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Okay, so, exam season is upon me again and lo and behold, the two first ones went sort of shitty (my own fault mostly) but that’s not what’s fucking me up rn.

So I planning to meet up with my friend just to chat a bit before the exam, but I forgot my student ID at home and had to go back which meant that there wasn’t time to meet up, so I suggested that we’d meet up after instead bc I gen like my friend yk, and I want to appreciate her, and she was like yes!! Let’s do that!!

The thing is I have extra time for all my exams, but she doesn’t, which I did not know, so while I was still in the exam room not having access to my phone she wrote to me and was like wya and she waited 35 MINUTES and my extra time was 45 min and she wrote like “I am going now” in that very sort of frustrated sounding way and I feel so fucking bad about it

Ofc it was sort of out of my hands but still, like, I feel like such a bad friend.

Not only that, she has a sort of unique name and I was very tired one day in the lab and I accidentally called her by a more common name and didn’t realise it before later and just. Like what kind of fuckign friend does that and I just feel like I’ve failed as a friend.

She asked if I wanted to meet up and study for the next exam and ofc I said yes bc I want to yk but ah… I just feel like the worst person in the world

I feel like I’m never 100% a good friend, which isn’t on purpose at all, I love my friends which is why I feel so fucking bad about it. Like why can’t I just be a good friend who remembers these sort of things and doesn’t say stuff wrong which hurts people and I just want to be a person someone genuinely likes, because yk I feel that my friends do like me sort of but when I make so many mistakes I’m just wondering when they’ll get tired of me AND I DO TRY to be mindful and GOOD but

- failed my 2nd attempt for two out of three exams

- not really feeling the long distance + I’m super busy this year (didn’t think of that when I asked), so now I kinda want to break up or whatever it would be with the forementioned guy

- this new guy I met through a friend like a month or something ago wrote to me that he likes me and wants to go on a date and I do not know how to fuckinh respond to that rn <- edit, has been addressed, awaiting further response

On the way back though, I was chatting with my friend (who also had his bike) and I was in a good mood yk and we were crossing this road where there usually weren’t many cars, but today there was one coming, and my friend was like “oh I’ll just wait for him to pass before crossing” (we were going separate ways from there) and I wa smile “tch, I can cross the road before the car comes” yk, so I just roll right over right, and he just HONKS at me, which is SO FAIR because honestly, there wasn’t that much sove between him and me yk he was speeding if you ask me

Anyways, I got the the other side unscathed and feeling pretty shitty already bc I know I did something wrong, and then the man comes up beside me in his car, rolls his window down and is like “excuse me but what the hell fo you think you’re doing” and I just felt my stomach sink yk, and I said something along the lines of sry didn’t see you (even though I did…) and just… I feel really fucking shitty rn

Nothing serious happened, he got a scare and I learned a lesson but jeez… I had plans and all sorts of things today but I just feel so down about this, so yeah

Was out shopping for shoes today, some Edwardian inspired ones, and accidentally told the lady at the vintage shop that I really liked pride and prejudice… which was set in the 1810’s and not the 1890’s (Edwardian) and I JUST KNEW I said it wrong when she sort of got quiet and didn’t say anything bc she knows her shit fashion wise and now I’m a joke in the personnel room FFFF—

Also, one of my good friends work there and she’s like a really big fan and it’s also through her I’m vying the shoes bc she gets 50% off and the fact that I did this just embarrassed me so so much more than fathomable

I’m so excited!! But I honestly can’t feel the excitement at the moment

My mom DOES NOT LIKE that I’m moving to the other side of the country, she has said that and expressed it in many ways so I KNOW that she doesn’t like it, but to continually make comments about me not being able to do it and most likely failing my courses is too fucking far, like WE HAVENT EVEN STARTED YET! And yeah, chemistry wasn’t my favourite subject in school and I hate org chem with a burning passion, but that doesn’t mean that I can’t learn it and get better at it yk… also bc my brother failed his last org chem exam and now has to take another one and it’s like both my parents are reflecting that on me as well >:( it’s not fair

I can’t find the little pouch for my glasses. Not the hard case or wtv, the pouch. And I want to just… not. I have a long work day tmrw starting EARLY but the thought of sleep and not distracting myself w fanfics is terrifying

I’m making a recap for myself brb

Started and finished last year of high school

Got everything between F and A on my exams💀

Went to Rome w my class, super fun!

Participated in the school musical, just as fun! Worked on set design🎨👩‍🎨

Got braces???😬

Got said braces off after almost two years and a surgery

Went on a science camp!! Reallyyyy fun, met a lot of super cool and passionate people that I don’t have contact with anymore but still inspire me

Brewed beer at school (fully allowed)

Concerts a-plenty: Coldplay, Ashnikko, Almost Monday, Tyler the Creator (HM that didn’t happen😔: Meghan Thee Stallion, Childish Gambino, Joost Klein)

Went to all sorts of parties, birthdays, and hang-outs!! Looking back really do have a lot of amazing friends and I’m so grateful that they’ve hosted all these fun get-together✨ hosted some of my own as well👀

Been to the cinema more than 20 times, if I’ve documented everything properly…

Travelled!! Been many places here at home, but also went out and about to France, Belgium, Italy, and Japan!! Incredible experiences✨

Got myself a proper grown-up job?? Making money?? Being able to buy things again after emptying my pockets on the Japan trip?? Das v noice😝

Went on solo trips to the Big Cities here at home, just being an ✨independent woman✨

Got a vinyl player and some kewl vinyls — I love 70s and 80s music so this is a highlight imo🙏🙏

Got glasses!! I don’t reallllyyyy need them but they’ve been helped so much w the small problems that I DO have with my eyes😵‍💫

Had a crush, asked the crush if he wanted to date (first time doing this my friends, ya girl was SCARED), got rejected, found out he did like me just didn’t have time at the moment, decided just to be friends

Actually, I’ve had a lot of flirting experiences these last years now that I think about it… interesting

Had so many ups and downs that I don’t even want to talk about it

Safe to say it’s been a rollercoaster through and through, and I’m excited to see where everything is headed next… just have to get over this gosh darn waiting period that has me tweaking

And it fucking sucks bc since last July I’ve been telling people about my study choices being like “I do t have the grades for this so I’m applying to this one instea- wait no, I’m applying for this one bc I don’t actually don’t have the grades for tha- oh wait, I do have the grades for this omg!.. but there’s only .4 between me and this so idk…” just complete chaos and I feel like such a disappointment bc of it

Responses will come July 28th, so like in 8 days, and I’ll probably spend the period feeling like shit… and that’s not all of it

I’m currently working in hospitality where I bike between ye olde folks who need help w things but aren’t in the “retirement home”-stage yet, bc I don’t have my drivers license yet (the fuckers are on holiday those bitches like LET ME TAKE THE FORKING TEST) and I was just checking the weather forecast… 35mm of fucking rain on a day where I’m out and about and yeah, it’s a short shift, but I still have to deal with this

I just can’t help but regret it and it makes me so fucking angry and upset..

Shitty fucking day that’s for sure, ‘cause my period also started so I’ve had cramps all day and sugar cravings.

But like, this was so on a whim and I’d been spending mad money this year because I didn’t think I’d be going on a big trip yk???? This ain’t good y’all