Minds Like Maria

(Jenkins 2)

and thought it was fucking great. It was written a long time ago…1993 I think. This girl was in high school when she wrote this. Kind of cool how all the shit she writes about is still relevant today. Coming of age, sex, depression, female stereotyping… the list goes on. It’s so different now, us millennia’s spend so much time blogging our life stories for other people to read, “we are internet fiends” (Binnie 61).  But she wrote this in a private diary, just for herself…which also makes me wonder what asshole took her diary and published it on the Internet. Whatever. I wanted to share it cause even though it’s not dealing with trans stuff, I think there are some valid lessons here about living life as queer person. As I’ve said many times, when I was a teenager, I had no idea what was going on with me, didn’t realize I was trans. I just felt weird, but thought it was no big deal to feel that way, because all teenagers feel weird right? Anyways, this girl was clearly an outsider, different than me of course… but fighting the same kind of battle. Trying to find her place amongst other people in this word, all while trying to figure herself out. I guess everyone has their own shit to deal with. I also like this whole Wicca, tarot card thing she had going on. Maybe I should start that. -Maria 

 Dear Diary,

 I think this card means I should accept that Lisa and I are no longer best friends. For a while now we have been growing apart, I barely see her anymore. She’s always with her boyfriend or Anna Canard, and honestly I don’t really even miss her. I’d be more then happy to never see her again. But that doesn’t mean much. 

(Tamaki, pg. 89)

 I don’t even care that she likes to spend all her time hanging out with Anna, that girl has a bigmouth. 

(pg, 116) 

 Besides, Lisa always spews negative comments about everyone, and makes me seem like the idiot. She also consistently tries to shove her opinions down my throat. She’s full of crap. Most of what she says contradicts her actions, so of course I’ve been trying to avoid her. She’s all about being empowered, and an independent person, but she’s notorious for calling people names like idiot or sluts. 

 (pg, 12). 

Being called a slut, is most definitely supposed to be derogatory…but maybe in high school being a slut is not a bad thing? She’s basically obsessed with Anna, and my new friend Katie told me she’s a slut.  

(pg,139) 

So who knows, it seems as though being a slut can sometimes be considered a good thing, depending who you are I guess. I didn’t like it much though. There was that one time when I was called a slut for a whole week. “Scott Bouffant marked me in grade nine with a disgusting hickey that didn’t go away for a week… he never even called me afterwards because I wouldn’t give him a hand job- BECAUSE I JUST MET HIM!” (Tamaki 124). Ugh. 

(Pg,103) 

 I find it ironic, that people are always stereotyping women as overemotional, but with my parents it’s totally opposite. My mom doesn’t even believe in broken hearts, she says they can’t be broken because “Your heart is a muscle” (10). She also doesn’t believe in love, she thinks “love is no paycheck” (65).  My dad is opposite. He believes in love. I guess the conventional gender roles are reversed when it comes to my parents. I kinda like it though. “The only time my mother cries is when she is watching Sisters. That is totally bizarre” (110).  I don’t really cry either, I find other ways to handle my emotions. 

 (pg, 76) 

 I guess you could say I have pretty strong female role models in my life. My mom may be a pain, but at least she’s not some pushover wife. I guess it’s technically weird that she’s like that, but everyone is weird.  Right?   

Hey there :) writing about your deepest darkest emotions can be one of the hardest things to do, but it can also be one of the most gratifying.

I was the same as you, before I even knew I was trans, I came online and researched high and low to find answers to this thing I thought was a ‘problem’. It wasn’t until I discovered blogging and reading other peoples blogs that I realized this wasn’t a ‘problem’ with a ‘solution’, it’s life and it’s mine. But the thing about blogging was, at the beginning at least, I couldn’t put my emotions into sentences. I guess suppressing your emotions all your life kind of keeps them at bay. All i could muster to write was "everything sucks and I am totally sad, just over and over and over and over, with minor variations and the occasional cuss word.” (BInne, 91).

Eventually I noticed patterns, when i would get upset and feel the need to vent, when I was happy and wouldn’t think of blogging, and with that I started to develop my trans identity. I started to hone in on my emotions and really be in control of my brain, no more ‘this sucks,’ instead, why does it suck.

more specifically, how I came to feel ‘empowered’ as a woman. For me I think it was when I finally accepted my authentic self and realized that I can actually help people, by just telling my story. But this topic of conversation got me thinking of something I stumbled upon the other day…

So one night a few weeks back, my insomnia hit hard and I decided to turn on a porno to help put me to sleep. Weird thing was, I somehow ended up on this weird fetish site for this queer femmegimp porn star. I mean have you ever heard of that? I definitely haven’t and I’ve seen some dark parts of the Internet… so anyways, this Loree Erickson chick, y’know the femmegimp, she seems pretty cool, I guess there wasn't enough representation for people with disabilities and she knew that this was a perfect platform to abolish any stigmas surrounding disabled people.

After surfing through her site I wanted to know more about her, something about her was so interesting to me, like I’ve never met or seen anyone like this. A sexually empowered disabled woman. I found this article she wrote called  ‘Revealing Femmegimp: A Sex-positive Reflection on Sites of Shame as Sites of Resistance for People with Disabilities’. In this article she shares why she thought it was so important for proper representation on that specific platform,

“Sex-positive pornography from a feminist and disability liberation perspective would open up the circulation of information and new possibilities. The relationship between pornography and censorship is fundamentally an issue of access.”( Erickson, pg 6).

I mean, yeah, I have my struggles and my oppressions, but i’ve never stopped and thought about the struggles that people with disabilities must face, forget if you’re queer. I mean, they literally have segregated schools for disabled kids, that alone stop them from having a ‘normal’ childhood. Simple things like public transport and housing is inaccessible, plus, they are constantly desexualized- dare I say dehumanized? And just try to think of the emotions you must be feeling like isolation, shame, and neglect. That’s where our girl Loree comes in, to eliminate those stigmas. She’s putting her authentic self out there and taking the power back from society when they told her whats acceptable and wants not. Femmegimp empowerment for the win!

P.S.

The internet changed my life. Writing a blog is so liberating in the sense I can talk about whatever the fuck I want. I can’t express my feelings to my friends and family the same way I can express my feelings to the cyber world.”When you come out as trans, it’s hard to tell your wife, or your het bros, or your dad, or your, I don’t know, bookstore coworkers. For whatever reason though, it’s pretty easy to tell some person from Alaska or California or y’know, England”. Here I can finally “exist without this problematic body” I’m stuck with when I’m offline” ( 61, Binnie). I’ve been blogging since I was a little baby, like eighteen or nineteen years old. You could say I’m pretty popular or “famous” on the internet, “but so is everybody, so it’s not very interesting” (91, Binnie). It’s kinda cool that I figured out I was trans through blogging. Fucking weird, but cool at the same time. Even cooler - kids who are figuring out that they’re trans look up to me. This “Magical Cyberspace” - I like to call it - is a platform where people can spill their deepest darkest secrets and meet like-minded people (or trans people in my case). Blogging introduced me to the trans world. Through connecting with other people from around the world, I realized who I was, why I felt so different. It allowed me to begin to come to terms with my gender identity. I have spent hours blogging about life, and through my writing I have been able to better understand myself, the transitioning process, trans people. It’s been a roller-coaster of emotions. Life outside of this “Magical Cyberspace” can be intimidating and uninviting. Online I can continue to challenge dominant narratives of how girls and boys should act or present their genders. The internet is nothing but the most brilliant digital platform in the world because:

 1. The people I connect with finally get me. (yay for being understood!)

2. Content is shared around the world, picking up thousands of views, allowing everyone to speak their mind on topics important to them. Of course dealing with the internet trolls of the world suck, but whatever. It happens.