The word-putter-togetherer

I know how it feels

To be nobody’s favourite

Maybe I’m a friend

To some even a confidant

I’m fine with my role

I’ve come to love it

No expectations

A stark lack of affection

I’m fine

I’m fine

I’m fine with it

I’m trying to convince myself

That being alone is best

There are things I miss

The warmth of a hug

Tingly feeling of kissing

I’m trying to convince myself

That I don’t need it all

I’m totally fine

I’m fine with it

I’m nobody’s favourite

I’m nobody at all

But I’m somebody to me

I’m me

And I’m lonely

the shame - how did I miss this?

how did I let this happen?

things have flipped so drastically

but at the same time...

nothing about who I am has changed.

I am who I've always been

only....

I hate her a bit less.

the framework around me has turned upside down

but I am still me.

I realise it all looks better this way

it's calm. it's home.

In the glistening dark over screams a song unfurls out of nothing and nowhere

that sounds as though it was crafted by time itself as it dictates our heartbeats.

Raw, right then, never sung again. I discover it as if I was there wide awake that night,

thrust into a real world I could believe in. I listen and time is not distance

traversed on train tracks, time makes me new like the melody woven on the spot. Spiders’ silk,

mulberry spinning, the screams throwing out the PA imprint on me how what passes,

am scared

What I can tell you is there are people, like me, like our mutual friends, who love you for who you are, and done expect any particular version of you.

to live my life at last

tired of safe, careful,

shrink, hide, quieten...

I want to shout

I'm not dead,

not even a living death,

and you know what?

believe it or not folks

I can be capable of playing it safe

while still holding out my hand

to someone who deserves the help.

don't worry, I'm not the girl you think I am

or the girl that pretty much anyone

thinks I am.

even if you think you're close...

you might be, but you still don't know

the things I am capable of,

the strength I keep stored for emergencies

and the knowledge that

my naive cutesy crushing

is only the top layer.

beneath it lies a guardian force

constantly assessing,

always looking at every angle,

just in case.

I may be smol in height

with a baby face

but I am so much more than you know.

power runs through my veins

that no one can ever take from me

and many have tried... and failed.

I cannot

and will not

"when dad says get up you get the fuck up okay?"

there's hunners of smashed tatties outside my house for some reason

but it's only because

it's just too hard not to.

i am a graceful nymph

when i am empty;

hollow bones and ethereal light.

i am a true goddess

until the hot winds blow