Random Stuff

How INFJ mod and ENFP mod are dealing with self distancing

Disclaimer: quarantine for us began roughly around the end of February, and we’re writing this at the end of April, so it’s been two whole months by now.

How have we been doing up until now?

INFJ mod: the first month went well, and with “well” I mean “bad”. As an introvert, social distancing shouldn’t affect me too much, right? Well, this is true and I suppose it’s a benefit I’ve experimented in the last weeks. It somehow helps me easing emotional pain and stress and this is undoubtedly an introvert perk. At the same time I’m a J. I need a certain amount of structure and order to plan ahead and organize my nearest future. I had a couple of exams during the first month of quarantine and it was stressful to deal with them in an emergency situation with lots of unforseen problems. So, how have I been doing up until now? I must admit that an unexpected emergency like this affected my emotional well-being, but i’m trying to stay positive and learn to adapt and take advantage of quarantine!

ENFP mod: the first weeks had been absolute hell, let me tell you. I lost my routine, I lost my friends, I couldn’t even go out for a walk and every plan I’d made crumbled. Staying home felt like prison, and not having a set routine anymore affected my mental order and productivity because I was no longer able to correctly prioritize things. However, I think being N and being P helped me getting used to quarantine while at the same time being able to at least pursue my main interests and hobbies (I play games, I write, I read, and so on). I’m doing far better now, between discord calls with friends and group projects for uni, I keep in touch with people, while the increased free time allows my sparkling Ne-Fi to focus more on personal projects, like this blog.

Working/studying at home 

INFJ mod: As I stated before, I’m a student. My university reacted well to the emergency and found countermeasures to compromise between a lack of lectures and the regular exams. Now I’m attending online lessons and the situation is far less stressful than it was until a month ago. I don’t have to underestimate this lack of pressure, because in a context where every day feels the same it’s easy to slack off and to lose track of time. From a more concrete standpoint I must admit how comfortable and suitable online lessons are, since i don’t have to spend hours commuting and I can save time.

ENFP mod: I study in the advertising field, so my lessons are more like labs and peer reviews than proper lectures - also, there’s a lot of group work. Quarantine affected all this very badly to put things lightly, and although I appreciate the effort my university put in providing online classes and reviews, things aren’t absolutely the same as before, and this is lowering my motivation overall. I also used to work part time in events and malls during weekends, so obviously I lost that one, too - what a life.

Alone time vs imposed isolation 

INFJ mod: Quarantine should be like heaven for an introvert, right? Here is the fact: I can stay at home for a week or even more without social interaction, but it will always be my choice to recharge my social batteries or to enjoy alone time. This is an entirely different situation. Imposed isolation feels exactly like what it is: a necessary imposition that I didn’t choose. So, even if I need alone time as an introvert, I really miss my friends and the simple things we can do like laughing together, talking about our lives and passions, seeing them smile or telling a joke, sharing emotions. Because as an INFJ my auxiliary Fe just NEEDS to share emotions, thoughts, experiences, fears and dreams with trusted friends. As a Fe user, I’m still managing to find healthy ways to express my feelings, and although quarantine is an unusual situation and there are more constraints, I can still stay in touch with my friend and try to use Fe in a positive way.

ENFP mod: People call us ENFPs ‘the most introverted of the extroverts’ and I can see why but truth is, the E is there and you can’t change that. Not attending classes is hard, and I miss even the smallest things of being outside - like listening to music while commuting or walking in the street and generally… feel the outer world? And even if I, too, need alone time sometimes, it’s different when it’s forced. But I got used to it in the end, so it’s not that bad anymore. Lots of reading, writing and playing games - thank God P5R came out at the end of March. I’m managing by sharing opinions and experiences with my friends - we can’t discuss how Makoto Niijima is the absolute best waifu of the P5 female cast in person, but we can do that via chat with fanworks.

Social distancing: real interaction vs digital interaction

INFJ mod: there is a huge difference between real and digital interaction. If we talk about how internet allows us to communicate and work or study at home, digital interactions surely are helpful and I’m really thankful to live in an era where I can stay in contact with my friends and even see them. At the same time, as a Fe user I find real interaction irreplaceable and from a more irrational and emotional standpoint I can’t compare the two. That being said, I really value digital interaction as substitute of real ones. It’ll always be welcomed, be it to study or to stay in touch with friends. I also must admit how digital interactions are an interesting compromise between alone and social time, a win-win for an introverted Fe user like me.

ENFP mod: I tend to be very touchy when it comes to the people I love so yeah, digital interaction isn’t the same thing. At the same time, none of my closest friends live in my city, and we often need to organize things a month prior to fit everyone schedule, so I’m at least used to not seeing them everyday. I also truly miss my classmates, with whom I used to go out after lessons and have fun. This isn’t obviously possible with Skype calls - and don’t get me started on how project works are harder to deliver like this.

Routine

INFJ mod: Maybe you’ll find it odd to read this from a J, but routines can really stress me out and I need small variation to my daily activities to relieve the fatigue. During this self imposed isolation I’m finding harder than usual to escape from routines.Yes, as a J I need structure and order to an extent. Yes, as a J I need time to adapt to new unexpected situations. What you may not know is that I also need ways to break free from strict and repetitive tasks. In my case, routines need to be a compromise between being mentally reassured by the presence of a certain amount of order and predictability and my aversion for repetitive tasks. Order and structure are subordinated to my desire for freedom. Freedom to create in an environment where I have time and space to envision what I want and how to do it, with my pace.

ENFP mod: I really struggled and I’m still struggling with routine. I don’t like routine per se, but it’s an external factor that gives structure to my life and helps me make the most of my free time while not losing track of my duties. Uni classes played the bigger role in this, and now that they’re online, the temptation of slacking off is really difficult to ignore. I keep my calendar updated and I make sure to be present and focused when needed, but I discovered I’m not well fit for smart working. To me, home is the place where I relax, rest and maybe study, but it certainly isn’t the place where I work. This conflict is what is giving me a hard time focusing on school projects, because if I’m home, the default mode is having fun. Also, I don’t have a sleep schedule anymore. I try my best every night, every night I get rejected.

Dealing with the inferior function

INFJ mod: I’m still working on my inferior Se and quarantine isn’t helping. As the inferior function, it usually takes me a while to even realize how much I’m falling into a Se grip or simply how much I’m not aware of Se. Self isolation amplifies those aspects and makes even harder to become conscious of unhealthy Se manifestations. Quarantine hasn’t stopped me to find a positive outlook in this situation and to learn from mistakes. At first I began to take a more concrete approach in daily life with simple actions. I live in a small town and I have green areas near my house, so I’m lucky enough to be able to spend some time in the nature and to experience it through the five senses. I’m also trying to become more aware of Se by being more present. This week I’m taking action and breaking vicious cycles of overthinking and self-doubt. Self isolation doesn’t allow me to experience life fully, so I’m taking advantage of the situation and I’m focusing those energies in concrete and meaningful actions, like writing on this blog or working on personal project involving creative writing. 

ENFP mod: inferior Si isn’t giving me a particularly hard time, surprisingly. I’ve experienced Si grip and I know what that means to me, but luckily that isn’t an issue now. I sometimes do things that require a more focused and detail-oriented approach: styling wigs for cosplay, trying on new make-ups, baking or cooking, observing what happens out of the window to write it down. They’re not “Si activities” by definition, but they are all things that require concentration, calm, methodical approach and that cannot be rushed - on contrary, sometimes I need to start from scratches and observe my mistakes in order to improve. These are all small things that help my Si stay present and not freaking out overthinking the past, brooding in regrets or yelling at me because I’m not living a structured life at the moment.

The risk of loops and grips

INFJ mod: this is partly tied to what I wrote in the section above: this unexpected emergency and the resulting self isolation produced stress and negative emotions. As an INFJ, my first reaction is to jump in the future and visualize possible scenarios. In this difficult times, I need to take a step back from my negative “what ifs” and to stay positive by building a better future for myself and others day by day, through simple and concrete action. Otherwise I only risk to slip into Se grips or Ni-Ti loops. As I stated before I’m already working on Se: it’s not easy, but I’m at least trying. Another piece of the puzzle is my auxiliary Fe:proper auxiliary function development is essential to avoid loops. As an INFJ, self isolation prevents me from reaching out to my friends as much as I desire, at the same time we can stay in touch through digital interactions and they are surely helping me relieving stress and preventing loops. 

ENFP mod: while the Si part is ok, I still seem to have problems with NeTe loop. I had some rough ten days in mid-March because I was so focused on the million projects I had to finish and how that was stressing me out that I practically lived for nothing else. I managed to stop that before it got worse by speaking with my colleagues and asking to slow down the pace, so that I could have some free time to spend without feeling guilty or unproductive. But I still need to be cautious about the loop.

Trying to use all the four functions (and other healthy coping mechanisms)

INFJ mod: ok, it’s time to sum up what I wrote in the last three sections. From an mbti perspective, I’m trying to find a balance between self reflection (Ni) and concrete actions (Se). Staying in the present, taking full responsibility for my actions,  approaching life through simple and steady actions are all steps I follow every day to shift my locus of control to a more internal position. There are obviously setbacks and some days are far worse than others, but I’m trying to stay positive and find hope. Fe helps me to reach other people which is invaluable but sadly, as an introvert, doesn’t come naturally to me. It’s an healthy way to alleviate or completely avoid loops and to keep my heart warm. Ti, when not involved in a loop, allows me to give structure to what I find meaningful and to organize my thoughts. Ti is basically the backbone of what I envision through Ni. 

ENFP mod: although the first times were rough, I feel I managed to find a balance along the way - with some setback from time to time. My Ne is constantly active in brainstormings for uni and discussing fictional works with friends. I must check on what my Fi needs because I tend to endure stress way more than I should do, so every now and then I must ask myself if I’m fine, if I need to stop or if I truly, absolutely like what I’m working on and, if the answer is no, if it’s possible to discuss it with my project group. Te is very active (even too much, sometimes) and it’s the core of me managing school, blog and personal projects, often writing things down on a schedule in order to keep my mind clear and ordered. I may help my Si more by really trying to re-establish a routine, but honestly the P approach helped me very much in this months of uncertainty, so I think I’ll keep going on like this as long as I’m fine.

when you want to do things and your friends want to be alone

when you feel wrong for not wanting to be alone

when you don’t say anything about being lonely cause you think you’ll sound desperate and needy

wanting to spend time with people but not just any people, certain people and then feeling bad because you can’t say you’re lonely and then deny the people who want to spend time with you

when your friends do things without you or that you don’t want to do

planning things that people don’t come to because they don’t feel like they have to/they all cancel at the last minute

people being like “hey text me” “hey talk to me online” “hey message me” but that’s not the point 

being alone

being very alone

trying to convince yourself that it’s okay to be alone

failing to convince yourself that it’s okay to be alone 

pretending to talk to people who aren’t around and carrying on entire conversations in your head with your friends who aren’t there

wanting to share things with people but not wanting to shove it in their faces

giving yourself the right not to surround yourself with poisonous people

when everyone’s too tired after a big team event to spend more time with you and the last thing you want to do is to go home and not do anything

dealing with these things

crying alone

Like I spent literally my whole life until a few days ago thinking I was introverted because I used to be really shy and I sometimes wanted alone time, and because I’ve always been a really academic type and that’s not often associated with extroverted personality types

Adoptees are just as much poc as you are

You are not a “better” poc because “you know your culture”

Adoptees who identify more with white culture (not the racist part) than “their own” are still poc

The only appropriate reaction to an adoptee who wishes to learn more about the culture of the land they are from, is enthousiasm and encouragement

Also: adoptees who do not wish to know more about “their” culture are also still poc

Adoptees who love their white parents are NOT white worshippers or bullcrap like that

Adoptees often grew up in a white family with a white environment and have a lot of internalized racism also toward themselves, we have also often been isolated from fellow poc our whole lives, it’s important you understand this. This is NOT an excuse for racist behaviour but it may take some time for us to get rid of it. if we are making an effort to learn more, support us, educate us respectfully and help us. It goes without saying that if we don’t, we’re just shitbags like any other racist

Voices of adoptees in poc issues matter

We deserve to feel just as comfortable in poc spaces as you do

For that matter, we deserve to be in poc spaces

Adoptees, especially if they’re transracial, get so much grief.

We’re stripped of agency in the narrative, if we’re included at all. All the nuance is taken out of our stories, if they’re told at all. The ending is always happy- except when you’re the adoptee.

We’re not [insert ethnicity] enough, but if we assimilate to mainstream culture, then we’re giving up. We’re rejected by ppl of our own culture & ridiculed by white culture.

We’re told our adopted parents, who raised us, don’t count, but if we feel conflict about them, we’re ungrateful. It’s so much better in [insert country] than [insert birthplace].

We’re helpless orphans in a backwards country for some (usually Western) to swoop in and rescue. We’re accessories to the plot lines- a commodity without conflict or feeling.

We have to work twice as hard to be accepted by our birth and adopted cultures- which creates huge identity crises, feelings of shame, and severe confusion over where we belong.

We still get affected by what happens in our birthplaces- that stuff affects our possible homes, families, etc. But we’re not included in the conversation (at least as far as I’m aware. if there are examples pls let me know).

Our transracial identity is being twisted and stolen by Rachel Dolezal. We’re robbed of our cultures, choice, and identities.

I could go on and on, but that’s all I can think of now. I’m not saying non-adoptees have it easy, bc they don’t. Everyone suffers from white supremacy, but transracial adoptees have their own unique set of issues that I can’t find anywhere else.

Japanese:

WanteD! WanteD! by Mrs. GREEN APPLE

Korean:

Days Gone By by DAY6

Chinese:

演员(yan yuan) by Joker Xue

Spanish:

Limón y Sal by Julieta Venegas

French: Dernière Danse by Indila

German: Tanz mit Mir by Faun

Spanish: Caótica Belleza by Esteman

Mandarin: 菊花台 (Chrysanthemum Terrace) by Jay Chou

Russian: Жу Жу by Ленинград (Leningrad)

Cantonese (haven't started learning yet): 十年 (10 years) Cantonese Version by Eason Chan

I’m tired of hearing this. I’m also tired of hearing people say since I’m adopted I have to be for adoption and encourage adoption and not abortion.

When people say this it hurts me. It makes me feel as if kids are just an item to be thrown around and given away. Just give it up for adoption. I’m hurt by this. It makes it seem like adoptees are just toys given away it ignores everything else.

I’m hurt my birth mom gave me up. Mothers should want and fight for their kids but she didn’t fight for me. She didn’t want me. That hurts. The woman that gave birth to you doesn’t want you. It seems like nobody thinks about what they’re saying. Being adopted is very hard. I’ve been to counseling before because I cut myself and had depression. Everything is confusing for me. As I got older, I started understanding things more and more. I was confused about where I fit in and who I was. I still feel unwanted. Being adopted isn’t something to joke about. It’s not easy. Saying just put your baby up for adoption and don’t abort is not only rude but it hurts adoptees like me. It means my birth mom didn’t care about me enough to keep me. It means people don’t understand adoption.

I see people say there are couples waiting to adopt. I think it’s good because there are kids waiting to be adopted, like kids in foster care. I’ve connected with a few foster kids on here and some who were adopted from foster care. There are so many kids who need homes. If there are so many couples then they should adopt these kids because these kids need families to love them.

I’m an adoptee. My parents only adopted me because they’re infertile and couldn’t have kids. My mom had miscarriages. They did fertility treatments but that didn’t work. So then they turned to adoption and my birth mom chose them to be my parents. I’m pro-life but I don’t believe in the just give it up for adoption. My birth mom could’ve aborted me. I don’t know if that was an option, but she chose to put me up for adoption. That was her choice. If adoption wasn’t a choice then what? Just because I’m adopted that doesn’t mean I have to support adoption. I do support adoption because I’m adopted and there are many kids who want to be adopted but I don’t have to if you get what I’m saying. I also don’t have to be pro-life and against abortion but I am because that’s my own personal beliefs. I’m a Christian and I believe children in the womb are just as important as children outside the womb. God made each one of us unique and special. I wouldn’t abort my pregnancy because that’s a life. However, I don’t care what others do. That’s between themselves and God. It’s not my choice. I can only worry about myself.

You see this shit. Disgusting. These are signs I had to hold when I was younger. My adoptive parents used me as a prolife prop. They still do. When I was younger all I remember is screaming and shouting. Being told to be thankful my birth mom chose life and not abortion. Being brought to pregnant women considering abortion to choose life and adoption. Disgusting. Now that I’m older I look back at these pictures and feel sad. These pictures are out there for all to see. Me with a sign saying I was almost aborted. Me with a sign saying to choose adoption. My story being read by others. Even my friends and classmates came across pics of me online. Some snicker and make rude comments. Others tell me I was unwanted and my birthmom almost killed me. I hate seeing this. I am not a poster child for abortion or adoption. My parents had no right to use me like this. They have no right to use me now. This is why I’m depressed. Other people know more about my story than I do. STOP USING ADOPTEES! You are telling me that I must thankful. Yet I see nobody else grateful they weren’t aborted.

Adoptive parents, what’s the point of you using your adopted child in the prolife movement? Do you use your own biological kids? Do you use yourself? You could’ve been aborted too. How come you’re not thankful for life? Do you realize you’re messing your adopted child up? Pregnant women have no obligation to provide you anything. Thank you for choosing life. This is not something we tell all pregnant women, so why is it such a popular thing to tell a birth mother? Do we thank women who keep their babies and parent them? No. So stop using shitty phrases. Stop using our name and picture. If you really loved your child you wouldn’t do this.

I am a Black woman, and I identify as transracial. Like for real transracial, no joke. I was adopted from birth by a white woman, and have struggled with my transracial identity my entire life (still do). I am absolutely mortified that right now my identity has been stolen and co-opted by the likes of Rachel Dolezal, and further infuriated that now because this silly woman is claiming it for herself that people are mocking it and claiming it “isn’t real”. My identity is being erased, my pain made to be a joke. My experience as a Black woman growing up in almost total whiteness is being discredited. Please understand, transracial is not an identity I simply picked for myself. Transracial is the identity forced upon me by other people against my consent. 

A transracial identity is what happens, when white people get their hands on children of colour, but have little to no cultural awareness of their child’s culture of origin. What results is a child of colour being raised as “white”. I have a very white name, and “talk like a white girl”. White people are usually very comfortable around me as having been raised around them I am very much aware of their cultural nuances. 

Now all that being said, my ass is still BLACK. My first memories of dealing with racism started very young (around 2 or 3 years of age). By age 8, I was able to process what was going on (micro and macro aggressions galore) and began speaking out against the racism I was experiencing. I used my intimate knowledge and relationship to white culture to call it the fuck out. Now despite having dealt with racism my entire life, as I got older I began to realize that there were many Black people who felt that because I had been adopted into whiteness that I wasn’t really Black, that I must be “white-washed”. My experience as a Black person was devalued as not really knowing what it was like to be Black, by Black people because of my association to whiteness.. something I might add I had no control over, and absolutely no say in.

On the other hand white people, knowing of my adopted status would quickly assume that I was one of them. But the cost of being “one of them” mentally while visibly being the “other” meant internalizing their racist bullshit and well, racism is bullshit and why the fuck would anyone choose to hate themselves just to belong? (I once got into a fight with a white co-worker who was absolutely appalled when I disagreed with him that Black males were inherently less intelligent and that was why the high school dropout rate was so high for Black males, as opposed to the reality that the system is set up to fail Black children, both male and female).

So what I was left with was that I wasn’t really Black due to a lack of present Black parents and family, but I could never ever ever really be white either. Identity is a struggle for all adoptees, but especially so for transracial adoptees.

I am a Black woman, but there are Black people who will say that I don’t really get what it is to be Black. Which I believe to be untrue, but I do have a certain amount of undeniable privilege which came with being raised in a white family. White people are more likely to listen to me. They are more likely to accept me over a Black person who wasn’t transracially adopted. Sometimes I feel like an undercover agent when I’m around white people because of their comfort level around me, they are very quick to reveal their racist selves. And you best believe I use that to my advantage in any way I can to level the playing field.

I have come to the conclusion, that at its worst, transracial adoption is faintly veiled modern indentured servitude. I struggled a lot to reclaim my Black identity and undo the conditioning I received as a child and make the best out of an incredibly shitty situation.

Anyone who has followed my blog for awhile knows that I don’t do this. I don’t post long winded essays about anything ever, for the most part I take shit in, reblog, and keep my mouth shut. Part of this is learned behaviour from growing up adopted and learning from a young age that one isn’t supposed to talk about things which are “taboo”. But this whole Rachel Dolezal scandal, and the transracial mockery fallout has really just broken my heart, because I have fought too hard and for too long to let some foolish white woman take away my identity. Understand one can not simply choose to be transracial, it is just a fact of their life. If I could I would trade my Black transracial identity for a regular Black identity any day of the week, because what a transracial identity means for a POC is loss. Loss of family, loss of culture, loss of land of origin, and the irritating expectation that adoptees are somehow forever to be “grateful” for being “saved”. 

So to Rachel Dolezal, please shut the fuck up.

signed, an actual Black transracial woman.

ENFP: Yup.

Person: You like to party then right? Let’s party!

ENFP: No…

Person: Whaat? Why not? You’re an extrovert!!

But you know what? The world is also making me feel bad for being an extrovert.

I feel really bad for being loud and talkative. I feel needy and selfish for wanting to hang out with my friends more than once a week. I feel bad about how my talkative personality can make people uncomfortable. But work/school is almost the only place where I can socialize with people face to face.  I feel bad for being portrayed as the annoying loud bitch who never shuts up. I feel bad about how (some) introverts think the world would be better without extroverts. I feel bad when people think extroverts are just shallow party crazy people who never have deep thoughts. I feel bad for trying to encourage my friends hanging out with me because I genuinely like their company. And would like to hang out with them more.

So for awhile I’ve been calling myself a Slitherclaw (Slytherin/Ravenclaw) because I thought I had traits of both of them. And it’s not a lie that I do, but I often consider myself to be a Slytherin if people ask. However I’ve realized that a lot of the stuff that Slytherins do is just what I’d like to do or what I’d like to say, except I don’t because I’m too scared/don’t wanna start something. Actually looking at myself I realized I’m more like a Ravenclaw, but the thing is I want to be a Slytherin. And I know that some of you are probably like “oh ok so she’s just a Ravenclaw who wants to be Slytherin who cares why does this matter” but I realized something else. I have been, over the years, becoming more and more like a Slytherin. Having more of an attitude (not in a bad way necessarily), being more outspoken about my thoughts and opinions, just generally growing a more fuck you attitude like I want to have. And that’s the key. It’s what I want to be. I may be a Ravenclaw right know, but who I want to be is a Slytherin. Not that’s there’s anything wrong with Ravenclaws, I love them. My slow transition over time from being mainly Ravenclaw to a mix to now more Slytherin shows kinda how I’ve been changing personality wise over the years. Using Hogwarts houses I’m seeing who I am becoming who I’ve always wanted to be. I’ve noticed it with a lot of my friends as well, seeing them call them self one house then slowly changing into another. I didn’t realize it at the time but looking back I can see the same transition happening to them showing through their Hogwarts house. I know it sound kinda nerdy and stupid but it’s true for every person I know who likes Harry Potter and calls them self a certain house.