thank you, angels.

out

loud

but i'd wait a lifetime

and hold on to the wash of the waves

from the agony of wondering if

she will ever show up

if

she will ever pick up the phone

or maybe, just maybe

she will be a part of my life

see more than my skin

feel more than my bones

crawling up my tongue

and jumping through my lips

with everything i have

accessible, or not

i'll care

the first and only girl i've ever loved hasn't talked to me in months. while we were dating, a gas explosion and gigantic fire happened within eyesight of her place. 2 people died. she was evacuated and unharmed. it scared me so much as we were long distance and i didn't have the ability to do anything.

that was a year ago.

this weekend, there was a news article about an electrical explosion and huge fire near her. i started to panic. i deleted her number months ago because she made a comment about me being toxic , and i wanted to respect her and not impulsively message her when i was feeling emotional. i messaged her on Facebook on Friday, on Instagram on Saturday morning, and from my business instagram on Saturday pm and on her business Facebook on Sunday am. i guessed her number from memory and text her. i messaged her sister. no replies. deep down i wanted to believe she was fine and ignoring me. but on the surface, i was horrified that she couldn't be so fortunate twice. i was out of my freaking mind. then i realize i can google if there were any injuries. the answer is no.

so i guess I was right. i made myself sick for 3 days and she's most likely fine.

what else is it going to take for me to get over this person who clearly doesn't care about me ?