Heavy and frail; Quiet and falling.

i used to... be more excited. love more. used to want to be closer to people.

people wanted to be closer to me. they thought i was cool, too.

Thoughts keep circling around endlessly.

I feel envy of... Everything. Not the type of envy that makes me want people to lose something. But just... Feeling like I wish I could have that. I wish I could be good enough for that.

Everywhere I look, it doesn't stop. Every creator that I admire or not... It becomes painful watching them. Wishing I could be more like them.

I feel like I'm just a huge fraud. Not only that, but the effects are here too. People are catching on to it, subconsciously. Of course people are watching me less. I'm not even a real content creator. What do I even create? Who do I even entertain?

Something tells me that the people entertained by me are all kids. Or people that don't know what real value media has. Why would you waste your time on me?

It's like I put no effort into things. I'm unable to struggle. Unable to...

When I did my "cool achievement"... Why was it "easy"? How could I do it every single day?

I had a constant flow of motivation. People cheered me on. They did the motivating for me.

But I can't do this for myself. I can't motivate myself, not even for the easiest tasks.

Why? Why is it? Do I need an external source of constant validation, is that it?

I thought I was becoming normal this past year.

Why is it going away? I still have all my friends and many viewers...

But I don't feel close enough to anyone. The people I consider my closest friends don't want to spend time with me. The ones that do want to spend time with me, I can't care about. My minds tells me I can't learn from them.

Not the type of depressed that makes people get all productive and write and draw things...

I don't sit in my bedroom making creative projects...

Go to therapy and take antidepressants.

It helps.

You can heal.