As a child I always knew exactly what I wanted to be when I grew up & I was always very sure of it. I don’t remember there being a doubt in my mind that I would be all of those things one day. I constantly daydreamed about it vividly, just knowing & feeling that I was meant for all of these things. If I ever found that I couldn’t handle real life I would remember my dreams & always feel hopeful again. They fueled me, all throughout my childhood and high school years. The hope I felt about my future began to fade as I procrastinated into my twenties & realized I didn’t have much work to show for myself. I can’t tell you how hopeless it feels to look at all the things you love in life & wonder why you can’t just fucking act on them. My twenties had already been one hell of a ride with figuring out how to be an adult, experimenting with drugs in toxic living situations, my house burning down. . . but what’s a good struggle without a dash of existential dread. I was SO hard on myself. I did what I could to make myself feel worthless because starting from nothing seemed much more terrifying. but in learning how to treat myself better I’ve been realizing and remembering a lot of things. I realized that I had never been set up for success. The adults in my life had never encouraged me, motivated or inspired me, believed in me, or tried to educate me on how to be a functional human being in general, let alone in terms of my dreams. In fact, there was more effort put into mocking my dreams than uplifting me in any way. Of course those interactions were always unpleasant but I thought they didn’t matter. As long as I believed in myself it would never matter what my drunk father came in to say about me at 3am on a school night, or what any other adult said, for that matter. I didn’t realize I was crumbling until I was left to sweep up the pieces as an adult. & although I can’t put that blame on anyone I will always question why my parental figures & role models didn’t believe in me, or why they didn’t do their part in raising me to be an even badder bitch that I am. . . It’s hard to do on my own, but I know I’ve got it from here. One day at a time. . . https://www.instagram.com/p/CKV0TlnB2CV/?igshid=1jzuc741omv19
annaxmalina
titsay
