Millennial Fuck Up

Elizabeth Barrett Browning goes up to the counter. The barista begins to speak to her in perfect meter, asking what she’d like to drink. Not missing a beat, she responds:

“How do I take my coffee? Let me count the ways.

With cream and sugar, syrups, foam, milk - light.

You never reach the bottom with a trenta’s height,

For the ends of frappuccinos ne’er have Grace.

I take it in the morning with the rays

Of that great sun, and drink ‘till full daylight.

I take it freely, as men strive for Right;

I take it purely, as they turn from Praise.

I take it with Passion put to use

In Tazo teas, and with my childhood’s faith.

I take it rapidly and never lose

A single drop, — I take it with the breath,

Smiles, tears, of all baristas!—and, if God choose,

I would drink coffee daily until death.”