Wei Wuxian

I am returning to roleplay, though I’ll be more careful to not overwhelm myself, and make sure to communicate well, so everyone has fun, I am on @goldenheartedfox now, with Wei Wuxian as one of the main muses, Allen Walker and a DAI one as the others!

This is a note to warn I’m officially logging off this account!

But now? There’s been more and more acknowledgement of Wei Wuxian self worth issues, and I think it might be partly because CQL let us see more of it. It feels a bit reassuring to see it, that more people play with this aspect of Wei Wuxian.

And of course, it just solidified my headcanons. I do feel he has been confident in his own skills, and that he does have self confidence, but it is self worth he lacks. And it’s easy for others to not realize, because you wouldn’t expect someone who is confident to not value themselves, right? But the thing is, being confident in what you can do is different than being confident about yourself.

Also, I feel there’s been some dose of feeling he has to be good, that he can’t afford to fail or give bad results. For all he is a free spirit, it is not at the cost of his skills. But yes, the main thing is that, for all he is good, and has confidence in his skills, he feels he owes it to the Jiang. He’s proud of having been a good cultivator, and it might have soothed a bit his issues with self worth, but you realize when he gives his golden core away that ultimately, he based his self worth of how he can protect and help the Jiang. Often, I wonder what exactly he had planned for what came after, because in context, he had no idea he would be captured, he thought Jiang Cheng would find him and they would go find Jiang Yanli. Did he intent to lie? To try to hide it at first? I can’t shake the feeling that he just... did not feel like he would matter after this. If to him, his worth reached its peak when he gave away his golden core, what was he thinking about the future? And just... he didn’t intend for Jiang Cheng to know, so what did he plan to say? How long did he think he could hide it?

All of this is also why I feel there’s a lot of feelings associated with his demonic cultivation. That’s all his, he developed it on its own, it’s more deeply his that spiritual cultivation was. Ultimately, it is because he wished for revenge and to protect, but demonic cultivation can be said to be his and his only. So isn’t it natural he felt defensive of it? That everyone else reaction hurt? Because it was maybe the one thing that, being his, would place roots of self worth... and almost everyone treat him as lower than human. As a “righteous” cultivator he could not afford to not be confident, his worth was defined by how useful he could be to the Jiang; and as a demonic cultivator, the world pretty much told him he had no worth.

At the same time, because he has had self worth issues rooted into his heart, he didn’t want others to know, especially people he cared about. Like an emotional wound unhealed, he still bases his self worth of being useful, being wanted. Ultimately, all his life, at the heart of everything he sought to be wanted, and so he feared the most that people he cared for would not want him, would declare him unworthy. And if they did, he would accept it, internalize it.

So I feel he grew so defensive with Lan Wangji because it was, I feel, the one person Wei Wuxian knew he would not handle it if Lan Wangji knew the truth, because in Wei Wuxian eyes, Lan Wangji would see he does not have any worth anymore. He was afraid and insecure, to know whether or not he was worthy in Lan Wangji eyes, and so he did all he could to not allow Lan Wangji to see the truth. And sadly, since Wei Wuxian thought Lan Wangji hated him or at least disapproved on his cultivation, it’s easy to see him feeling he has no worth to give. Without his core, he feels unworthy, and with his demonic cultivation, Lan Wangji accidentally projects the idea this makes him unworthy as long as he uses it. So in Wei Wuxian mind, no matter what he does, he is unworthy of Lan Wangji.

Which, ultimately, is why I feel that, even if he was not blind to his own feelings, he brushed them away because I am not worthy. And he would not be able to believe Lan Wangji could have feelings, because he thinks he’s been deemed unworthy, and even if not, he feels he’s unworthy, so why would someone so good like Lan Wangji would ever feel like this?

(What kind of hurts to think about is that, when he’s brought back, there’s a lot of self worth healing to do, because it’s very easy for him to not actually heal. He has a golden core, if weak, and so unlike before, where he felt unworthy because he had no golden core, now he can feel he has some worth. But at the same time, he would need to cultivate, so it’s more of a seed of worth, for him; and demonic cultivation has been cemented in him mind to be unworthy of others. I think that’s why it was so good that Lan Wangji showed care in many different ways, as no matter what, Wei Wuxian started to realized he was viewed as worthy, regardless of his body, his core, or his cultivation. Without Lan Wangji, he would have easily continued with his lack of proper self worth, and I don’t doubt that it still take some time for Wangxian to heal that. But yes, the best thing that can happen to Wei Wuxian is to be cared for regardless of everything else he is or does, because it makes him finally believe he can be worthy. I dare say there’s... not many who can do it, or do it as well as Lan Wangji. Jiang Yanli, the thing is, he knows she cares, but he can’t quite believe it’s because he’s worthy, he can feel he is unworthy and still trust she loves him, but he can feel it’s because they are sibling in hearts. Jiang Cheng is complex, he can help or hurt his self worth in equal measure. But Lan Wangji? Wei Wuxian respects him, views him as great, so if he’s given a sense of being worthy with him, he can believe it. And that’s why, before, he was so afraid: he couldn’t bear to actually see whether or not Lan Wangji would deem him worthy, so he didn’t “ask”, he made sure he couldn’t be “judged” fully, because then he can think, it’s okay he doesn’t know everything so I don’t know if he truly feels like this; while of course at the same time, believing himself unworthy, and thinking, I don’t want to hear him confirm it.

And again, that’s why, the day he starts receiving care from Lan Wangji and he can see it goes past whatever worth or lack of worth he feels, he can finally heal and believe he can be worthy).

And I realize, this self worth issue can play a part in him not asking for help. I feel he does genuinely wish to handle things by himself, if he feels he shouldn’t burden others or it’s something he should handle himself, but the problem is, if he doesn’t feel himself worthy, then how can he feel worthy to ask for help? If he feels unworthy, it is easy for him to feel he should not bother others, regardless of whether or not he actually needs help. Sometimes, he doesn’t, but sometimes, he does and he just... doesn’t have the self worth to ask for it. And of course, because he mask himself with confidence and arrogance, it can be easy to think he just doesn’t want help. It’s a minefield to anyone who wants to respect him, because how does one respect his choices and at the same time decipher if his choice is genuine or based in self worth issue? And the problem is that, because not many might even realize he has this issue, they’ll assume the choice is genuine.

(At the same time, someone who respect his choices is very good for him, someone he can trust because he feels respected, which is a feeling that can lead to feeling worthy, if it has time to be cultivated. yes I did that word play).

And when he leaves, he hunts down Wen Chao. He only, finally “comes out” of all this when he’s killed him. And he’s facing Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji, two of the three he knows that know him well and whose opinion actually matter to him.

But Jiang Cheng? Not only can Wei Wuxian easily see his moods and that he’s more focused on revenge, he has grown up with him, he know how to re direct. Lan Wangji? He knows how hard it will be. And he’s not ready to discover whetehr or not he will be seen as worthless now, so he pushes back Lan Wangji.

At the same time, because of all the trauma he has gone through, he also instinctively want to protect himself from what he perceives can be painful, and in this case, it’s discovering how worthy or worthless he’ll be to Lan Wangji eyes. To Jiang Cheng too, but he feels he can play around it; with Lan Wangji, he knows he can’t, unless he fully push him away.

After that, he both has some margin to stabilize a bit, and he has no way to fully heal because they are at war. So his trauma, of all that happened, can’t heal, and so he keeps minimizing the way he can be hurt, and he does that by not allowing himself to be vulnerable with others. Not even Jiang Yanli, although he does lower some guard with her, but the thing is, I feel he fears the most showing his vulnerability with her, because he feels once he does, he can’t pull back up his guards. And well, again: he feels unworthy, so he doesn’t want to expose her to it.

I made one for Allen because there’s more threads, it’s to help myself stay somewhat organized on Allen. With WWX, it’s calmer so I didn’t feel the need to have a thread tracker.

(You can also always find yourself by your url on my blog, if you ever do wonder what we had; or ask me).

I love that my first thought was: a very Wei Wuxian thing to do.

Staying behind to let everyone else escape the Xuanwu of Slaughter

Giving his golden core to Jiang Cheng

Getting the Wen free and safe

Telling Jiang Cheng to declare he’s not part of the Sect anymore

Hiding A-Yuan

Making sure the Juniors get out when he realizes it’s Xue Yang

Making himself a bait so that everyone can escape Burial Mounds

And among those, I would feel the most “this is heroism” by staying behind, giving his golden core, and getting the Wen free.

What stands out, is that if you look at the list, there’s only two occasions where his act of heroism was for a single person. All of those are about group of people, except the fact he gave away his golden core, and that he hid A-Yuan.

And it’s why I would indeed agree that his greatest heroic is giving away his golden core. It’s, of course, great that he’s done heroic things for group of people, and in theory, making sure Jiang Cheng can cultivate again is beneficial for the whole Sect. But there’s something meaningful to heroism directed at a single person, all that core value of wanting to protect the weak and do what is right, solely focused on a single person.

To both Jiang Cheng and A-Yuan, it was pretty much life saving. But only his act of giving away his golden core is an act he made a secret. It’s both the greatest act he’s done, and the one that got no recognition and wouldn’t have if things didn’t end up revealed. Personally, it adds a layer of heroism to not only do such a thing, but not want it to be known.

So, yes, I think I can agree with the idea that his single most heroic act was to give his golden core to Jiang Cheng, and so to say his single most heroic act was for Jiang Cheng.

(And oh, the sweet irony that Jiang Cheng own greatest act was to bait the Wen away from Wei Wuxian, an act he has never told anyone. When it comes down to it, they did the exact same thing: their greast act was for each other, with zero wish for it to be known).

(Makes me think of the idea that there cannot be hate if there was no love. Wei Wuxian hate Wen Chao not because he used to love him obviously, but he does hate Wen Chao because of the hurt to his loved one. Jiang Cheng? He “hates” Wei Wuxian as much as he loves him).

However, this does mean I can play around with Wei Wuxian’s awakening. It can be quick, it can be long, it can be painful, it can be with not much pain but drag on, etc.

Though, I think the one thing I won’t do is a quick Awakening. This is in big part due to how, to mix canons, I hced the Noahs were dormant and weren’t meant to come back. So his Awakening won’t be out of the blue, and quick. It’s a gradual process, but how quickly it goes can vary. It can be short, a few days, or it can be long.

This does mean, in theory, that a post-canon Wei Wuxian can Awaken, too. While I do see his resurection as the final trigger, I think the event between his return and the end of the (main story) novel don’t take that long? So it’s possible to place the Awakening post-canon. I will, however, make a verse for that, and keep the main verse as it is.

I do, however, kind of like it. I would say, it’s possible after he does manage to regain a bit more of his human personality, and you can see hints “Wei Wuxian” is not gone. But this does show how the Awakening can affect him~ Especially as I view this verse as the one where he gets a bad kind (he doesn’t have anything to balance out the pure hate and darkness a Noah carries in their soul, and quite opposite, he was in a state of loss and anger).

There’s no actual detail, there’s a mention of blood, and brief mention of how the pain made him harm himself, otherwise I remained focused on feelings and the aftermath.

Enjoy~

Talon gazed upon the mortal carefully, before finally inclining his head ever-so-slightly. He had seen how terrible and cruel mortals were capable of being - indeed, he had beared unspeakable things since falling to this mortal plane - the daring of those mortals who thought themselves better than he! Who thought they could treat him as if he were nothing more than a madman! He was a king, and a dragon, and they all should fall to their knees before him!

“I understand. I do not understand this… Aggression… Mortals feel towards those who reveal their true natures to them, but very well. Mo Xuanyu it is, then.”

“I do not mind if mortals worship worship me, however, nor if they fear me as they should instead.” His tone could almost be described as nonchalant if only it were not for the utter coldness in his eyes. He had been feared before, when he was in his true place - in the heavens amidst the gods, toying with mortals’ lives 

“Unlike others of my kind, I have learnt to see through the verneer of kindness and fear to see the truth of mortal kind.” He did not care that it was to a mortal which he spoke. He had seen through the lies and been burnt by their kindness. He had learnt the hard way one could not trust one of their kind. He sneered. “I know that it is the goal of mortals to hold power over all others, even those who are objectively their betters.”

In a way, he meant the mortal which he spoke to, too. His flirting words were fun and lighthearted, yet Talon did not doubt he said them to curry favour with him. It was always the same with mortals. Always. Irelia had bought into that - taught him to be kind and gentle and to be obedient, yet he would not allow himself to be shackled to their whims. He would remain free. 

“Do you not fear me, knowing I am different to you immortals? I know humans have a penchant for fearing what they do not know or understand.”

Wei Wuxian wanted to tell this one that mortals might or might not have a reason to turn aggressive, but they had agreed to keep to his Mo Xuanyu front, and so instead, he simply thanked the other with a smile.

A laugh escaped Wei Wuxian. “Ah, now that’s great confidence. I respect that.” He was not blind to that coldness however, and well... There had been a time where those would have been his words.

He had always meant them, yet he also... not quite meant them. No, he did not care for how others viewed him, as long as he could do the right thing. But to say it didn’t matter to him... That it wouldn’t hurt...

“What a dark view on mortals... But not a wrong one.” He smiled bitterly. “I assure you, some of us do see this too, and hate it. All those hyprocrites, only caring about their power. I can certainly see why you feel like this.” And he knew of course, that this meant this one was very likely not trusting Wei Wuxian much. Or not at all.

A grin formed, grey eyes sparkling with mischief. “I would rather be curious than fear what I do not understand. In fact, I’m very lucky right now! To meet an Immortal is very rare! It’s truly an honour~”