Clowder in a Trench Coat

The Warrior of Light: Yo, I heard the Kobolds have summoned Titan. Or are preparing to summon Titan. Or summoned him briefly, dismissed him, and are about to summon him again after acquiring more crystals. Or summoned him, but he's chilling in an incorporeal state so that he can appear dramatically in a way that looks as though he's being summoned for the first time during the cutscene at the start of his instanced battle. It's... not super clear honestly. But what is clear is that somebody needs to do something about it. And I am recently employed as a Primal Slayer so, hey, I'm here to do the thing. Just point me in the right direction.

Wheiskaet: What?

WoL: Oh sorry, I guess it's been a while for you, hasn't it? I've been informed that you know a secret backdoor to the Kobolds' favorite Titan-Summoning Chamber. If you could just tell me where that is that would be excellent, please and thank you!

Wheiskaet: Now hold up there kid, I can't in good conscience send some novice adventurer off to die in battle with a Primal!

The WoL: I appreciate the concern, but for real, don't even worry about it. My axe is literally still hot from cleaving through Ifrit's torso. I should have mentioned that first, sorry! It was a pretty easy fight actually. Took like ten minutes, and more than half of that was waiting for the queue. So, uh, Titan? Just… show me where…

Wheiskaet: When me and my crew fought Titan back in the day we only pulled off a narrow victory by sacrificing countless fighters, literally grinding him to a halt with a mountain of our dead piled up around his big rocky feet.

The WoL: Really? I slew Ifrit backed up by only three random low-ranking Scions who were among the beaten and malnourished captives taken by the Amalj'aa. And we got it done without any casualties. Coincidentally, they're all three in much better shape now, and still available to help me with this. So. Where's Titan?

Wheiskaet: Oh. Uh. Well. We were simultaneously facing Leviathan on a second front…

The WoL: That sounds like a really raw deal, man! Just an absolute mess! Fortunately for all of us, the Sahagin won't get their shit together until Patch 2.2, and Leviathan is nowhere to be seen. Where. Is. Titan?

Wheiskaet: You don't understand, he emits a magical field that can steal your free will! It's a miracle that you got out of Ifrit's lair with your wits!

The WoL: Funny story! I'm one of a handful of individuals who are immune to that! The phenomenon isn't widely known, but it is thoroughly documented. My colleague here, a scholar of some renown who is apparently already known to you personally, and who carries her credentials as a certified Sharlayan master of Aetherology literally tattooed on her neck, can vouch for all of that.

Y'shtola: Hello! My associate is indeed immune to Tempering, as well as a skilled and accomplished fighter. These being the two primary credentials we sought for our new staff position of full-time Primal Killer. The individual standing before you is the most qualified candidate to be found in all of Eorzea, as I can attest to either from personal observation or from the testimony of my most trusted colleagues, depending on which of the three city states their journey began in. Where is Titan, please?

Wheiskaet: Listen. I believe that you both believe this rookie is some kind of badass. But a threat like Titan ain't for the untested.

The WoL: I appreciate the concern, I really do, but let's look at all the pieces in play here before we decide to label any of them useless. My understanding is that once a Primal is fully manifest, it can stay manifest so long as there's a power source. The big heap of earth crystals the Kobolds probably used to kindle him just catalyzed the process, but after that he can sustain himself by leeching aether directly from the land, corect?

Y'shtola: Oh, bravo! You actually listened to my lecture!

Wheiskaet: I guess that all checks out with what I know.

The WoL: So there are three possibilities. In the first one, Titan sucks up aether until he feels confident enough to just Juggernaut his way southwards, killing or tempering literally everyone he encounters until all of Vylbrand is a graveyard, pretty much unstoppable unless you use the kind of brutal sacrifice play the Company of Heroes had to resort to back in the day. And even that's no guarantee. But maybe, just maybe, the Thalassocracy will be able to leverage enough firepower to stop him before the body count gets too catastrophic.

Wheiskaet: (Nodding) Aye, that's what I expect will happen.

The WoL: The second possibility, and tactically the smartest move in my opinion, is where Titan just lurks in place and bleeds Vylbrand dry, winning a war of attrition while guarded behind the innumerable ranks of tempered fanatic Kobolds who are ready to turn the heavily-fortified maze-like tunnels of O'Ghomoro into a meat grinder that would make your last encounter with their God look like a little light sparring. Eventually he'll run out of juice, but by then he'll be so powerful that he can just Godzilla his way over to the mainland and resume feeding from there, practically invulnerable to any countermeasures that wouldn't be considered an Eighth Umbral Calamity in their own right, and leaving every place he goes a withered husk.

Wheiskaet: Huh. When you lay it out like that, it almost sounds inevitable.

The WoL: And the third possibility is that someone gets in there as soon as possible and puts Titan down before he can get too bloated with aether. This being the only possibility that doesn't lead to a mountain of Limsan corpses at best, or star-wide mass extinction event at worst.

Wheiskaet: Mm-hmm, I hear what you're saying and it does make sense. You've got a good head on your shoulders there. You'll make a fine commander some day.

The WoL: Thank you. So even if the third plan involves considerable risk for whoever pulls it off, if they succeed it avoids a tremendous amount of bloodshed. And if it fails… your top secret back door would still work for a second team, right? Or a third? Your secret door obviously isn't just a door. So it will still potentially be a sacrifice play, but channeling our forces through this specific vulnerability will keep the body count from growing quite as massive as it would be if we met Titan on the open field of battle.

Wheiskaet: So you guessed that the way in is an Aethernet Crystal, huh?

The WoL: If it was a physical passage, the Kobolds would have charted it and sealed it up ages ago, given how tunnels are pretty much their main deal. So now that we're on the same page… how do I get to Titan?

Wheiskaet: You don't.

The WoL: I don't?

Wheiskaet: No.

The WoL: Ok. New approach. What are we doing instead?

Wheiskaet: We?

The WoL: If the Company of Heroes is the only 'proven' anti-Titan force you trust, you're getting the band back together to handle this yourselves, right? Where do I enlist? It'll be… an honor, I guess, to fight alongside you.

Wheiskaet: Haha! Hah! Nah, no, definitely not! We're all super-duper retired from God Slaying. I'm head of security at this rich guy's beach house! I can't just take the day off!

The WoL: Wow. Ok. Congratulations. So will you tell Maelstrom HQ how they can access the secret back door, and send through their elite hand-picked team (that I'll almost certainly wind up leading)?

Wheiskaet: Why in the Hells would we do that?

The WoL: … Why indeed. What, then? Hold open auditions for Bad Enough Dudes until someone comes along who you think is sufficiently impressive? Even though the difficulty of the task will be ramping up the whole time you stall due to Titan gorging himself without pause?

Wheiskaet: Oh, finally an idea I can get behind! In fact, speaking of gorging, here you go…

The WoL: Is this… is this a fucking grocery list???

Wheiskaet: Aye! We're gonna have a picnic!

The WoL: Fine. Final new approach. I'm gonna kill this son of a bitch with my teeth, and hope that the taste of his blood triggers an Echo Vision that reveals how the secret door works.