IRONDAD

Pepper: Pete, you did such a great job. Would you like to stay for dinner?

Peter: I-

Peter: I don’t have a gf?

Tony: a bf?

Peter: no, I just, well, I’m…

Tony: kid, it’s okay to be confused about your sexua-

Peter: I’m saving myself for the god

Tony:

Pepper:

15 year old Peter: I don’t know?

Pepper: maybe they just listen to the news and are worried about the avengers?

Tony: yeah, but they keep mentioning some basement and are asking if I feel safe at home.

Harley: maybe it’s the fact that Peter told them that you live in the basement and sometimes mom locks you up in there..but we will never know for sure..

Tony: I’m sorry WHAT?

Peter: I meant that you are wOrKiNg in the basement! as if in wOrKsHoP..

Tony: kid..basement and workshop are two different things..

Peter: I kNoW tHaT, oKaY? I jUst poorly worded it…

Harley: yeah, just like weeks ago when Tony went to pay for a traffic ticket and you simply told everyone that he’s in jail.

Tony:

Tony:

I might make a small series of posts out of it bc I got too many ideas😭

MJ: Hi, Mr. Stark, I’m MJ

Tony: yeah, come on in, I was jus-

MJ: Im here bc Peter got me pregnant.

Tony:

Tony: I’m sorry, wh-what?..

MJ: *shows her pregnancy belly bump*

MJ: yeah, in 8 months we will be welcoming little Arnold.

Tony:

MJ: So buckle up, grandpa.

Tony: *clenching his shirt where his heart is, ragged breathing and cold sweat dripping down his face*

MJ: Peter also got addicted to drugs so doctor said there might be complications during pregnancy and the child might be born with some problems.

Tony: *on the verge of breakdown slash panic attack*

Peter: Okay, I think that’s enough.

MJ: *pops balloon under her shirt*

Peter: Tony, this is my boyfriend Harley.

Harley: *crawls out of the table*

Harley: nice to meet again, Mr.Stark.

Tony:

Steve: oh Pete, no one ever leaves home and doesn’t come back.

Peter: I did..

Steve:

Steve:

Steve: Anthony Edward Stark, did you steal a CHILD?

Peter: *bites it from Tony’s hand*

Tony: what the heck kid..

Peter: I bit it so it’s mine now.

Tony:

Tony:

Tony:

Tony: *bites Peter’s hand*

Peter: what the frick man??

Tony: that was way easier than trying to finalise adoption papers.

Everyone:

Tony, beaming: I made a new suit for him, do you like it?

Avengers: ...

Tony: it matches his eyes

Peter, whispering: my eyes are not red

Pepper: Tony? The fuck? Where did you get this child?! Where are his parents?

Tony: Here. I mean I’m here, so that’s one. But we can all co-parent like this one small village in China, where they basically-

Peter: actually, I have an au-

Pepper: Tony, we don’t have any kids.

Peter: Very bold words for a man who sits in a hugging range.*shoots a web and in one blink he’s on Tony’s back.*

Tony: ughh

Tony: You just webbed us together, aren’t you? How long does it take for it to dissolve?

Peter: Mr. Stark, please shut up, you're ruining our bonding moment.

Tony:

Tony: Do you have any dissolver with you?

Peter: Mr. Stark, please..

Tony: You didn’t think it through, am I right?..

Peter:

Peter: when I was a baby I hit my head a lot, you know?

Tony:

Tony:

Tony:

Tony: kid, what the heck?

Happy: that’s Tony's full name. Anthony Stark.

Peter: Oh..

*a few seconds later *

Happy: hold on.

Happy: did you think that Tony and Anthony are two different names?

Peter:

Peter:

Peter: Why would Tony ask me to buy him 5 chocolate bars if we have Friday? And why would Natasha take 3 chocolate bars from Tony if Natasha doesn't like chocolate? And why does Tony need 5 chocolate bars? If Tony wanted chocolate, he would have bought a chocolate factory instead of asking me to buy it. Or he will ask Friday to make a direct delivery from Switzerland, because "it is the only place where they sell real chocolate". Also, Mr. Stark likes cheeseburgers more…wait, is it possible to change chocolate for cheeseburgers in this problem? Or..

Steve: …ehh, you know that you, in fact, don't have to-

Tony: …

Tony: …

Cooper: dad, i'm cold.

Clint: Are you cold? Huh, It’s only -1°C. Okay, hold my scarf, but don't tell your mom that you were feeling cold otherwise she will kill me.

Peter: yeah, it's a little chilly.

Tony: *turns around and stares wildly* Wait, you're cold and you're telling me this NOW??

Tony: And if Cooper hadn't said that he was cold, would you be silent????

Peter: n-no..mr.Stark..i..

Tony: oh, now we're talking. I told you to wear more layers, but of course you never listen. *takes off his coat* And now I've got to make sure you don't FREEZE to death. *throws tens scarves on Peter* Could you be any more annoying? Ugh..*takes somebody else's hat*

Peter: m-mr.Stark..I'm not too cold, just a little..

Tony: baby spiders, who are freezing to death, don’t get to talk. I'm calling Happy and he'll pick us up right now. And come here-

*hugs Peter and kisses the top of his head, hands rubbing his shoulders* is it warmer?

Peter: *snuggles closer* ..yeah..

Clint and Cooper: *look confused*

Clint: *looks puzzled at Cooper* do you want a hug?

OMG YES Tony would also subtly add various TV Girls’ songs to his and Happy’s playlist so whenever they drive Peter somewhere, TV Girls’ songs would always pop up.

Tony: hey, we agreed no Mr. Stark. I've been officially your dad for a year now..no, of course I don’t pressure you to call me dad, but at least To-

Peter: * still looking in the mirror* i was talking to myself.

Tony: …

Tony: ...

Tony:*makes a proud dad sound*

Peter: *turns to Tony and sighs* okay, are we going to this stupid party? Like do we reallyyyy need to?

Tony: we can stay home but you will be dealing with Pepper’s anger.

Peter: *sighs again* you owe me a Disney marathon and a couple of pizzas.*then a little menacingly* with pineapples.