6 am blog

so that tiny voice keep replaying the same sound over and over again..

I lied down restless, with thousand thought looping in my mind. None of them sunshine & sundae. I prayed earlier, to let me rest silently, without the soundtrack telling me hundreds different tales.

First part was a success, I almost didn't believe God had answered my little prayer. It was only 8.43am, that means I need to try to shut my eyes for at least few more hours, given that it's Sunday and I only had few hours of sleep last night, after dodging another series of playbacks.

This time, I forgot to say my prayer. Welcome back:

A fragment of my life from decades ago; a little lost soul, still figuring out the meaning between those long hours. No one was loving me, hence there was no need to reciprocate the same feeling to anyone. Only judgements and whispers behind my back, then a thin smile from fake girls that were too coward to say those ugly unwelcomes to my face. I wasn't any braver, but that somehow gave me the power, which was mistaken as strength at that age, also in the disguise as self-defence.

I wore that weak heart of mine like a shield, masking the sensitivities with rebellion. No one dare to love me. No one.

Then came someone who finally scoped me up with hands as imperfect as mine. Spoke the language I understood, laughed the same music I appreciated. The world was bearable for a while. I wasn't all alone, for the first time in a long time

Until someone who wormed her way too hard and claim to be my representation came to take that- the very thing that made me feel belong. Only I wasn't a fool, I know underneath that laughs were a plot to destroy me. True enough, it doesn't take too long to know what a snake was like. She took it.

Then she took it again.

Then she tried to take it, again.

Stop. I know now, at this age, it's just a ghost. It's just a ghost. It's just a ghost. But oh my looming voice, too protective of me. I'm begging now, to just let me rest. Please..

I remember the urge to just pack & go. That was probably the wildest dream. 

📍11.53pm, Shell Kg Awah. A car that sat 3 foreigners’ appearance at the gas station, in other day, would positively shake the whole province. But not tonight. 

They were asking about accommodation (”hotel, anything”) nearby. And since I was the only one who know more than ‘yes/no’ in their language- English, I navigated them to the nearest homestay. We don’t have hotel nearby. In fact, the only decent place here was the petrol station’s dark parking lots.

My uncle who worked there for the midnight shift uttered verbal disgusts & annoyance. It was apparently ‘flood season’ in the area, and no one has received any warning, not even the weather forecast or MET. Both ends of the road was blocked, making the 10km span an island. Water raised dramatically quick. Hence explained why the poor car (& few other cars) were stuck in the off-road petrol station. 

Traffic in the state was static, so did other people living there. The poor foreigners were only starting their fun adventure, not knowing this occurrence would ended their exciting weekends surfing short. 

But there was another issue I was bugged with that night. 6 January 2021, just as we all thought the bitchy c0vid era has ended, it was another huge outbreak in Malaysia. In other day, people who wore floral dress & wear perfume would no doubt bringing excitement to the villagers. But tonight, just 15 minutes before they came, I received a news of ‘close contact’. That was the first & we were so so naive back then. I remember thinking that was the end. End ‘end’, end game. I have a baby back home, and knowing that I might bring the virus to him, make me feel like the worst human on earth.

Declining, I was only half-assedly assisted the foreigners. I imagined from the CCTV’s view, I might also appeared as ‘rude’. They were so friendly. But I was in my own world, worrying about my future & my family’s future.

Then when I was alone in my brother’s room later that night, I had the wildest impromptu dream of running away with them. 

I couldn’t stop my desire to just hop into the car with the strangers, driving into a new adventure. An adventure I was no longer getting, 18 months of being a mom. I spend the night fantasizing about how would the journey be, if I joined them. I slept wondering the funs I could have had. 

Get me out of here aldy! Gosh, if I see one more friend swiftly posting their insta story in another country, that’s it. I’m calling the people who manage my life. Hopefully he answer my call. 

Hello, God?

Birthday is in a short 2 months, and yet I have no financial strategy to move my dream closer. Hafiz said, my dream was too short-sighted. Yea, how about the plan after our world-travel? Another child? Yes that one. 

Told him, maybe (maybe) I’m ready to try, after we’ve travel for a bit, with our firstborn. I just really really really desperately wanted to see the world post-covid. “Do they age at all”, “Is there any new aesthetic procedure that could cheat 2 years off our face, “Does cooking oil suddenly has ‘import tax’ as well, in their country” so many questions I need to surveyed with my 2 eyes. 

“Goodbye 2020 ″ only to be eaten alive by the year after.

Good thing I let Hafiz have his after-run nap (that may last for 3 hours), and Heidi is still sleeping like a log in the freezer, that apparently just ‘me overexagerating’ it. I mean, how did those two sleep without blanket in such a cold room. Probably their XY chromosomes.

I figured I could use this free time to write something here, maybe a life update? Not that anyone gonna read this blog, or ever did. I (used to) really enjoy this private space here. I’ve been on other social medias almost all the time. Updating shits about my life, on the go. But still, that was nothing compare to being here. 

Instagram, was only the part I wanted to show the world (by world i mean, the 548 friends I approved). Also I just realized, me writing more than 3-sentences long caption, is not a vibe. So I make it a habit, to splurge the remaining words on Twitter. Twitter has been my emotion dumpster for so long. But I still don’t have the chance to elaborate what’s really inside me further there- as I don’t want to appear to be self-centre. So keep my Twitter for random thoughts throughout the days, and for political opinions that no one asked for.

Oh I’ve also *finally* started my Youtube channel, and Tiktok (er yes). But it was so hard to keep tabs on those. My last update on Youtube was 6 months ago. But in my defense, we (Malaysians) don’t even get to live life this year. Nothing much has happened on our social calendar, and it is now July omg.

Okay tell me why do I have to justify coming back here? I vaguely remember, I said, I wanted to spent some time to update my life. But here I am, spreading pages-long of reason ‘why-i-want-to-update-my-life-here’. Gosh, I am really old and draggy and nothing fun. 

I tried to imagine,

Waking up to darkness,

Missing the Sun, being miserable and not knowing which corner to turn,

I tried to shut my eyes,

And pictured your face without smiling,

I tried.

And that was when I know God has send me a secret window;

A window so bright i can see heaven through it

It’s not one that everyone get to see

It is, you.

You are the answer to the prayers i never found the right words,

It’s hard to pray for anything bigger than you standing in front of me

I am not religious

But you taught me a religion I am forever loyal to.

If this religion has name,