Are you afraid to die?

you did well

Rest In Peace, Kim Jonghyun. Thank you for your voice, your love, your smiles and for inspiring and making millions of people happy. You will forever live on in our memories.

Dear Jonghyun. I’m so sorry. It feels like a terrible nightmare, something I wish I could wake up and forget in a matter of minutes, but this is the ugly and disgusting reality. I’m in shock yet, so shocked, tears keep falling and yet I can’t react, I can’t believe it, I’m dead inside. But I need to express this… sadness, anger I feel inside. And you know what’s really sad… that I feel you, that I understand you, and I’m so sorry for that. So sorry because we both made it to survive to the dark side of ourselves so many times, but you couldn’t make it this last time. Why… why you couldn’t… I’m so sorry to know that I’m here but you’re not. It feels terrible, I feel so guilty, so useless. You, that have been so important to me; you, that have been my best friend inside my head; you, that helped me to accept that side of myself and fight hard to move on. I wish I could have been there to hug you, to take care of you, to listen to you and your worries and to be there to remind you how important you are and how much I love you. I’m sorry I’ve never been able to reach you in the way you reached my life. Your music, your art, touched the deepest spots of my soul, it was… a wonderful feeling to know I wasn’t that alone because someone like you also felt those fears, those nightmares, those insecurities, and you were there to heal me. You healed me so many times, Jonghyun, I’m so sorry I’ve never been able to heal you and I will never be. I’m so sorry that terrible monster ate your soul completely. Still, thank you for everything. For your music, for your inner fight, for your sweetness, for your power, for your beautiful everything, because there was no ugly spot on you, Jonghyun. Yes, that dark side is terrible, but it’s part of ourselves; you accepted that and you transformed it into music, into art. A beautiful art. An art that has been by my side through these years. I’ve made it to fight and to succeed in many things and you were there in my lowest and highest moments. Oh god Jonghyun, you have no idea how much your songs healed me so many times, how much you were inside my life and my heart. It breaks me that I will never tell you this face to face, but right now… if there’s a bit of warmth in my heart is because I know you existed, I was able to know about you, I was able to enjoy your existence. I feel so thankful for that, and I will always remember you. In every single song from you, in every single moment I look at your face and in every single tear that will keep falling. You were so important to me and for so many people, Jonghyun. I’m deeply sorry our love wasn’t strong enough to heal you. Thank you and I’m sorry. Jonghyun, fuck, I love you so much. I’m thankful for everything you’ve done and I’m so sorry for doing nothing for you. I’m deeply sorry. I love you. I love you so much. I’m so sad you had to end your suffering like this. My deepest condolences to Jonghyun’s family, to SHINee members, and of course SHINee World. Let’s stay strong, more than ever. Jonghyun, I’m so sorry. Thank you. I love you.

this is the same man who has talked about mental health issues. he has spoken out loud about suicide and bullying. idk whether to take him stepping up as a call for help or what but all i know is that mental health is still such a touchy issue in korea and no one ever comes out and says they have an issue. and it pisses me off cause to think that maybe he did need help but couldn’t get any cause of a stigma against it is just so disgusting.

Jonghyun was one of the most thoughtful artists I’ve ever followed. His support for the lgbt community and his advocacy for mental health has been a beacon of hope in an industry that denies both. I can’t even put in words how much he will be missed and how much this hurts.

in a genre like kpop where everything that is shown to the public is carefully planned and idols are always happy and smiling in public, this is just a reminder to us that they are humans living in a human world too. their lives may look perfect but we really don’t know what they feel inside. rest in peace jonghyun

stop saying he faked his happiness because he shared his entire struggle with depression. HE WAS REAL TO US AND WANTED US TO KNOW. to know what he went through. he was real. always real.