Midnight Kerberus

14

Good days. Health stress underneath but good days still. I love her so much. So many feelings intertwined with one person but whenever we talk I feel radiant. Warm and soft, I hear her voice for long enough and my stress begins to melt.

She deserves so much more than how life treats her. I wish I could do more. But she says talking to me is the highlight of her day. She really truly feels that way about me. And if I can at least be that for her then that is what I'll do.

I didn't know love could be like this. I didn't know it could be so gentle and kind. Twin beacons, keeping each other out of shadow.

There are other thoughts but they aren't needed here. Today has ended well. Good friends, precious loved ones. Hold on to that.

13

Too overwhelmed. Wound tight and scratching at myself. Bone deep tired but wired full of tense energy.

Nothing feels good, nothing feels right, nothing at all feels like it's working.

I want to slip out of my skin and let free the emotions that are eating me. Let this awful feeling scream itself loose and leave me to breathe.

Why can nothing ever feel right? All I can seemingly do is find fleeting moments of distraction that never last.

Always tired, always stressed, always something.

- K

You need to stop. You need to stop. Your body is telling you to stop. So stop.

- Us maybe

We're gonna get some rest. You're not really doing so hot. Maybe take a day.

12

Trying to breathe, trying to ground ourself in reality. Too many words, too many things, this unending noise of strangers drowning out ourself.

Need functional time. Need our head to work well enough to process and understand ourself. Need new places. New things. Quiet places. Quiet things.

Need the night, but need it while I can think.

God I wish I could think. I wish I could think and process and live the way I used to. I miss my mind.

11

What do we feel? Prickly, overwhelmed, fuzzed, but not... bad, perhaps. Such a long couple of days too much done perhaps but worth it. Worth the ache and the fatigue and the buzzing insects in my brain.

10

Scared. I'm scared. I don't know of what but I feel so sad and scared. Vulnerable.

- one of us

You are overwhelmed, I believe you need rest and care. Breathe and rest. All of the hard work is done. Breathe and rest. Pay no mind to the complicated thoughts. They can be cared for another day. For now it is just us. And we say rest. Sleep and rest and recover x

Good girl

9

I am abusing myself with hatred. Hatred for my body my skin my face. I hurt and punish myself for being a living growing thing. As though it were a crime to grow old, to be disabled. The human body is horrific to me and I fear what I will grow into. I fear the natural, I fear losing control over one of the few things I had. I wanted a chance to be beautiful. And I feel like I will never have that.

No matter what I do, I cannot see beauty in myself. I cannot see what other people say they do. All I see are imperfections that worsen with time.

I am an abuser to myself for things beyond my control. I am unsure what love I have for myself if any.

I am detached from this shape. It does not feel like mine.

That will do for now.

8

Warm night again. The rain was heavy for so long through the day, cool and soothing. Now the clouds hold the heat in, making the night heavy and thick.

We've taken our meds. Passing the time until sleep digs in.

Half formed thoughts. Not ready to put down.

Having boundaries is... Odd. Enforcing them is stranger still. Not bad, new.

A feeling of uncertainty, are we asking too much by wanting this space, and a soft soft reassurance inside when our boundaries are upheld.

There is a future. There is a place.