Proficiendum est evolvere

You're a warlike personality; But is it victory you seek? Are you long lost lovers? Will you rejoice at their death? Do you find there's honour, in another one's despair? What's the value of life? And is it more than death? Do you fight for your country? Or just a lost warrior spirit? Do you find there's pain in waiting? Do you believe in heaven? And believe in godly salvation? Do you believe in furtive love? Do you believe in freedom?

So how exactly do you treat your enemies? Do you slander them until they can’t fight, With twisted words and a forked tongue? Taking an upward step, rung by rung, And now I’ll just wait here, Waiting for my retribution. I’ll then return to my solitude, Get away from you and your attitude. You’re just another failed experiment, I am just another mental creator.

It’s been sixteen months since you walked out alone,   It’s been sixteen months since you picked up the phone.   I though that you would be my forever bride,   If you had just shared that you didn’t smile as much as you sighed,   Then maybe there was still a chance of restoring your pride! Restore your pride! Restore your pride! Restore your. . . . . .

And so I clear my throat, Start to remember the line. People look towards the light, Some will be blinded, others will strive, To find the path that’s meant for them to follow, But few will be able to absorb it, And fewer will make it their own! I’m alone but I’m stable, I’m incapable but I’m able, I’m blinded but I’m equally astounded, I’m relieved but I’m believed. No, you’re not dreaming? Yes, dreaming is the better word. I couldn’t move but yet you said, That there’s no need for you to try, And run away, my darling. But I’m afraid I have one last thing to ask you! I am alone but I am stable, I’m incapable but I am able, I am blinded but I’m equally astounded, I’m relieved but I’m believed. You don’t know anything yet Please let me ask this of you. Go to my house, you have the address. Get my notes, my diaries and learn from them. There was a noise but no sight of you. Find them, darling, find them! I’m alone and incapable, I’m blinded and unstable, I’m equally astounded, yet totally confounded, And I’m anxious and relieved, It takes everything to be believed. I’m dying from all the lying, Distracted from all the feeling, No coming back, no matter the healing, So relaxed and so wound up, So confused and so made up, The ending is everything, The ending is everything, I just haven’t written it yet. I just haven’t written it.

You went swimming through my head again,   And I promise it’s not because I’m insane,   I had to drown to get you,   I had to die to find you.   Yet you’re so fucking far away,   Doing backstroke in my dreams all day. Doing butterflies in my stomach all day. Going diving in my mind all day. Pick something from the seabed darling. Pick something from the seabed.

You stand there and question. You’re an unwelcome distraction. You wait and you ask me, For heartbreaking poetry, But it’s better when spoken, And your children have woken. To hear all your spite and lies, Your falsehoods and wailing cries. They’re timid and singular, Yet comfortable and sinister. You made me the man who fell, Still stuck in his broken shell. Unable to comprehend, Can’t say that I’m on the mend. Are things better if broken? Or a justifiable token? Can I still save myself? Or just resign to the shelf? I’m angry and incomplete, Yet happy and bittersweet.

Is it happening again? Am I going insane? “Just let it pass by.” They say, “Why is it that you cry?” They say, It’s not in my control. And it’s beyond your comprehension, You can’t understand the tension, Of getting out of bed, All the emotion in my head. It’s filling and crazy, Many will call me lazy. I made up the fact there’s something wrong? I’ve had this illness for so long. It’s lasting and inciting, It never made my life exciting. It’s a never-ending battle, Like herding highland cattle. You can hike for miles to find one thing, You can travel the world and find nothing. It’s amazing and regressing, Some say it’s amazing, That I’ve gone this long, Eighteen years ain’t no swan song. And to this day my brain feels lame, Am I going insane? Is there a way to avoid this pain? Should I dance out in the rain? Be constantly drunk on champagne, To take away this sham pain? Is it just the left and right sides of my brain? Or am I really just insane?

Pictures are just trapped memories, That we frame and display, So we can keep living in reverie. A captured sunny day, Held prisoner by the taker, Unable to escape.   Those still and silent times, Days of sun, rain and cloud. Have you paid for your crimes? A line-up of peers their judgement so loud, Held prisoner by the taker, Unable to escape.   In this consumerist timeline, Memories, photos and still life drawings, They all appear just fine, High resolution, high def, boring. Held prisoner by the taker, Unable to escape.   Is it the knowledge that you fear? That ripe, golden low hanging fruit, Is this another thing you can’t go near? Can’t tie your own noose? Held prisoner by the taker, And not freed or let loose.

My lovers eyes, as green as fresh laid grass Her skin remains youthful and soft as silk, Her stature, small. Attitude, measured sass. Lips, crimson pillows floating on fresh milk. Her brown almost black hair falls to her waist, A smile to start wars, yet will answer my call, Oh how I've prayed that her corset is laced, I fear this feeling may be my downfall, She will lie on my chaise and request grapes, I will gladly serve her in the next life. Now a tragedy lies beyond this drape. It's a huge mistake, a hand held a knife. She's now lying on the cold bathroom floor, The bruises now purple, the cuts still raw.

The last time was over a decade ago, It’s not like I carry around the history of Jericho. I’ve never felt like that time since, How many people do I need to convince? I would rather sacrifice myself to a fake god, Then pretend that I’m the best she's got. Why am I still left out in the dark? Did I do something to deserve a black mark? Is there some karma left unbalanced? Another task presents a challenge? I would rather sacrifice myself to a fake god, Then pretend that I’m the best she's got.

Sometimes, you can struggle with the words. Only because you realise that they hurt. Those three lost little words. They carry pain, loss and resentment. That doesn’t change my temperament. Some will likely call me jealous, Maybe a little over-zealous, But I’ll just call them heinous. They’ll retort that I am brainless. Then just realise I’m heartless! You don’t know the tale, The successes and the fails. Do you have a minute, To hear that I am lonely? Will you just turn and call me lovely? You don’t know the half of it. The falsehoods and the bullshit. I feel better in this numbness, Than any amount of human closeness. You sowed the sow to deceive, Enough for me to believe, To turn around and fucking leave.

The woman who I’ll make my wife, Will understand about my life, That sometimes it is filled with strife, My mind will balance on a knife, But she will know I’m no lowlife. This man that I have now become, Now looks upon his grandson, He whispers to him words once sung, “It’s ok to be only one, my son, Because there is someone for everyone.” This man I am, sits on a throne, Knowing no-one will ever end up alone.