Milascenta

Im sorry im not a consistent person. You never do anything against me N, I truly promise you. Im just not consistent. I've been really trying to focus on that recently. Ive finally found a therapist, someone I can truly say the things to I can't to anyone. Its hard though, I've realised a lot about myself that I didn't know. How much of myself I've sacrificed and how little I feel i have left of myself. I feel like i wasted the last 10 years giving pieces of myself to the people around i tried to impress? feel a belonging with? I dont know, just constantly trying to change myself to suit the needs of others. No one could ever get that part of me, im only really understanding it now for myself so I guess that makes sense. Im trying to focus on getting better and becoming strong, because no one deserves someone weak, but then thats hard to live up to and I punish myself. Im also realising im a human with wants and needs and that its ok to want and need because im a human, which is weird i dont know.

Im so sorry about your grandmother, im so sorry for everything ive missed. I dont want you to think that im gone, im always here. I just dont want to promise ill write more, I want to write more but i never feel like i have anything to say and then i just freeze and do nothing, and I just dont want to promise then break it. Im sorry this isnt super positive too. I can promise i am getting better, its slow and hard but it is working.

Chonky is doing good, she had to get most of her teeth out, only a couple molars and her bottom right fang left, but she's so much better for it now.

God im so sorry for the weather you must be having too, Aussie summer should be no where else but australia (and even then lol) I really hope you're staying as comfortable as possible.

You're braver than I will ever be N please dont forget that.

I will say something positive (sorry I've been writing this over days) I've discovered an obsession with hockey, I follow the PWHL now, they actually broadcast over YouTube so I can watch here. Its so fun to watch, one of my teams won the Walter cup (NHL Stanley cup equivalent) the best thing about it is that it only started a few years ago and is already expanding rapidly.

I also finally watched Game of Thrones, I loved it, I even liked the ending but it was objectively bad if that makes sense lol. I also watched Knight of the Seven Kingdoms, that was perfect can't wait for more and now im catching up on House of the Dragon which is really good too.

Im sorry this is short, I miss you too.

Hands in each other's hair

We are born again

Hey N,

I'm sorry I haven't written in a while my new year hasn't been the best, both the end of the year and start.

I'm hoping your reaction has been taken control of I hope washing your hoodie was good enough. I'm so sorry you had to be in hospital I hope it wasn't too bad, and that the antihistamines worked properly and you aren't so drowsy. It sucks being so tired all the time, especially without and real reason. The rash sounded awful so I hope its ok now. I'm hoping you had a better new year, staying on the couch snug with some snacks sounds great tbh. I hope everything good happens to you this year and more because you deserve it.

I was able to get in contact with a psychologist, only took like 3 months lol. A bit annoying but honestly our government doesn't give a shit about psychology unfortunately, so to find anything is good enough. I should be able to start soon and hope it helps moving forward with my life and everything I want to do this year.

I'm glad you liked Gladiator 2, I really want to see it too. I love Pedro Pascal and I think he's good in everything haha.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, it sucks that things turned out like that. I hope you doing better now and things are a bit more smoothed over. I just want to say you didn't deserve any of it, and you will be better now.

I'm glad your gran is doing a bit better and hope things have continued like that. She seems so strong and I respect that.

My new year didn't really start well, I lost my childhood cat last month, Sunday. Didn't seem like any warning for it too. Cats sometimes just don't show anything until its too late unfortunately. One night she just didn't come in and my mother came up late at night to ask me if I help find her and we couldn't. She asked me if I could try again later in the night, I stay up late anyways so I was able to. I tried a few times but couldn't find her. I knew I couldn't sleep either without knowing where she was or getting her inside. It was so cold that night too. I tried again around 4am. I went outside and called and called for her, not really seeing anything until I turned around and saw her walk up. I let her inside and she seemed not interested in food or water, she just slowly walked up to a chair she liked to lie on in the living room. She seemed exhausted and cold, so I sat with her for a bit patting her and trying to warm her up, I did manage to get a small purr out. I gave her a kiss and went up to my mother to tell her. She came down to see her too, and she saw how exhausted she seemed, she picked her up and took to her room to sleep and get under a blanket. Apparently she couldn't settled throughout the night and didn't sleep much. My mother took her to the vet once it opened in the morning, and they tried to do tests but they couldn't really stabilise her, she couldn't really go off oxygen for long. They could do an ultrasound though and found a massive lump in her liver. There was an option to take her to an animal hospital but there wasn't any guarantee of anything, she couldn't go off oxygen for long and finding that lump meant worse things. My mum just didn't want her to suffer anymore and going through surgery and recovery would have only added to the stress. So she had to be put down. My mother stayed with her until the end, and took her home to be buried properly. We chose a nice spot in the garden she liked to be in, and put some rocks and a lil cat statue over her too. It was hard doing it, but we were able to say goodbye properly to her. I just wished I did something earlier, I noticed she had become a bit skinnier over time, but its summer here she usually loses a lot of fur so I just thought it was that. I miss her, I still slow down in the hallway when walking down in the dark because she usually would lay in the middle and almost get stepped on lol. Chonky and my brother's cat usually go over to her grave and sniff around and rub against the cat statue like they're saying goodbye.

On a bit of a lighter note, I've moved room in the house, my dad's knee is getting too stiff to walk up and down the stairs so he moved out of his and is now moving downstairs. So I have the big bedroom in the house? it feels weird but we did a lot of renovations, and turned the walk in closet into a computer room, and Chonky has sooo much room to run around in, she can't stop lol. It does mean I have a lot more separation and room too. I've been really thinking about streaming again soon, now that I have a lot more privacy.

I've also started to draw, I bought a drawing tablet for cheap from huion, and its really nice. I've been having fun doodling and learning lines and shapes, I drew chonky better than I've ever done, its not good but its way better than I've ever drawn before. Just learning off youtube and a drawing website, doing exercises for a bit and then drawing something to bring it together. I might buy a drawing pad and nice pencil to do some tradition drawing too. But yeah have been enjoying it so far. I might do art streams in the future and draw a lil character for my twitch hehe.

I hope you're doing well, N. I hope your new year has gone well and you're feeling good.

I'm so sorry I haven't talked in a while, N. I wanted to wait until I was in some sort of good place or heading in a good one but its not really working out that way too much. A few things have happened over the months. Though I am hoping for next year should be a bit better.

I'm so happy you had a good time in London, the Stranger Things play looked awesome and the stuff you got looks so cool. I love the bag and the plushie Demogorgon (? I'm sorry I didn't watch too much of stranger things, first season was awesome and I love Winona Ryder but Its so hard for me to get into shows lol, same with the Witcher I love it but haven't watched past the first season haha) You looked really beautiful in that black dress, and I also love your hair with the black its a nice change and twist on your usual look. I hope you kept it or have something similar because it really suits you. You tattoos too OMG they looks good, I really love the Cpt Rex ones, subtle and cute on the fingers (omg again another series I need to get back into hahaha I'm really bad with shows) the portraits look insane, although I haven't seen much of the show they are probably my favourite characters too. I just looked up the Jaig eyes and I love them so much more now, its really up my ally and something I would get done, they suit you more now. I'm looking into starting a large tattoo idea hopefully during next year. I want to get a torso tattoo from cyberpunk, the one with the snake and the ram head on the back. I want to start with the snake curling around my body then work from there. The fact that you got them done in one day is very deserving of the aussie coveted "Hard Cunt" status, on the shins and everything is insane, I'm really proud and impressed you could sit for the whole thing.

I'm happy you met someone but then also I'm sorry he kinda turned out to be only really there for one thing. Maybe things have changed by now? either way it sucks to have met someone and you think one intention and they're another. I'm also so sorry you were having troubles with your friend, the trip started so nicely I hoped it would end that way too. I hope you're in a better place with each other, maybe talked it out or at least got closure.

I want to reassure you that you don't have to talk about anything you don't feel fully comfortable with, so I'm glad you didn't force yourself with that. Whenever you're comfortable to talk I'll be here but I'm here regardless. I'm just sorry you were ever reminded of those things and hope that person isn't continuing to do so. (cause they'll catch these hands nah jk.... unless) I'm also sorry about the news with your grandmother, its definitely not the news I was hoping for and I really hope things a turning around.

I want to properly reassure you that you are important and you are significant. These posts are really important to me and I know it helps you get things off your chest. I understand the thoughts you have been having, and can relate to them too, I just want you to know I care about you and you're important to me. I know that can't take any of the bad thoughts of feelings away, as much as I would like that, I just want you to hear them and hope they can act against those thoughts in some way. Those thoughts aren't you, those thoughts aren't shaping you or the path you're going down, you are doing better ever year and I'm so proud of you for that. Being strong sucks sometimes and you know that more than a lot of people but its won't be forever I promise.

Thank you for your birthday wishes. I did have fun, even though birthdays don't really mean much to me these days lol. honestly just reminds me of time I'm wasting. But I tried to have fun and surprisingly did. Before I say what I did on my birthday day, I took my friends to go see Nightmare Before Christmas with a live symphony at the start of November and that was unbelievable and fantastic and amazing. Such a surreal experience, watching the movie and the music being right there, by people. I watched the orchestra more than the movie, which I hoped they appreciated. One of my favourite movies with the music live was a great experience. I then saw the new Wicked movie on my birthday day with my friends too, and that was surprisingly great! They really did translate the stage show to screen, both Cynthia Erivo and Ariana Grande did amazing and really sold the characters and their relationship. And the visuals were amazing, apparently a lot of it was real and they took a lot of the in set vocal takes too. We then went to fortress, which is a kinda of "nerd" bar, looks like a medieval tavern, they sell mead and stuff as well as good food and you can rent board games, play video games and do dnd sessions there too, they also have a really cool futuristic cyberpunk cocktail bar upstairs from the tavern which we went to aswell. I bought a shirt from them, senpais.jp did a collab with them so I got a really cool shirt from them, but I took it home at the end of the night and it turned out they gave me the wrong one, so I had to trek it all the way back to the city the next day to exchange it, which they almost didn't do they had to get a manager involved but he said it was ok to change, I had proof of purchase and everything. I also bought a lot of stuff I needed for myself. A bunch of shirts, some new black jeans, and new cologne Jean Paul Gautier Le Male Le Parfum, long name but its my favourite cologne lol oh and a nice green linen shirt too.

But then its kinda gone a lil down hill, a couple week ago, we found out my grandmother had passed away, heart attack. Which I'm glad it was quick and painless but sucks she's not around anymore, I feel really guilty not talking to her more or going to visit her more. We went to her town for her funeral, which we had two. A smaller close family one at the crematorium and one we had at a church that had sooo many people attend. She was very community driven and had a relationship with probably everyone in the town to some degree so it was great to see that. You would have liked her, she was a badass headstrong woman, and stayed very active and lucid up to the end. Going back to her town was very surreal. All the smells and sights were the same, well the sights mostly, the town has grown a lot. A lot of people go through there now so its developed a lot more. And her house was the same, but none of it had the soul anymore, all of it felt empty. We didn't stay super long, a few days, I took lots of pictures, mostly of nostalgic things, patterns in her house and things that were always around. Then my brother got me sick with a chest cold, how that happens in 35+ degree weather I have no idea. But its starting to go now just a bit phlegmy lol. I'm on the waiting list for some psychologists my doctor recommends. I've tried a couple recently and they've not been good, I got lied to about cost, was told one thing and ended up being charged almost double with no warning which sucks and we just didn't click so I'm trying again with someone else. I don't mind if its a little bit expensive just tell me that at the start not after I've been charged and have no control over it like what is that, especially after I was told a different amount. I told my doctor that and he was like ok I'm not going to recommend them anymore lol.

I'm hoping next year will be better, for both of us because we really need it. I really hope at least your new year is better and you can keep progressing. I hope you have a good christmas, and hope you get some good holiday time off too. Know that I'm thinking of you.

I'll talk to you soon,

E

I'll write a proper post soon.

Writing this quite early in the morning as I'm trying to fix my sleep. I hope it lasts for a while, I am at constant war with it haha. I finally got the all clear from my specialist this week, which has been a weight off my mind. It means I can finally go for physio to help relieve the strain, stiffness, and pain in my shoulder, chest, and neck. (I love a good oxford comma) In hindsight I could have gotten it sooner but I didn't want to risk any further injury without my specialist know what I was doing, in case there was an underlying issue. After another ultrasound he determined the surgery a success and hope to never see me again haha. Of course if something happens I go and see him again. And getting physio and stretching and all that is the next step. Sounded like all this prolonged pain from after the surgery has been scar tissue not properly healing and can alleviated. So thats what I'm onto next, I hope it helps. I'm gonna go get a new coat today, one thats a lil long and fitted, I've been trying to find one like it for a while so I hope its good. I also recently got a new keyboard, and it feels really good to type on and has a really nice sound to it. Also has vampire themed keys which is cool.

I hope you're doing well, N. I hope London was good. I hope you got a nice surprise and had fun, because you deserve it.

"The order call, we all will take more human wine,

Happy birthday, n! I hope you're having a great day and a much needed fun break.

(please ifnore my scratchy bad handwritting)

Hey N,

I'm sorry its been a while since I wrote, its just been same old same old from haha. I don't remember if I said but I've just been trying to heal, but have been running into many pitfalls. I went to my doctor and got some tests done and apparently I tore something in my shoulder, so that halted my healing even more. I have an appointment with my surgeon in july and thats really what I've been waiting for at this point. I'll be getting more tests done by him and hopefully I'll find more of a reason for why its been taking soo long to recover.

I hope you're doing well, its great to hear you're kicking arse at work, I hope this new promotion brings you more freedoms as well as more moneys, you truly deserve it. I know having a bit more responsibility seems scary but I know you'll be able to handle it, and it also sounds like you work with good people and have a good manager who understands too.

I know this time will be hard, and I hope you're taking time to look after yourself, you know basic things, eating right and sleeping. Though I know its hard. It sounds like you're doing something really nice today, I hope it brings you a little bit of peace and comfort but its ok if its something else. Give yourself some time and space to process.

I hope you had fun yesterday and got a good haircut, I bet you look beautiful like always. Ooo another tattoo sounds awesome, what are you getting or thinking? I hope you have fun in London (I always say 'london' in Nick Frost's accent from hot fuzz lol) sounds like your friend has it all figured out and will be a good surprise.

I'll try and write more, I've just been trying to do more stuff recently not to overwhelm myself but do somethings and build on that over the weeks so I can properly achieve some goals I have. I'm sorry again I haven't written in a while, I'm doing ok for the most part, I got back into Magic the Gathering, looking to play commander at a nerd bar thats in sydney but am shy haha. So thats something I work up to.

I hope your doing well today, and I hope you're taking time for yourself. I'll speak to you soon.

I'm sorry for not posting in a while. I've not been doing very much, just still recovering. Its been pretty annoying to be honest but its starting to get better. I thought it would be a lot faster, my doctor said only a couple months at most but its been way longer. I haven't been in as much pain recently though which is good, I no longer take pain killers all the time, its maybe once or twice a day if I feel it, some days feel better than others. I still feel the stitches which I was told would absorb after a couple months too so thats annoying lol, its making this small region across my chest really tight, like to the right of my neck along my collar bone, as thats where the muscle was cut through and reattached and all that. I'm able to workout a lil more though which is good, I haven't been able to move much for so long so its good to move more and get some muscle back. Not doing anything too intense as I don't want to risk tearing or anything. But the tightness is slowly going. Stretching is becoming easier too. I need to start walking more haha, I feel more lungs need more of a workout lately, which sounds weird but as they did stuff to my lung I need to get it back up to snuff lol. Been dealing with more pc issues can you believe it?! haha, its now just like turning off my displays and my IO becomes unresponsive but the computer is still on? Like all the lights and fans and everything, so I have to turn off the power supply and turn it back on again. So random too, just watching youtube or playing games does it, so its hard to reproduce. I've looked it up and it could be 2 things, either the motherboard is starting to die or something is shorting it out or the power supply is acting weird. So I ordered a new motherboard and if it continues then it must be the power supply. That means I should start streaming again soon, I've really been wanting to get back into it as its just something I see myself doing and I want to start doing things again, creative things and fun things moving things and all that.

I hope you've been doing ok and I hope your grandmother is doing ok too, N. I know you say you want 35+ days sometimes but please please I beg you, you do not hahaha I would kill to be able to wear clothes again and not sweat through anything I put in contact with my skin haha. Its been cooler down a lil recently but we still get a 35+ day every week or so. 38 on the 29th last day of summer is going out with a bang. Hopefully winter is cooler.

Its so good to hear you getting a promotion you really deserve so I hope you feel proud cause I do. Omg dealing with less customers sounds amazing too, they're the worst hahaha. I hope its been good and you've been able to acclimate to it well. I really understand when you say you feel Stuck, though I think you are being a bit harsh on yourself, I've to realise more and more as I age that time is kinda more and more irrelevant, what's more important is that we get there, we get to do the things we want and move towards our goals we set for ourselves, I really believe you will achieve them. Though I completely understand you. I hate that I'm still aging I feel like I haven't achieved anything, I keep thinking I wish I could go back to a teenager and start again, but who knows. I think getting out of your town is a good goal to have, I don't think you want to be there forever, I'm sure where you'd go but I think you'll try out a few places before settling properly, somewhere that is in more align with your values and offers you more opportunities. I really liked living closer to the city, I love further out but idk there's just something about walking around people and down alleys and finding random things, and also I things being close. Jeeez I miss just being able to walk to something, I have to train or bus to something I want to go to its so annoying hahaha. I really get you on the friends thing too, a lot of the people I grew up with are married and either have children or are in positions to now, its so surreal to see. I feel a roadblock as well. But idk I always feel like it will work out in the end, I just always have that tiny bit of hope that like nags me in the back of my mind like the adoring fan from Oblivion hahah. Always there to challenge my distorted thinking. Which is good I think. I think we always do things in the end, we never stagnate if that makes sense. But i feel like I'm rambling a bit, i just understand what you might be thinking right now as I feel similar. In my situation I get so much outside pressure from my family to do so much, even though I'm still recovering from a pretty major surgery, it kinda makes me feel like what I want to do isn't important and that I have to listen to them even though they don't seem to understand it. I feel like my best friend understands me the most right now and you of course. Both of which I'm grateful.

Chonky's been good she had her adoption day on the 12th of January, for which I give her some raw meat in the shape of a heart, I also do the same for Valentine's day.

Also Catfish and the Bottlemen are coming back and I'm so excited for the new album, its just Benji and Van at the moment but I have my hopes for the new stuff haha.

"I think you're crazy, baby

I will see you in the next life

Merry Christmas, N. I hope you have a good day, I hope you're surrounded by good people, can relax, and get good presents. I hope the new year brings you love and joy you so desperately deserve, and you can leave this year behind properly where it belongs, not forgotten but as it should be. I fed Chonky a special Christmas dinner of with some of her favourite treats and now she's in a Christmas coma haha.

Thank you for your last message and that it was hand written was really special. I've been pretty up and down for a few weeks so I apologise for now messages. I spent a week in hospital from the 21st to the 28th. After that it was just specialist to specialist and it's only now started to calm down. Surgery and everything went well, surgery was only about 4 hours, the last time I remember seeing was around 830am then the next was about 1230pm. I was in soo much pain when I woke up, I could barely take full breaths, partly the pain but also i had a drain put under my lung. They had to move my lung to get at my rib so when they do that it removes the vacuum seal your lung has, so to make sure no air gets trapped they put a tube there and hook it up to a Lil like "underwater" thing, and it kinda pulls air out that would be trapped. That's why I was in for so long, after a couple days they clamped the tube, so my lung had time to do its thing on its own, and I went for X-rays and there was air forming so I had to just keep it in for longer. Got the last X-rays a few days later and it was clear to be removed. It was one of the weirdest sensations I've ever felt, didn't hurt but I could feel it move from inside to out, wasn't that long though so it was very quick pull. For the first couple days the pain was so rough, I was on a fentanyl drip that I was pushing every so often. But on it I was soo nauseous, I couldn't eat for like 2-3 days, so they got the pain doctor in, that's what they called her and she introduced herself as haha, and she said I could go on topentadol tablets, which was so much better, wimilar opioid but slower release so I could actual eat. After that I was fine. Just started to go stir crazy because the only reason I was there was because I was waiting for the drain haha. I went through 4 roomates, I didn't get a private room but being g a public hospital I didn't care, well until the LOUDEST snorer I have EVER heard stayed with me for one night oh my God I could not sleep at all with him there, the first lady was fine just ate with her mouth open a bit but my earbuds took care of that, but this guy, this guy snored while awake, j felt bad for him, a bit. I think he was there for surgery on his sinuses so I hope he got that. Afterwards I got home slowly started recovering, the swelling on my scar went down but now I can feel the internal stitches, so there's nothing on top just a scar line about maybe 10cm from where my collar bone meets my neck then up the neck line. Also have like a bullet hole looking one just under where the drain was in. The stitches will slowly dissolve but I feel lots of them in there, I think they had to go through the muscle so that probably has to do with how many there are and the stiffness I feel in my shoulder and chest. I've got most of my movement back but I can only move my neck to the right and a Lil bit to the left till I feel the pull from them. Chonky missed me soooo much, would not leave me out of her sight for over a week and still meows for me if I'm not looking at her, I missed her probably more to be honest. I told her I'd only be gone for a couple days then it suddenly turned to a week she was so confused.

Summer here has been a nightmare, we've had a few 40c+ days and most of it is 30-35c+ but we've also been hit with like random weeks of storms that drop to 20 or so, so my body has given up and I have a cold now hahaha, which sucks cuase it hurts to cough sometimes, but good it's a little bit over that first few weeks of recovery. I hope it's nice and cold for you, maybe snow and you're all cuddly and warm.

I hope you're doing well

I'm thinking you're either at comic con or getting ready to go, either way I hope you have a lot of fun and that it takes your mind off of things, because you deserve to have a lil break. I'm so glad you got to surprise your friend with something spontaneous, but I'm sad you had to call off something else due to work. I hope you have fun in Wales, I've never been to a convention or comic con or anything like that yet, I really want to go. We have something called Supernova here (not sure if its anywhere else) and its pretty much comic con but legally distinct haha. I know it must of been hard on the 8th of Oct, it sounded really beautiful the way you spent it though, with all his favourite things. I absolutely love Monty Pythons too, its how my dad and I bond too, constantly making Holy Grail references and everything. I'm really glad you've started counselling too, I hope its going well, it can be really useful. You've been doing really well recently even if you think you haven't, things have been intense and its understandable to feel stressed or overwhelmed, but you're taking the right steps to help you out.

I've finished with the band stuff, had my last gig on the 11th. It went fine, but turned into a single launch last minute which was weird but didn't change much lol. I realise I never told you the band's name, or maybe I did but any its Billy Puntton and the Mental Health Plan, its a mouthful lol. We had a few songs out now on Spotify and youtube. I'm both glad its over and not, it was the only thing I kinda had going, but it wasn't something I liked in the end so its a weird feeling but at the same time I do feel like a weight is off my shoulders, I don't have to worry about it and spending so much money going into the city for practices and gigs, cause it would cost so much.

I'm near the end of my health stuff, blood work was all fine, and now I'm going in for surgery on the 21st, a couple days before my birthday. This will be a small surgery to take a piece, like a wedge, out of my first rib near my sternum to free up some space for my vein and artery to sit, which should fix outlet syndrome. It will be a day surgery too so I shouldn't be in for very long, maybe a day for observations. Then hopefully I can get on with my life haha. Its been just waiting and not being able to do anything, and more waiting recently and its driving me insane. I should be able to get training early next year for a new job and that should help too. I'm not going to make any promises but I hope to get back to streaming soon, hopefully after surgery but it should be around 9-10pm start. I have done some more upgrading and have finished my pc for hopefully a few years haha.

I haven't had much else going I'm afraid so this isn't a very long post. But I hope to have more to say next time. I hope you're doing well N.

I'm sorry for the lack of posts, I've been working on some things, getting tests and just waiting. I'll be able to get some training for a new job my friends do, and that will lead to an actual career, but I have to wait for the course to open up or a two day course that only comes from inside the place, and I'm just waiting for test results for my blood work which should be the start of next month, but then more waiting to see about surgery after that and ugh haha. Just waiting. But at least there's something at the end. Been thinking of starting stream back up since Cyberpunk update and dlc is coming out, update arleady came out and its great, suuuch a good update, but I can't use my facecam for it anymore haha, the update too beafy. Might get a new cpu soon, they're on special at the moment. I'm going to a gig in canberra tomorrow, its going to be one of my last gigs in the band I've decided. This year will be the last, just not what I want anymore been really fun but I've just moved on I guess. We have another gig next Saturday and after that one I'll say something because then we have one last one in november so it will be a big enough gap to say something and leave properly. Chonky's doing good, had a lil upset tummy the other week which was scary, she just wasn't acting herself and being very lethargic, throwing up, almost took her to the vet but she came back around and I was so grateful. Now she's just fine.

Its so great to hear you had a good time at joji and london, I thought you would. I think you deserve it after everything. Flying is such a nightmare, I'm glad you had a weird but great time haha. Having actual food on a plane, I never thought that was possible, I've only ever had like microwave package food or nothing haha. I've only been on like 2 planes though so. You at a goth club is so fitting to me idk why, and I'm glad you met some people to hang with too. That video is so cool and intense. He really puts on a show, having skits and everything, sounds very him tbh haha.

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandma. I have no words, it fucking sucks I hope everything goes ok, Its beautiful to hear your grandparents were together for so long though, very bittersweet. I hate to think of the worst but you will be strong enough to go through anything, you've proven yourself to that. You shouldn't have to of course. I get you with feeling stuck where you are though, and your town being shit. It might not be shit but you've out grown it, I felt the same coming back here too. I'm sure the people around you aren't avoiding you at all, being busy is something hard to deal with and keep up with people. I'm stupid and guilty of it too haha. Just be with her as much as you can, it will be enough and you will be enough.

I'm sorry this is a bit of a short one, I don't have much to say tbh, like I said I'm just waiting around. Its a bit frustrating but its all I really can do. I'll try and start stream up again, I really really want to get back into it, don't know what is blocking me with it. But I'll get through it.

I hope you're doing well, N. I'll write again soon.

I apologise for not posting in a while, I've been dealing with massive migraines for a bout a month or so. But I have found the culprit and have fixed the problem, I'm feeling much better now. I should be able to get back to streaming soon too, with better equipment/quality. I realised too late that my second monitor had been going on 10 years now so it was giving out this high pitched signal, I just thought it was my mild tinnitus. My tinnitus was being compounded on, giving me massive headaches and making me feel just crap all the time, turning off the monitor would even help too, I would have to completely disconnect all the cables for it to stop, which is just inconvenient. I thought I was going crazy for a while just hearing this tone constantly in my room, but thinking it was just my tinnitus. But my tinnitus isn't that bad, just the usual you'd get from listen to live music constantly and working with audio in general. So its calmed down a lot recently too. So I realised it was my second monitor and got rid of it, got a new one (pretty much the same as my main one just smaller, same refresh rate same brand and even same product line, only difference is panel, main is IPS and 2nd is now VA, idk really know the difference lol) so it looks a lot better and I'm really happy with it. It feels just like having one massive monitor, I don't think I would get a wide screen monitor I like having two separate ones, but they feel so similar neither is better, obviously main is a few inches bigger though. During this time though I hadn't felt like doing anything, not going on tumblr just kinda rotting away with my head exploding. I have been doing my Dr appointments though and only have a couple left, I need blood tests and then hear back from the Lung specialist about my echocardiogram (just to make sure my heart is ok after everything) and then its back to the surgeon for talks of surgery to finish everything. Its finally getting there and I can move on with my life. My arm still keeps me up at night and hurts constantly but after surgery it should be good, also I am going to ask if I can keep the piece of my rib they cut out haha, surely they can't say no, its literally me and mine hahaha. I'm going for blood tests tomorrow, hopefully, or at least to be able to get an appointment for it, then off to hematologist then surgeon.

I'm sorry I was gone, I've still been here reading your posts though. The service looked lovely, the bikers showing up was really touching and exactly what I thought would happen, they stick together. The flowers looked beautiful and also your nails. I understand it was hard, It would be weird if it wasn't you know, I understand that it sits heavy with you too, you will get stronger with it. I know there is much else to do now other than process and sometimes that feels worse than having to deal with things because at least there's something to do, but this is finally time for you to process and feel and become you. But I know thats not easy, and thats ok. It reminds me of something someone told me a lil bit ago, "A cut in a tree doesn't prevent it from growing, a cut in a tree doesn't grow larger or shrink, the tree becomes larger though. The tree continues to grow regardless. The tree grows until and you realise that the cut looks smaller in comparison, it isn't smaller, but the tree is larger" and I try and think about that sometimes because its easy to let things consume you, let things grow larger than you and before you realise it. But everyday you're growing, everyday that tree is getting larger and stronger, and in comparison the cut gets smaller and smaller. Don't let bad days turn you off that, and don't forget the good times.

I really hope you have fun in London next week, thats soo awesome you're seeing Joji, I would love to see him one day. Been a fan of him since his FilthyFrank days and legit thought he was so talented as a musician and that he was hiding it under so many layers of irony haha. Now he's like one of the biggest muscians in the world which is crazy.

I'm sorry you're not feeling well, I hope you get better soon, take time to relax and hydrate properly. I look forward to you streaming, even if its just once it will be so fun! Don't put too much pressure on not being able to right now, getting better is more important.

N, I hope today isn’t as hard as it is in your head. I hope you’ve gotten enough sleep to feel like you can move around and not feel sluggish. I know it will be hard emotionally and mentally, but I hope not too physically. You will be surrounded by people who love you, who care for you, and you have to let that in. I know its hard, believe I know. But you will let it in, maybe not today or tomorrow but you will. We can’t go back, as much as we want to, we have to keep going forward. Thats not meant to really comfort you, what is is that all those memories you have, all the time spent together, all the care between you, the good, the bad, the neutral. It will never go away, no one can take it away from you. What you do for comfort is never bad, or negative. Only certain things, like numbing yourself with certain things, you know what I mean. But I don’t believe you’ll do that, if my words and simple presence, even in a live stream (should streaming again tomorrow same time don’t feel pressure to talk or even be there if you don’t feel it), bring you comfort than thats good. If an old teddy your stepmum had brings you comfort than thats good, let yourself feel. And no its not stupid nor childish, I think its quite sane. You don’t need to respond to my post in any time limit or anything, please take your time. I’ll be here. I hope everything today go without anything getting in the way, I want you to be able to process properly. Just remember to breathe. If everything else is wrong, just breathe. Something so simple and seemingly easy can ground us and pull us back into our bodies, it reminds us that the people we lose are never gone, we breathe and bring them with us. 

I hope all this comes across as more comforting than dark realism. I just want you to know that you’re not alone, not alone at all. I can’t imagine what its like to lose a parent, and I hope not for a while at least. But that doesn’t mean I can’t listen and be there in any way. I wish I could sit with you, I know how hard it will be but you will get through, you shouldn’t have to be in it to begin with but you will get through it, believe me. 

That picture is beautiful, it captures so much love and care. And that ring is pretty awesome too. I bet it looks great on you, even around your neck. He had great taste in music, and chose well. 

I will think of you, I’ll hold you in close...