Maybe, Possibly

tbh, I don’t even know who the hell even still follows me, let alone reads any of my shit. But I have so much on my mind, I didn’t know where I could just let it out, cause I didn’t want to tell a person because I didn’t want to just dump my sob story on someone who probably doesn’t really care/know what to do, and I just feel like whatever I’m about to say, no one’s going to really understand anyways. 

So my mom’s health basically is not at 100% right now ( sparing you the details) and she’s been trying to make an appointment with the hospital for treatment in the states, but it seems as though it’s not going to be for another 2 months or so. She doesn’t want to wait that long so she’s been thinking about going back to Taiwan to get the procedure done. 

She asked me today if I was willing to go back with her, cause it’s not like I’m doing anything here right now, and she personally just doesn’t feel comfortable leaving me for a month by myself here cause my dad’s at work and my brother’s in LA. I was like “I don’t have anything planned, I can go back and help take care of her while she’s recovering.”

But then she throws me this motherfucking curveball. She wants me to go back and basically get plastic surgery for my moles. Okay. 

I haven’t had this conversation with her about my appearance for a while, because I had THOUGHT she was over it and that we were all going to live comfortably on the rest of our lives without having to talk about getting my moles removed. 

I became angry real fast, because yeah this was a sensitive topic. Sure, yes, I know that having all these moles on my face/body, it’s not the ideal look. I have never considered myself pretty or good looking, but in my 21 years, I have just come to accept it. What was I going to do about the fact that I didn’t win the genetic lottery and I was born with this mutation in my genes.

 I’m not 100% “yes I love myself, whatever you say won’t hurt me”, because yes, I’m aware of what I look like. I know what my friends look like, I know what beautiful/pretty/good looking is, and I am definitely none of the above. But shit, I didn’t think anything was wrong with me.

Having my mom tell me that she wants me to get plastic surgery, that she feels “hurt every time she sees me, as I get older” was fucking.... it hurt so bad. I have seen sad movies and experienced really hard times, but I’ve never gotten my heart broken before, but I think I felt that today. and it was from my own mom. My heart just hurt and I felt like I was drowning and every little bit of self confidence I had built up was destroyed in an instant.

Yeah, mom’s are supposed to love their kids no matter what, and I’m not saying she doesn’t love me, but she just doesn’t think I’m pretty. She thinks something is wrong with me which is why she keeps pushing for me to get my face done. My flaws are just something that is a deal breaker I guess.

I don’t know if I’m more mad or sad or just....I don’t know. I’m just hurt. I don’t want to be mad because she’s going through health issues and has no energy to raise her voice/argue with me, but I can’t help but be mad. I want to yell at her for being a bitch for thinking her own daughter is ugly and that I need to change.

But I can’t/won’t because I know that I personally deep deep deeep deeeeep down, I want to be pretty too. But I’ve been telling myself these past 10 years that I am okay with how I look. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and to love myself because I don’t want to conform to society’s standard of what beautiful is. But I’m not. I hate the way I look. I hate the fact that all my friends are pretty with flawless skin so they don’t understand what I go through every time I look in the mirror. Every time I get ready to go out, I think to myself why do I even bother doing my makeup, guys won’t talk to me anyways. lol girl friends have said, “Oh you’re so cute” “Oh you’re so pretty” and I just smile and say lol thanks. But here’s a secret lol. I have never believed any of them. I can probably count on one hand how many times I have ever truly felt pretty/ looked good. 

But ugh, I hate that I think this way. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to get some stupid plastic surgery but I don’t want to feel ugly all the time anymore. I hate that ugly is even a concept and that I drew the short stick of life. I hate how my moms really considering going back to Taiwan but she won’t do it if I don’t want to go back with her.