TRIGGERING WARNING: SA/ SH
When did the word woman become synonymous with scapegoat? As I see the news each day, I realize this is the world we seem to live in. In light of recent events regarding the attempt to destroy the career and livelihood of a fellow actress and woman , I have felt compelled to write this, as I have unfortunately been subject to the same toxic masculinity throughout my life. In my recent career, Iâve brought forward concerns about a male colleague and was deemed âhysterical.â I was told my fears were figments of my imagination. Now, as Iâm seeing this pattern pop up more, I realize this is the norm.
I, like a lot of women, had hope in change âespecially in the latter part of 2017 when many brave women came forward during the #MeToo movement. There seemed to be an uprising, a new wave of recognition for those who had been abused, degraded, slandered, silenced and it was loud. But it was the kind of noise I can only liken to a firework. It can wake you up out of a sound sleep, it burns so bright and shocks the shit out of you but then, it burns out â just like that. And when the smoke in the sky clears and the ashes and debris are swept away from the sidewalk, behind closed doors âto themâ we are still just noisy women.
So we all go about our business until the next wave of injustice comes.
With the #MeToo movement, it felt different. People were annoyed (by people, I mean men and anyone who enables abusers). Annoyed that they might have to change their own dehumanizing behavior. I remember the shift from âyasss!!! Go women!!!! We are woke af!!!! We got your back!!!!â To âgod, didnât these bitches have their moment a few years ago? Get over itâ. As if centuries of women being underpaid, undervalued, under-appreciated, raped, harassed, terrified and used for the benefits of dick-wielding heroes would be erased because you commented on your second cousins #MeToo instagram saying âstay strongâ.
It was a pat on the head, a consolation prize accompanied by an eye roll as if we were just all constantly complaining that the gas station didnât sell our preferred brands of tampons.
When a suit was filed against me by a former employer, (the suit was withdrawn), after making a confidential complaint against a coworker for unprofessional behavior, I had the silly and naive impression they would believe me. I am not known as a liar in my field of work, no matter how vocal I may be. Hence, why Iâve been working for 25 years. Instead of being believed and protected, a suit was filed against me for having the audacity to speak up. I was publicly shamed and defamed in the process. A reputation I had cultivated for over 2 decades had now been tainted as I became the crazy, paranoid and to quote directly, âhysterical and wildâ woman, who apparently just had it in for men. My previous abuse was also brought up as âunfounded claimsâ, and I was made to seem like someone who just goes after men, rather than being seen as someone who has been dealing as a professional in this world, since I was a child, standing up for herself. This was after I had taken all of the recommended, reasonable and appropriate measures of reporting confidentially to my union.
The experience left me with a lot of questions, of the professionals in my industry, of the public, and of men.
To the public⌠I often wonder why are we always so excited to see the takedown of a woman? Why are we always so quick to defend a man after he is accused of bad behavior, but if a woman speaks out⌠sheâs clearly a liar? Iâd like to think itâs because we are supremely afraid to believe the truth that these things actually happen. Iâd like to believe itâs some form of indoctrinated denial. However, time and time again, I find most people believe the approval of a man is far more significant than the burden of supporting a woman. For men, it is always innocent until proven guilty. For women it is the opposite. âProve your fear.â âProve your discomfort.â âProve your pain.â
And to men, I first wonder⌠if you complained about a coworker and you were called a liar⌠how would you feel? You probably canât answer this because most likely, statistically, itâs never happened to you. Men are usually believed because so many âbossesâ are men.
I will say this to those who have such a difficult time believing that women are truthful: do you know what happens to us if we report anything?
Do you know that most of the time when a woman reports a concern about a man, the burden of proof lies solely on us?
Do you know how it feels to be treated as a second rate citizen solely because we donât have an appendage we can stick into anything we feel we own the right to?
And yet⌠you need us. You canât charge your phone without an outlet right?
And is that all we are? Outlets? Something you can take your anger and vitriol and push that into us and onto us?
It leads us to the impossible double-edged sword we face everyday.
If we donât speak up, weâre weak and aiding in the problem.
If we do, we are over dramatic, bitchy, bossy, divas.
Do you have a sister? Do you have a daughter? Do you have a mother? Iâm sure you do.
And so here we find ourselves again, in a vicious cycle of crucifying another woman for speaking out against a man. Watching as the world splits in two over who is telling the truth, no matter how much evidence is presented. Because how could a woman do anything but lie or exaggerate?
How can a man do anything but lie when he is consistently told his deceptions are gospel? Are we forever to hold the burden of being âperfectâ to be victims and to be believed?
To change the narrative, we do not need more women to scream. We just need a lot more men to shut up and listen.
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