miketernet

Cereal commercials are interesting because they depict children keeping cereal away from animals as if these cereals are precious commodities. It really makes the cereals seem a lot more delicious than they actually are. As a consumer, would you really want to eat something that a random animal wanted to eat? I mean, animals will eat garbage if they have access to it. 

Animals probably don't experience taste the same way we do, a lot of animals clean their own butt with their tongue. Are they the best spokesperson for this particular meal?

On that note, we can't take the Cheerios bee's word on it, because his tastebuds are on his feet. Besides he really just wants the honey, which by the way is bee vomit so, there's that.

You can't trust Snap Crackle and Pop because they are just anthropomorphic Rice Krispies, and thus are condoning the canibbalism of their own species. Same with the Mini Wheats guy. That song is catchy though. You won't lure me in with your siren song, anthropomorphic Mini Wheat with gloves and shoes.

You can’t trust the Sugar Crisp bear because he is clearly high and is a bear and that dangerous combination means he will EAT anything. 

You can't trust Tony the Tiger, his only review is “They're great.” Tigers are endangered. They'll say anything if it means they won't get poached.

We definitely can't trust the Lucky Charms leprechaun because it's a goddamn leprechaun. Leprechaun's are tricksters. Tricking you is kind of their thing.

I would only eat corn flakes, because the mascot is a mute rooster that does nothing to convince you. Just sitting there behind the bowl, it doesn't care if you want any Corn Flakes. I admire his stoic confidence. The Corn Flakes rooster doesn't reek of desperation like everyone else.

People are really into life hacks these days, simple tricks to make your life easier or more convenient.  Like, for example, sticking your finger in your throat is kind of a life hack for barfing.

One thing that there isn’t a life hack for is coming up with life hacks. That has to be done the old fashioned way: by sitting around and waiting until your brain births a slimy litter of ideas. 

Thankfully for you, I did that. Here are a few life hacks that I have created to help you drift towards death just a little quicker.

Don’t to eat cake while you are on the go? Bake a cake in the shape of a baby, and then put it in a baby bjorn. People will think you are kissing the back of the baby’s head but you are actually taking little nibbles.

Have a sandwich but your hands are full? Put it in a harmonica brace.

Wanna get rich quick? Be born into a life of wealth, opulence and entitlement.

Feeling anxiety being around people at a party? Pretend to text on your phone in the corner, you will appear more popular without having to interact with people in real life! You’re truly gaming the system.

Feeling like a social outcast? Make that a fundamental part of your identity and so now everyone else is the problem, not you!

Do you ever find yourself at a concert for your favorite band, but sad that the performance sounds too good, and isn’t blurry or shaky enough? Record the entire thing on your cellphone!

Don’t want to get up to go to the bathroom? Become one of those “men that pretend they are babies” and wear a diaper, you can shit yourself on the reg.

Want to not feel a profound sense of guilt at your grandparents’ funeral? Maybe send them a letter or phone them occasionally, they won’t be around forever.

As with most blogs, I want to ensure that the first post maintains a sense of personal astonishment that I would even do such a thing, like I can't believe that I have a blog you guys, and also I don't know what could possibly start this thing off so I will just write about how I don't know how to possibly start this thing off, and also establish that I don't really have any issues with abusing run-on sentences. 

I won't, however, include a specific sense of purpose for this blog, except that I will write something in it occasionally. It's not going to be one of those things where I have to do something 365 days a year as some sort of personal "project" (there will be no daily reinterpretation of Pokemon here). And if I somehow forget to update it, I will ensure that I will write a post mentioning how long it has been since I updated it.