Midnight Merciful

I'm coming to you again

Because I know you'll listen

Please help me

God I haven't asked you in a long time

I haven't with my heart, with my soul

Asked you

Begged you

Beseeched you

In a long time.

Did I lose faith

Did I lose hope

Did I just forget I could ask you and that you would respond.

God here I am now.

Please please please grant it me

Please

If it's right for me

If it's good for me.

Because you're the one who said

I don't just want to be your friend

That means my spouse rizq

The love in my life rizq

My success rizq

My happiness rizq.

It all exists

Its just not all reached me yet.

My Rizq is with God

I've messed up so bad.

And I keep messing up

And I don't even know

How hard my heart has become

Shower me in your mercy

So I may come out of this hole I dug myself into

I want to be a good believer

I want to be a person who at the end of the day is secure in that he has pleased his Lord.

I so want to be in love with you.

I want to be one of those who your pleased with

I want to be one of those who follow your Prophet.

I so want to be his follower

But I keep failing

I keep failing

I fall

And I fail over and over again.

And my heart breaks over and over

Knowing that I disappointed you again

It's the thought of the grave,

That reminds me to pray my Surah Mulk.

In the hopes it will protect me from the punishment.

It's the thought of standing in the plains,

That corrects my standing in Salah.

In the hopes that my standing is accepted and is correct in the plains as well.

It's the thought of the Prophet ﷺ pleading for intercession,

That reminds me to send salawat on him

In the hopes he remembers me on that day.

It's the thought of the scales,

That reminds me to pray سُبْحَانَ ٱللّٰهِ وَبِحَمْدِهِ، سُبْحَانَ ٱللّٰهِ ٱلْعَظِيمِ.

In the hopes that the scales tip to the good side.

It's the thought of the Prophet ﷺ and his blessed water,

That reminds me to do wudu correctly.

So I'm recognised as part of his Ummah.

It's the thought of the bridge

That reminds me to stay steady in this world

In the hopes I am steady on the bridge in that world.

It's the thought of Jahanam

That reminds me to try

In the hopes that he will have mercy and protect me.

It's the thought of Jannah

That reminds me to try

That you forget

That his Love for you

Supercedes any difficulty you experience

That he loves you

More than you love yourself

That he is Al Wadud

And that what he has written for you

Is beyond what you could ever imagine.

Rejoice in the knowledge

My chest is tight

My head overtaken my grief

By sorrow

By worry over the future

By the uncertainty

By the delay

Allah I won't pretend to understand

You are the All Knowing and you love me

Just sat here

Knowing I can do nothing

You see me

You hear me

You are with me

Be enough for me

My hearts not been this sad in a long time.

It's so easy to say "have trust".

"Have faith"

"Trust in God's plan".

Yet it is not an easy task

It's not easy to put your feelings aside and your rationale and leave it to God.

But it was never meant to be easy.

If it was so easy it wouldn't be a test.

So I ask God to give me the ability and I shall try and do it.

God knows it will be half hearted.

He knows it may not be with my full heart.

But he will know I tried.

Its in the midst of this confusion and pain

That do I have to remind myself

It's my lord Allah who loves

It's my Lord Allah who controls and does

It's my Lord Allah who plans and carries out

It's not in the hands of her or him

It's not in the hands of that person

It's in my Allah's hands

I'm sorry I let go of my own dreams because i didnt believe in them because I didn't believe in you.

I'm sorry I lost faith in you.

I'm sorry I believed it wasn't for me because I didn't believe in you.

These are horrid words

Allah I'm sorry

I'm so sorry.

Please forgive me.

I believe in you and have hope and that is more stronger than anything else I can do.

Until I tried to cry for my sins

And tears did not escape my eyes.

I sinned last night

Yet awoke this morning

I sinned last night

Yet was blessed with my sustenance this morning

I sinned last night

Yet was awoken for Fajr this morning.

The list is endless

How merciful is my Lord

In not cutting off my blessings

Despite my multitude of sins.

This is what made me cry.

Ya Rab, forgive us

And have mercy on us