was very much spider now.

Then I was looking up stuff that was repellent for spiders and I see baking soda. And I go…. fuck that's what's in non-minty toothpaste/the only toothpaste I know that isn't minty off the top of my head. That page also tells me that something called DE is instant kill for spiders. I go "what's DE?" Turns out it is an instant kill for spiders and great for dental health so much so that it is often used for homemade toothpaste so you don't have to buy all the chemicals and some toothpastes already have it.

So Fuck. I'm lucky that Matt didn't instantly make Peter sick/kill him.

Then I think wait what about salt water?

Instant kill for spiders.

Holy fuck why does everything kill spiders. This thing is curing my arachnophobia cause hot damn spiders are shit at surviving it seems. And like yes I know they can survive fine but they cannot survive toothpaste via my google searches. And now I'm also very very into trying and finding a toothpaste that Matt can give Peter and not have Peter reject cause it makes him sick.

Also at this point I've decided that all of this is going into the fic, cause I'm doing all this research and it's funny.

Finally I find charcoal toothpaste that doesn't have any instant kills or repellents in it. Charcoal's only use against spiders is that if you are not it can help draw out the venom but you can do that with snakes too. Great amazing.

Then just to be sure cause I've been cursed to be the curious cat that keeps using up it's lives for research I look at what is on charcoal.

Sawdust.

I look up what type of wood sawdust is normally made from.

Pine, for, spruce, hemlock, CEDAR, and redwood.

Cedar is repellent for spiders which means there is a 1 in 5 chance that everytime that Matt tries the toothpaste on Peter, Peter has a reaction cause heightened senses remember? So now something that was supposed to be two lines and funny is about a page and Matt is feeling tested by god because I'm feeling tested by god.

So I have him make his own charcoal and in turn his own charcoal toothpaste and declare himself victorious at being able to find spider safe toothpaste.

Will anyone appreciate the effort?

Probably not.

Matt will continue to scream into pillows.

However this rant became my go to silly rant during Covid and is almost two years old now? and when meeting new people cause it's funny and it lets me see how they react when I info dump. Like my dad who told me I was wasting my time verses my friend who has now heard it like 4 times start to finish and thinks it is great.

But then I got a development on this rant after two years because I too hate toothpaste with a passion it just feels gross and leaves mouth weird and fucks with tongue. And so my mom as a joke got me kids strawberry toothpaste which upon reading the ingredients realized that children's toothpaste might have worked perfectly fine to solve Matt's problem which is fucking funny as hell. However the silica that a lot of them have might actually not been great cause it can dry out bugs, which is partly why you can use some types as toothpaste in small amounts as a pest repellent! The other reason is they fucking hate the smell. Again toothpaste against bugs is an interesting thing.