Midnight Merciful

To remain silent

To not complain

To not despair to others.

No good will come

From the complaints that I speak.

Let them stay in my head

Quiet and alone.

From silence I came

Will I say with honour

Lord only you see me now

اللّٰهُ حَاضِرِي

اللّٰهُ نَاظِرِي

That it's only the darkness of the night

And the stars that accompany it

How can I say that I'm a slave of God when I did the thing he explicitly told me not to do.

When someone finds the answer please come and tell me.

Honest to God, I'm not doing anything worth noting.

I went to bed with wudu and I prayed the morning dua.

I did not, in anyway, do something that is written in books as going down in history.

But by Allah I feel like we're friends.

Me and you Allah.

Is this me being delusional.

Have the sins that bind my heart became so thick it clouds perception of myself.

Lord I require clearness.

Lord I yearn for closeness

That's inevitable

Are we not promised

The ease will come following the pain

But will I be pleased with myself

Once the hardship has lifted

And the clouds have cleared

Will I be able to live with the actions I did

God knew we would destroy ourselves in this insanity of love.

If we loved, and we were drunk on it, and we were obsessed with another person, we would lose ourselves.

Because that sort of Love should only be intended for Allah.

So he gave us a standard by which to love.

And we are told the peak and the best way to love is love for the sake of God.

For that is the purest form of love, fulfilling life's purpose by making yourself happy and pleasing God.

For even this thing that is solely for your benefit, it's not a form of worship, objectively, has become a way to Jannah.

Not feeling

Not really hurting

Not yearning

Just floating

Almost numb

Sometimes numb to the point of death

Oo what I would give to feel

To hurt, to cry.

To feel something.

Watch yourself