Yesterday while I was having a conversation with my mother, I caught myself saying "never in my 19 years of existence" , i'm 20, I have been 20 for 5 months now, and yet It feels like I'm physically unable to comprehend it, to accept it, "it's not that big of a deal", sure it's not, and it doesn't come from a place of not wanting to grow up, nor to age, i'm young I know I'm still young and I know I'm not expected to witness my maturity exponentially rise, I guess it comes from a place of change, it's insane how mentalities shift much faster once we cross the seventeen line, at least from my experience, I've noticed that 18 years old me had nothing to do with 17 years old me, just like 19 years old me had nothing to do with 18 years old me, and so it goes, sure I'm more mature, more experienced and less focused on things that used to consume me before, that I now find absurd, I guess one concrete exemple of that would be the need to fit into a box, an aesthetic, for my looks to directly translate my whole persona and lore, I don't beat myself up about it I know that's a part of growing up. My point being, I haven't noticed the "20s shift" yet, I feel like I'm very much just like my 19 year old self, I don't feel more....developed, perhaps physically I do, my teenage traits are fading away, introducing my physique to womanhood, it feels quite nice honestly, a bit uncomfortable at times, but the overall feeling, to see that despite the rough challenges and pressures you've put onto your body, it's still here, healthy, that's one thing I'm incredibly grateful for, I thought that after 9 years of dragging it into hell it would've crumbled by now, turns out I bounced back just in time to make the damages reversible. And that's probably one of my greatest achievements for now.
I know I've yapped a lot, im not even sure I've made a point, but oh well isn't that what tumblr's for?
