I feel it might be something we all experienced, but when I started this blog, I had really felt the self esteem issues Wei Wuxian had, but I wouldnāt see often people mention it so I would wonder if it was an early perception, something Iāll adjust later, because when youāre new, you canāt help being uncertain faced to people who have been longer around. As much as I have learned both self confidence and that itās totally okay if your portrayal is actually different than canon, you still kind of want to understand the canon.
But now? Thereās been more and more acknowledgement of Wei Wuxian self worth issues, and I think it might be partly because CQL let us see more of it. It feels a bit reassuring to see it, that more people play with this aspect of Wei Wuxian.
And of course, it just solidified my headcanons. I do feel he has been confident in his own skills, and that he does have self confidence, but it is self worth he lacks. And itās easy for others to not realize, because you wouldnāt expect someone who is confident to not value themselves, right? But the thing is, being confident in what you can do is different than being confident about yourself.
Also, I feel thereās been some dose of feeling he has to be good, that he canāt afford to fail or give bad results. For all he is a free spirit, it is not at the cost of his skills. But yes, the main thing is that, for all he is good, and has confidence in his skills, he feels he owes it to the Jiang. Heās proud of having been a good cultivator, and it might have soothed a bit his issues with self worth, but you realize when he gives his golden core away that ultimately, he based his self worth of how he can protect and help the Jiang. Often, I wonder what exactly he had planned for what came after, because in context, he had no idea he would be captured, he thought Jiang Cheng would find him and they would go find Jiang Yanli. Did he intent to lie? To try to hide it at first? I canāt shake the feeling that he just... did not feel like he would matter after this. If to him, his worth reached its peak when he gave away his golden core, what was he thinking about the future? And just... he didnāt intend for Jiang Cheng to know, so what did he plan to say? How long did he think he could hide it?
All of this is also why I feel thereās a lot of feelings associated with his demonic cultivation. Thatās all his, he developed it on its own, itās more deeply his that spiritual cultivation was. Ultimately, it is because he wished for revenge and to protect, but demonic cultivation can be said to be his and his only. So isnāt it natural he felt defensive of it? That everyone else reaction hurt? Because it was maybe the one thing that, being his, would place roots of self worth... and almost everyone treat him as lower than human. As a ārighteousā cultivator he could not afford to not be confident, his worth was defined by how useful he could be to the Jiang; and as a demonic cultivator, the world pretty much told him he had no worth.
At the same time, because he has had self worth issues rooted into his heart, he didnāt want others to know, especially people he cared about. Like an emotional wound unhealed, he still bases his self worth of being useful, being wanted. Ultimately, all his life, at the heart of everything he sought to be wanted, and so he feared the most that people he cared for would not want him, would declare him unworthy. And if they did, he would accept it, internalize it.
So I feel he grew so defensive with Lan Wangji because it was, I feel, the one person Wei Wuxian knew he would not handle it if Lan Wangji knew the truth, because in Wei Wuxian eyes, Lan Wangji would see he does not have any worth anymore. He was afraid and insecure, to know whether or not he was worthy in Lan Wangji eyes, and so he did all he could to not allow Lan Wangji to see the truth. And sadly, since Wei Wuxian thought Lan Wangji hated him or at least disapproved on his cultivation, itās easy to see him feeling he has no worth to give. Without his core, he feels unworthy, and with his demonic cultivation, Lan Wangji accidentally projects the idea this makes him unworthy as long as he uses it. So in Wei Wuxian mind, no matter what he does, he is unworthy of Lan Wangji.
Which, ultimately, is why I feel that, even if he was not blind to his own feelings, he brushed them away because I am not worthy. And he would not be able to believe Lan Wangji could have feelings, because he thinks heās been deemed unworthy, and even if not, he feels heās unworthy, so why would someone so good like Lan Wangji would ever feel like this?
(What kind of hurts to think about is that, when heās brought back, thereās a lot of self worth healing to do, because itās very easy for him to not actually heal. He has a golden core, if weak, and so unlike before, where he felt unworthy because he had no golden core, now he can feel he has some worth. But at the same time, he would need to cultivate, so itās more of a seed of worth, for him; and demonic cultivation has been cemented in him mind to be unworthy of others. I think thatās why it was so good that Lan Wangji showed care in many different ways, as no matter what, Wei Wuxian started to realized he was viewed as worthy, regardless of his body, his core, or his cultivation. Without Lan Wangji, he would have easily continued with his lack of proper self worth, and I donāt doubt that it still take some time for Wangxian to heal that. But yes, the best thing that can happen to Wei Wuxian is to be cared for regardless of everything else he is or does, because it makes him finally believe he can be worthy. I dare say thereās... not many who can do it, or do it as well as Lan Wangji. Jiang Yanli, the thing is, he knows she cares, but he canāt quite believe itās because heās worthy, he can feel he is unworthy and still trust she loves him, but he can feel itās because they are sibling in hearts. Jiang Cheng is complex, he can help or hurt his self worth in equal measure. But Lan Wangji? Wei Wuxian respects him, views him as great, so if heās given a sense of being worthy with him, he can believe it. And thatās why, before, he was so afraid: he couldnāt bear to actually see whether or not Lan Wangji would deem him worthy, so he didnāt āaskā, he made sure he couldnāt be ājudgedā fully, because then he can think, itās okay he doesnāt know everything so I donāt know if he truly feels like this; while of course at the same time, believing himself unworthy, and thinking, I donāt want to hear him confirm it.
And again, thatās why, the day he starts receiving care from Lan Wangji and he can see it goes past whatever worth or lack of worth he feels, he can finally heal and believe he can be worthy).
And I realize, this self worth issue can play a part in him not asking for help. I feel he does genuinely wish to handle things by himself, if he feels he shouldnāt burden others or itās something he should handle himself, but the problem is, if he doesnāt feel himself worthy, then how can he feel worthy to ask for help? If he feels unworthy, it is easy for him to feel he should not bother others, regardless of whether or not he actually needs help. Sometimes, he doesnāt, but sometimes, he does and he just... doesnāt have the self worth to ask for it. And of course, because he mask himself with confidence and arrogance, it can be easy to think he just doesnāt want help. Itās a minefield to anyone who wants to respect him, because how does one respect his choices and at the same time decipher if his choice is genuine or based in self worth issue? And the problem is that, because not many might even realize he has this issue, theyāll assume the choice is genuine.
(At the same time, someone who respect his choices is very good for him, someone he can trust because he feels respected, which is a feeling that can lead to feeling worthy, if it has time to be cultivated. yes I did that word play).
Basically: he needs someone who respects his choices but also shows they care no matter what, but the trick is, he needs to care about this person himself and feel they know him. A stranger who accept him, he easily feels they just donāt know him enough. So only a known, loved/trusted person can heal his self worth issue.