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âą đđđđđđđâ Actress!Ellie x Actress!Reader
âč đđđđđđđđ â A cracked-mirror apartment, two kids with a dream, and a desperate choice that buys a month of rent and a lifetime of consequences. Years later, one buzzing phone turns memory into combustionâcareers teeter, lovers and lies scramble, and a room full of handlers canât keep the past from walking in. On a wind-stung terrace where smoke curls and old gravity hums, tenderness and fury circle like magnets, and the difference between survival and surrender narrows to a breath.
âč đđđđ đđđđđâ 13,2k
âč đđđđđđđ đđđđđđđđâ LORE PACKED, smut (Ellie x reader), angst, panic/anxiety, internalized homophobia, time jumps/flashbacks, jealousy, alcohol + cigarette use, explicit language, emotional infidelity, tense relationship dynamics (ellie x dina / reader x abby), malicious outing & revenge porn (non-consensual leak), on-camera sex references, PR/media scrutiny, physical altercation, career/brand fallout, multiple POVs, AFAB!reader, modern AU, multi-part series. minors and men DNI.
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âđđ«đšđŹ & đđđđĄđąđŹ.â
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âđŹđđđ đđđ đđđđđđ đđ đđđđđ (đđđ đđđđđ) đđđđđ đđ
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â đșđđđđđ, đđđđđđđđ 130
đhen school ended, you and Ellie packed everything you owned into the backseat of Joelâs truck and moved into your first apartment.
Well, apartment is a generous word. It was a crooked box with windows. A third-floor walk-up in a building that looked like it was holding itself together out of spite.
The rent was cheap because the place smelled faintly of moldâas if someone had tried to drown it years ago and it never fully dried. The bathroom mirror had a crack running through it that split your reflection in two, so every morning you had to choose which half of yourself to look at. The tap in the kitchen sink dripped constantly, and there was a stain on the carpet shaped like Argentina that no amount of scrubbing would erase.
But, you didnât care. You were eighteen and had a single dream split between two hearts: become actors or die trying.Â
And if that meant learning lines on the floor, or eating dollar ramen while Ellie patched a hole in her Converse with duct tape, so be it. If it meant holding auditions in damp rehearsal rooms that smelled like dust, or memorizing monologues on the subway, so be it.
Both your parents and Joel slipped you money every so oftenâjust enough to keep the lights on, never enough to feel safe. It felt like an unspoken bet theyâd all placed on when youâd finally quit. Joel handed Ellie a folded hundred like it was nothing, muttering donât spend it all on coffee, but there was a flicker in his eyes that said he didnât believe sheâd make it past Christmas.Â
Your mom mailed you envelopes with fifty-dollar bills tucked between âjust checking inâ notes, the paper smelling faintly of her sickeningly sweet perfume, but the calls that followed always circled back to when are you coming home? Sheâd never say it outright, but you could hear itâthe weary sigh, the pause before she hung upâlike you were the familyâs one-way ticket to disappointment.Â
Joel was dismissive, your mom acted like you were the black sheep, and neither of them had much faith in that dream you and Ellie clung to like it was oxygen.
The biggest problem was, you couldnât prove them wrong. One entire year trying, and nobody actually called you back. Ellie auditioned for an indie film, got the part, and then found out they could only pay her in âexposureâ. The talent scout youâd met had laughed, actually laughed, when you said you wouldnât do nudity. You landed a part in a commercial for laundry detergentâonly to be cut before filming because the director decided you didnât âlook believable as someone who does laundry.â
Some days you ate cereal for dinner because it was all you had. Some nights you lay awake counting how many days you had before your phone bill was due and how long you could go without paying it before they cut you off.
But there was a lot of love.
Love in the way you held onto each other when everything else in the world felt like it was trying to shake you loose.
Love in the way Ellie would scribble dumb little cartoons and bad puns on the margins of your audition sides just to make you laugh when you felt like crying. Love in the way youâd walk her home after late rehearsals, splitting a single umbrella while rain slid down your sleeves, your shoulders pressed together so tight your arms ached.Â
Love in the way youâd sit on the fire escape every midnight, a blanket draped over both your knees, sharing a single cigarette between you and watching the windows across the street flicker on and off like little stages opening and closing.
Ellie pulled a pack of Marlboro Reds from her hoodie pocket, shaking one loose with that same lazy precision she always had. She handed it to you first, like she always did.
âUgh,â you muttered, examining it between your fingers. âYou bought reds? They taste like ass.â
âThey were the only ones they had,â she replied, lifting the lighter to your mouth and flicking the wheel.
âLiar. You bought them because theyâre the ones you like.â You scoffed, putting it in between your lips.
â...Yeah. Sorry love,â Her lips quivered as she leaned way closer than necessary, holding eye contact while lighting it for you. âIâll buy golds next time.â
You rolled your eyes, drawing in a slow lungful despite your complaint. You then exhaled into the cold night, a slow stream of smoke disappearing into the dark before you passed the cigarette to her.Â
âThink Iâd kill it in a comedy,â Ellie said then, the corner of her mouth lifting into that cocky smirk you knew too well as she took a dragâlike she could already see her name splashed across a movie poster. âOr, like⊠some cheesy rom-com where Iâm the hot love interest that shows up halfway through and then falls into a pool or whatever.â
You roll your eyes but giggle. âYou wanna be Hugh Grant?â
âExactly,â she grinned, tapping ash. âBut gayer.â
âIâd like to play someone dark,â you said, leaning back against the brick wall, âReally dramatic and kind of twisted. Like... Natalie Portman in Black Swan. Orâoh, ohâCharlize in Monster.â
âYouâd look really hot killing people.â
You nudged her knee with yours. âShut up.â
âNo, I mean it. Youâd be likeââ her voice dropped into a faux-trailer rasp, âââSheâs broken, sheâs brilliant, sheâs beautiful. This summer... love bleeds.ââ
You dissolved into laughter, accepting the cigarette back. âOkay, but Iâd also do a romance. Like, a real one. Something soft and tragic like Portrait of a Lady on Fire.â
Ellie just nodded, agreeing.
You were quiet for a second, flicking the filter before taking another drag. Then, âYou could be in that one with me.â
She looked over at you. âYeah?â
You nodded. âWeâd be good at yearning.â
Her smile softened in that way it always did when she didnât want you to notice, before bumping her shoulder against yours, a little too shy to look at you for a second.
âYeah,â she murmured, âGuess weâd be good at that.â
Months passed and rent was late, the panic eating both of you alive. Ellie came home with a crumpled paycheck from a three-day role in a student film â twenty-five bucks, barely enough for takeout, let alone bills â and youâd just been fired from your waitressing job for telling the manager to go to hell when he suggested âshowing you how to make a martiniâ in the walk-in freezer while his hand found your ass.Â
That night, the idea didnât come like some grand, premeditated scheme. It came the way most things did with you and Ellie â tangled up in each other on the couch, bodies loose and warm from cheap white wine, the last of the microwave ramen sitting half-forgotten on the coffee table. You were in her lap, your knees bracketing her hips, your hair falling into her face as she kissed you with the lazy hunger of someone who knew theyâd have you as long as they wanted. The TV was still playing some grainy 50âs black-and-white youâd put on for âbackground noise,â.
Sex was⊠constant. And not just constant â it was the one thing neither of you had ever managed to mess up. Through every late bill, every petty fight, every panic spiral over rent or rejection letters or your mom calling too much, youâd always been able to find each other that way. It wasnât just the fire âthough God, there was fireâ it was the way it made the rest of the world fall away for a while. The way her mouth on yours could pull you out of your own head, the way her hands could wordlessly tell you she loved you more than anything.
She kissed you slow and sloppy, her hands wandering under the hem of your shirt like she didnât have the energy to keep them still. You could feel the easy heat building between youâthat magnetic, familiar pull that had been there for five years and somehow hadnât dulled a bit.
She broke the kiss suddenly, breathless and grinning in that lopsided reckless way, and mumbled against your mouth,Â
âBabeâŠI have an idea.â
You huffed a laugh, brushing your nose against hers as you adjusted in her lap, your hands finding the back of her neck. âThatâs dangerous.â
âNo, seriously,â she said, voice dropping into that low, conspiratorial tone. Her eyes were half-lidded, her cheeks flushed from the wine, her hands gripping your hips.Â
âHear me out. We make an account and a few⊠tapesââ she stole another kiss, this one deep enough to leave you dizzyâ âNobody will know itâs us. And, like⊠we have great sex, someone would definitely pay to see it.â
âYou wanna make⊠porn?â You froze for a second, pulling back just enough to search her face. âEllie, are you serious?âÂ
She only grinned wider, that shit-eating smile spreading. âNot like porn porn. We just make a few videos, rake in some cash, and then delete everything. What could go wrong?âÂ
âWhat could go wrong?â you echoed, âFamous last words. Also, that was literally the definition of porn."
âOkay, but just think about it. Rent, groceries, no more begging Joel or your mom for cash every week.â She leaned in until her forehead pressed against yours, her voice softening. âYou hate that part. I hate that part. This way, itâs ours.â
You raised an eyebrow. âAnd what about the part where strangers see my ass?â
She smirked, her palms gliding higher under your shirt, fingertips dragging slow against your skin. âThey wonât know itâs your ass. We use fake names. Easy.â A beat. âJason told me he and his girlfriend made, like⊠twenty grand doing it.â
âWho the hell is Jason?â
âThat guy I shooted the short film with? the one withâŠdoesnât matter.â
You blinked, pulling back just enough to search her face for any sign she was joking. But she was dead seriousâwell, serious in that mischievous, Ellie way, the kind where you couldnât tell if she was plotting a prank or she actually thought this was the most brilliant thing sheâd ever come up with.
You sighed, your palms settling against her chest, feeling the steady rise and fall beneath your hands. âI donât knowâŠâ
Her thumbs stroked gently at your ribs. âWe wonât do anything you donât want to. Ever. But⊠câmon. All we have to do is fuck. And, babeââ she grinned, leaning closer, âweâre already really good at that. We just gotta record it. Itâs genius.â
Your lips trembled despite yourself, a reluctant laugh escaping from them⊠and okay, maybe she had a point. But mostly, it was that saying no to Ellie had always been impossible. You were both so young and so in love that if she told you to jump off a building, youâd do it without hesitationâand then sheâd leap right after you, just to land in the same place.
You tilted your head, pretending to think about it before giving in.Â
âMmm⊠fine,â you conceded âI'm in. Youâre a genius, baby.âÂ
âMm. Say it again,â she teased against your mouth.
âYouâre a terrifying genius,â you corrected.
And just like that, she was pulling you back down onto the couch cushions, sealing the deal in the way the two of you always had â with a kiss that felt like home, and the kind of love that made everything else seem almost survivable.
You were nineteen. The walls were thin. The future loomed like a storm you couldnât outrun.
And the first tape came easy.
No lights. No script. No plan. Just the two of you sinking into that sunken thrift-store couchâthe one with the busted spring that jabbed your thigh if you sat wrong. Ellie sprawled between your legs, looking up at you with that slow hunger she always got right before she turned a bad idea into the only thing that made sense.
Another video was nothing but the two of you scissoring on the bedroom floor, the camera propped haphazardly on a stack of books. It caught every soft gasp and shaky moan, your knees knocking together, Ellieâs hair plastered to her forehead with sweat. You were both laughing breathlessly between kisses, your hips moving in slow rolls like you wanted to drag the moment out forever, the sound of skin on skin echoing faintly in the small room.
Another was you between her thighsâher hands tangled in your hair, holding you there. The camera caught the way her knuckles flexed, the subtle tremor in her grip, the way her hips shifted as if chasing something she couldnât stop herself from wanting. Your hair spilled through her fingers in messy strands, her thighs tightening around you like she was afraid youâd pull away, her breath coming in shallow, uneven bursts.
The videos were always the same kind of messy, home made magic. Filmed with a $200 camera she bought secondhand off Craigslist, the lens a little smudged, the sound tinny and intimate. The accountâs name was Erosandatthisâa reference that meant nothing, unless you knew the two of you.Â
There was too much emotion in them to be sold to strangers. Neither of you once looked at the lens. Sometimes you caught glimpses of your faces in the playbackâyour parted lips, her flushed cheeks, the shadow of a grin when she realized you were close. You edited and cut around them, but sometimes you let them slip, too in love or too reckless to notice.
And people loved them. Comments started trickling in after the first post. Then more. Little typed confessions from strangers who said it felt real, like they were watching something they shouldnât, something too tender to be shared.
And Ellie somehow bought a strap. âPriorities,â sheâd said, tossing it onto your shared mattress like it was a solution to every problem in your lives. Youâd been broke enough to split a single croissant the day before, but in some such way, Ellie had money for a harness and a strap in her preferred shade of dark purple. You never asked how, but you sure as hell didnât argue after the first time she used it on you. Fuck rent.
The first tape that made big numbers was the one of you riding her, your knees digging into the cushions, her hands gripping your ass tight, pushing and pulling you exactly where she wanted you. She never took her eyes off you, not even when you gasped and grabbed her shoulders for balance.Â
Ellie had always been good at talking during sex, but on camera she was even worseâ whispering âGod, I love youâ in that raspy, characteristic voice of hers so quietly you didnât hear it until you played the video back.
By the time you had six tapes, the money was real. More than either of you had ever made waiting tables, handing out flyers, or playing extras on shitty films. Enough to cover rent, groceries, and still have a little left over for a bottle of wine or a night outânot that you were going out much anymore. Youâd built a world you didnât want to leave.
Another videoâshorterâwas in the pale early morning light. The kind that slipped through the crooked blinds and painted lines across bare skin. You were on your back, tangled in the sheets, Ellie above you in that lazy, unhurried way she had when the day hadnât quite begun yet.Â
The strap was already inside you, her hips rolling with that half-asleep rhythm that felt more like being loved than fucked. You whimpered into the pillow, your hands coming up to cup her jaw, pulling her down until your noses brushed.
She kissed you between thrusts, open-mouthed and warm, her breath tasting faintly like coffee. Her fingers laced with yours beside your head, her forehead pressed to yours like she couldnât stand the space between you.
âYouâre the love of my lifeâ she murmured against your lips, voice thick and raspy from the night, forgetting the camera and the concept of porn completely.âFuck, I love you. I love you so much.âÂ
You said it back without hesitation, the words catching on a gasp as her hips sank deeper.
It was barely more than two minutes of footageâ cutting off on the kind of passionate kiss that couldâve ended a movie, not a porn video. The last sound the camera caught was your high, breathless whine of âAh! F-fuck, Iâm gonnaâ!â before the screen went dark.
Somehow, that one was the favorite. It racked up almost one hundred comments, one that stuck in your head for days: i would die to be loved like that.
When the balance hit ten thousand dollars, five months passed, and there were twelve tapes sitting in that private account, you sat side by side on the couch, old laptop balanced between you. The glow of the screen lit Ellieâs face in soft blue, her fingers brushing yours as the cursor hovered over delete account.
âYouâre sure this will delete everything? Like⊠forever?â you asked, your voice quieter than you meant it to be.
Ellie glanced at you, her mouth curling into that certain smile she always wore when she wanted you to trust her.
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đouâre still wrapped in that fragile haze between dreams and daylight when the vibration on your nightstand starts buzzing against the wood, steady and insistent. The sound weaves itself into whatever dream you were having until itâs all you hear, rattling the half-empty glass of water youâd left there last night.
The night before had ended quietly after Abby dropped you off at your apartment, leaning over the console to kiss you goodbye. Sheâd murmured that she couldnât stay overâearly training in the morningâand youâd pretended not to feel the small pinch of disappointment as you stepped out into the hallway. The ride up in the elevator had been slow, the kind of late hour where the cityâs noise felt far away.
The last thing youâd done before bed was check your phone. The internet was buzzing about you and Chris at the premiereâside-by-side on the carpet, smiling like youâd been born for it. Your feed was flooded with clips from interviews, people dissecting your dress, your makeup, your laugh. Youâd scrolled until your eyes blurred, watching the same ten-second clips on loop. You looked goodâbetter than goodâand you let yourself bask in it for once. By the time you put the phone down, a little smile lingered in your lips.
Now, hours later, the vibration pulls you toward consciousness in uneven tugs. Your eyes stay closed, head still heavy against the pillow, as your hand reaches blindly towards the sound. Your fingers brush the smooth edge of your phone before curling around it.
You donât even bother to check the screenâyour thumb slides to answer purely on instinct, voice thick and hoarse with sleep.
At first, thereâs nothingâjust a faint, uneven sound of breathing.
âHey,â Rachel then says, but itâs not her normal voice. Itâs soft, hushed, like sheâs speaking to someone whoâs just been in an accident and sheâs afraid they might break if sheâs too loud. âOkay, listen to me. Focus on me. Donât hang up, alright?â
You blink into the light filtering through the curtains, a pale, harmless wash of morning that doesnât match her tone at all. Your eyebrows furrow. âRach? Whatââ
âDonâtââ she cuts in fast, sharp. Too sharp. âDonât open Twitter. Donât check any notifications. Donât look at anything right now. Just⊠stay with me.â
The bottom drops out of your stomach before you even have time to think. That kind of donât from Rachel never comes without reason.
Never â not once in all the years youâve known her, not when sheâs pulled you out of red carpet disasters, smoothed over PR nightmares, or whispered damage control into your ear â have you heard her like this.
Her voice isnât just tight; itâs trembling in places, like every word is balanced on the edge of breaking. The sharp, clipped demands donât sound like her either. Rachelâs usually the calm in the storm, the only person capable of keeping a smile plastered on her face while the world is burning behind her. But this? This is a crack youâve never heard before.Â
You sit up fast, the sheets catching and tangling around your legs, the sleepy high from minutes ago evaporating as steam. Your pulse kicks hard, a steady thump beginning its punishing climb towards panic.
âWhy? Whatâs going on?!â
âPlease,â she says again, âJustâdonât look. Promise me.â
The room feels smaller suddenly, like the airâs been sucked out.Â
âRachel.â You say, firm. âTell me whatâs happening right now.â
Thereâs a long beat. Too long. Then, in this strange, halting rhythm, she says:Â
âYou⊠you told me you knew Ellie Williams.â
The name lands low in your chest, already aching. Her, again.
You canât immediately piece together why Rachel would be calling you about Ellie. Your mind scrambles for possibilities, and it goes to the worst place firstâsomething horrible happened to her. An accident. The kind of bad news you only ever get over the phone.
Your pulse spikes and your stomach feels like itâs sinking straight through the mattress. You reach for levity, but it comes out brittle.
âUh⊠y-yeah? Why? Did something happen to her?â
âNot... exactly,â she says, and you can hear it nowâthe sound of her swallowing hard. âYou forgot to tell me a lot of things.â
Your heart twists in on itself. âLike what?â
âLikeâŠâ She exhales, and itâs shaky, not even trying to hide the tremor.Â
âLike whether you two... have ever⊠made⊠a sex tape.â
For a second, the words donât compute. They just hover there in the air, hollow and unreal, and your brain tries to quickly protect itself and imagines you misheard. But then, like a delayed punch, they drop into place and every part of you goes cold. Your fingers stiffen around the phone until the plastic creaks.
The room feels too bright now, the sunlight pouring through your curtains suddenly invasive, spotlighting you, tracing every inch of bare skin. Once, that light had been warm. Now it suddenly sharpened, splintered into fine points, each ray like a needle pressing in, pricking at you until you canât tell if itâs heat or pain.
And your traitorous mind immediately yanks you backward.
Back to the third-floor walk-up with uneven floors and a bathroom mirror that had a crack running through it. The smell of the sheets when sheâd pull you down onto the mattress. The way sheâd grin into the camera, her deceiving gaze that made you forget there was a lens at all. How your voice sounded and your body looked in those clips. How her hands always knew exactly where to hold you so you stayed in frame.
You donât need Rachel to finish. You donât need to see anything.
The realization crashes over you like a wave of icy water.
The word comes out too sharp, too loud, scraping your throat on its way out.
âHave you?â she asks, quick now, as if she spits it out fast enough it wonât hurt. âIâm notâlook, Iâm not judging you, I just need to know howââ
âYes!â you blurt, already throwing the blankets off, your bare feet hitting the floor. You start pacing, fast, like movement might somehow untangle the knot in your chest. âYes, okay? Why? Why are you asking me that? Rachel, pleaseâplease donât tell meââ
âIâm so sorry,â she says, her voice splintering completely.
Your knees nearly buckle.Â
âNo. No, no, no, noâno.â
âDonât check, please, Y/Nââ
But youâre already taking the phone away from your ear and opening the apps, almost dropping it because your palms are slick. Your own breathing is suddenly loud in your ears, ragged and uneven. The edges of the world narrowâjust you, the phone, and the horrible anticipation crawling up your throat.
Rachel is still talking, saying your name over and over, but her words are static. You canât hear her.
Your X icon is right there, and your thumb moves before you can stop it.
You donât even need to search. Your name is at the top of the trending list, paired with hers.Â
Y/N and Ellie Williams leaked.Â
The letters blur and sharpen again.
The first post has a video attached. The thumbnail is small, fuzzyâbut your brain fills in the gaps before your eyes can. Thatâs your room. Thatâs your skin. Thatâs her. Thatâs you.
A scream rips out of you before you even know youâre making itâraw and jagged, tearing up your throat, something between a sob and an animal howl.Â
Your vision explodes white at the edges, the room tilting and spinning as your body forgets how to stay upright. You stagger backward until your hip slams into the dresser, the impact rattling the lamp and sending the glass of water on top trembling dangerously close to the edge.
Something in your chest clenches so hard itâs almost pain, a fist curling around your heart and squeezing until itâs nothing but pulp. For a split second, everything inside you goes still. And then your heart kicks back to life in a frenzyâtoo fast, too hard, rattling your ribs like itâs desperate to escape.
"Y/Nâbreathe for me. Inâbreathe inâ" Rachelâs voice is frantic, but itâs muffled, warped, as if sheâs shouting through ten feet of water.
Your chest is pumping too fast, lungs dragging in air only for it to slide right back out in shallow, broken gasps. Every inhale tastes wrongâmetallic, sour. Your hands feel numb. Your knees are weak enough to fold, so you drop onto the edge of the bed, legs trembling, the mattress dipping under your weight like itâs trying to swallow you whole.
The phone slips from your grip and hits the hardwood with a muted thunk. You press the heel of your palm into your eyes until sparks burst across the dark, as if pressure alone could blot it out, could push the world back into some version where this wasnât happening.Â
But no amount of force can stop the truth from searing itself into you.
đinaâs warmth is the first thing Ellie registers when she surfaces from sleep.Â
Ellie is curled around her, her front pressed to Dinaâs back, arm hooked tight around her waist. Her palm rests low, fingers curled just under the hem of her t-shirt, skin against skin. She can feel the slow, even rise and fall of her breathing, the faint tickle of curls brushing her chin.
Theyâd come in late last night, slamming the door behind them with the argument still hot in their throats. Neither had been willing to let it go until the fight burned itself out the way it always didâwith them backed into the nearest flat surface, still angry but already kissing hard enough to bruise. It was messy, rushed, a clumsy tangle toward the bedroom that ended the same way most of their fights did: bodies pressed together, trying to outdo the otherâs stubbornness with touch.
Now, hours later, the only trace of it is the faint ache in Ellieâs muscles, the lazy hum in her limbs, and the way Dinaâs body fits against hers as if theyâd never been at odds.
The alarm cuts through the stillnessâsharp, mechanical, a jarring intrusion. Dina stirs against her, groaning softly. âUghhâturn it offff.â
Ellieâs hand gropes blindly across the nightstand until her fingers close around her phone. She silences it with a sleepy swipe, her thumb clumsy from half-consciousness. The thought of going right back under, sinking into that same warmth, is tempting enough to make her eyelids droop again.
But she glances at the screen out of habitâand freezes.
Her notifications are a wall, a solid, endless flood of messages stacked so high she canât see where they start.Â
For a second, she blinks at it, her mind sluggishly offering the most logical explanation: The Emmys. It has to be about the Emmys. Her win. Maybe the speech, maybe some photo that went viral.
But somethingâs wrong, something in her chest doesnât match that explanation. Itâs a pressure she canât name, but itâs already making her pulse start to tick faster.
She scrolls without meaning to, and the first thing she sees is her publicistâs texts in all caps. Then another. Then another. Everyone from her team. Lawyer. PR manager. Even her stylist. The kind of people who do not text in caps unless the world is on fire.
The warmth drains from her limbs.
Ellie sits up so fast the mattress dips sharply, jostling Dina. Her girlfriend groans again, squinting into the half-dark.
"Ellie, what happened?" her voice is thick with sleep, the words stretching into a yawn as she props herself on one elbow.
Ellie doesnât answer. Sheâs already swung her legs over the side of the bed, her bare feet pressing into the cool floorboards. Her phone is in her hand, her thumb hovering over X like sheâs bracing for impact. Sheâs not breathing rightâher inhales are short, clipped, barely making it past her chest.
And the first trending topic, burning up the feed in bold black letters:Â
The words glare at her from the screen like theyâve been carved there, too sharp to look at, too loud to unsee. And then her eyes drop lowerâdown to the thumbnail sitting beneath the headline.
The gasp that leaves her is small but sharp, punched straight out of her lungs. It comes with this awful choking hitch, like sheâs swallowed glass. She slaps a hand over her mouth, as if that could pull the sound back in, as if she could hide the way her body just betrayed her.
Itâs a screenshot, frozen mid-motion. Her face is right there, turned toward the camera, hair sticking damp to her temple, mouth parted like sheâs caught between a breath and a sound. And you, unmistakable even in the grain of the image. Skin. Movement. The telltale mess of sheets she knows by muscle memory.
One of the videos. The exact one sheâd watched alone two weeks ago, in the quiet dark of her apartment, when it was still hers and no one elseâs.
Her mind starts clawing at itself for an explanation and finds nothing but static. Did someone hack her? Did something glitch? Did she slip, leave something in the wrong folder? Did youâ? The thoughts sear through her so fast it leaves nothing but white noise in its wake.
Her head fills with questions she canât pin down long enough to answer, her vision blurring around the edges. Itâs like the oxygen has been yanked out of the room. Her throat closes around the air sheâs trying to drag in, each inhale catching on itself until she feels like sheâs choking.
Her vision blurs before she even realizes sheâs crying. The tears spill fast, unannounced, cutting hot tracks down her cheeks. Her chest is tight, rigid, and the world around her feels suddenly too detailedâevery shadow, every crease in the sheets, every speck of dust in the air standing out in painful clarity.
"Ellie?" Dinaâs voice is sharper now, edging towards alarm. She sits up fully, the sheets falling from her chest. "What happened? What is it?"
Ellie shakes her head once, hard, her hair falling into her face. Her legs move before her brain catches up and then sheâs crossing the room in quick, uneven steps, pacing without purpose except to keep from collapsing.
Dinaâs still talking, asking, but itâs just sound in the background. White noise against the rush in her ears.
Ellie doesnât want her to see. Doesnât want her to ask. Doesnât want anyone in the room with her. Doesn't want any eyes on her, maybe ever again. The air feels too thin for two people.
She yanks the bedroom door open.
"Stay here," she gets out, voice almost breaking.
She doesnât wait to see if Dina listens. Sheâs already gone, feet hitting the hall in a staccato rhythm, the phone burning in her palm.
Ellie doesnât even remember pressing the call button. Her thumb just moves, finding Erinâs name. The dial tone feels like it stretches forever, each second tightening the knot in her chest.
âEllie,â Erin answers on the third ring. âI was going to call you.â
âWHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED!?â Ellieâs voice comes out too sharp, too loud. Sheâs pacing the living room now, feet dragging over the rug, phone pressed hard to her ear.
âIâve been handling it,â Erin says, a little too smooth, a little too calm. âI didnât want to tell you yet until I had it under controlââ
âWell itâs not under control!â Ellie snaps, the words punching out before she can stop them. âHave you seen fucking twitter? Have you seen the viââ Her throat catches around the word, as if even saying it would make it more real.
âOf course Iâve seen it,â Erin says, the sigh in her voice almost patronizing. âYou think Iâm just sitting here with my thumbs up my ass? Iâve been on calls since five a.m. trying to contain it.â
Ellie stops pacing, presses her fingers hard against her temple. âHow the actual fuck did someone get that video from?!â
Thereâs a beat of silence, just long enough for it to feel deliberate.Â
âThatâs what Iâm asking you,â Erin says finally. âBecause it didnât exactly come from thin air.â
âWeââ She glances toward the bedroom door, where Dina is still in, and lowers her voice. âWe dated. Me and her. I had that video on my iCloud.â
âMhm.â Erinâs tone doesnât change, but the hum sits heavy, as if sheâs already filing this away. âSo maybe someone hacked your iCloud.â
"Wait,â Ellie says instantly, words cutting sharp through her teeth. The call with Erin stays on the line as she swipes through settings with quick, jerky movements.
She dives into her account security, heart pounding in the hollow of her throat. The familiar menus flash byâpassword, devices, login historyâand sheâs holding her breath like sheâs bracing for impact.
Nothing. No alerts, no suspicious sign-ins, no password change notifications. The last ânew deviceâ login is from her own phone, weeks ago. Every line looks clean, ordinary, infuriatingly untouched, as if the universe is mocking her.
âThereâs nothing,â she says, thumbing back and forth through the log just to be sure. âNo password changes, no sign-ins from new devices. Iâm checking right nowânothing.â
Erin lets out a short, humorless laugh, the kind that feels more like a slap than amusement. âEllie, you sound awfully sure for someone whose private porn just went public.â
Ellieâs chest tightens, a retort already building âErin what the fuckâ?!â
But Erin is quicker, always quicker. Her voice cuts in before thoughts can even finish forming, ponty and unyielding.Â
âNo,â she says, fast, almost overlapping Ellieâs words, swatting them out of the air. âIâm asking you: are you telling me the whole truth?â
Itâs so abrupt that Ellieâs mind stutters, caught mid-step, the question landing before she can prepare for it. Erin never leaves space for her to think, never lets silence bloom long enough for Ellie to find her footing.
The pause feels like it lasts too long, stretching into incrimination.Â
ââŠNo,â Ellie says finally, forcing the word out like a confession. âWe uploaded them, back then. To this⊠account. But we deleted it after some months. All of it.â
âEllie,â Erin says slowly, with that infuriatingly calm cadence of hers, not entirely mean but far away from gentle. âThe internet is forever. You donât just delete something and poofâitâs gone. Someone saves it, screenshots it, archives it. This isnât magic, this is reality.â
Ellie can't really believe what she's listening, âYouâre acting like I shouldâve fucking known this would happen!â
âYou should have,â Erin says flatly. âAnd now we have to clean up after it.â
Ellieâs head is pounding. She wants to argue, to tell Erin that no, she couldnât have predicted someone digging this up years later, but the words feel useless. Erinâs voice just keeps rolling over her, a tidal wave she canât stop.
âHereâs whatâs going to happen,â Erin continues, tone brisk, managerial. âWeâre arranging a meeting between your team and hers. Today. I've already booked the flights. We need alignment, a joint statement, and a strategy for minimizing fallout. Iâll text you the details.â
âIââ Ellie starts, but Erin is already talking again.
âShower, breathe, and for the love of God, donât post anything. Iâll handle the rest.â
The line goes dead before Ellie can say another word.
Ellie just stood there in the hallway for a moment, phone hanging loose at her side, pulse still thundering in her ears from Erinâs voice cutting out. The silence felt too loud, pressing in on her temples, so she pushed herself forwardâback toward the bedroom.
The door was cracked open. She could see Dina sitting up against the headboard, blanket pooled around her waist, hair mussed from sleep. But it wasnât the sleepy softness Ellie had left her in. Dinaâs shoulders were tense, her jaw tight, her phone clutched in both hands.
When Ellie stepped in, Dina didnât look at her right away. Her eyes were fixed on the screen, wide and glassy, and it made something in Ellieâs gut sink fast.
âDina,â Ellie said, voice low, pleading. âPlease. Donât.â
Dina finally looked up, and her face made Ellie want to turn and walk straight out of the apartment. And never come back. It wasnât just shockâit was betrayal, confusion, hurt sitting right there under the surface. Without a word, she turned the phone in her hands and held it out, the screen catching the dull morning light.
Ellieâs stomach dropped. Her face. Yours. Bodies moving in sync, hands tracing skin like a language only the two of you had spoken. The grainy, dim-lit warmth of a video she knew too well to be proud of.
But the meaning of it is now irreversibly changed, shifting from something cherished to something dreadful. Her pulse spiked, nausea clawing its way up her throat until she thought she might actually be sick.
âWhat the fuck is this, Ellie?!â Dinaâs voice cracked halfway through the question, her eyes already wet.
Ellieâs chest constricted. She shook her head too fast, words tumbling out without air. âDina, don't watch itâare you fucking kidding me? Donâtâ!â
âYou never told me anything about this!â Dina shot back, her tone rising to match the sharp edges in the room.Â
Ellie took a step closer, her hands half-raised like she could calm this down by sheer proximity. âBecause itâs notâitâs not something I thought would everââ
âOh, really?!â Dinaâs laugh was short and hollow. âBecause it looks pretty fucking current to me. Like, I donât know, two people who clearlyâclearlyââ She stopped herself, lips pressing tight, eyes flicking away like she didnât even want to finish.
Ellieâs throat was dry.Â
âWe dated,â she said finally, the words heavy as lead.
Dinaâs head snapped toward her. âWhat?â
Ellieâs breathing was uneven now, hands curling into fists at her sides, not in anger but in the way you do when youâre barely holding yourself together. âIt was before you, way before. I didnât tell you because it didnât matter anymoreââ
âIt didnât matter?! Youâre literally calling her the love of your life!ââ Dinaâs voice cracked loud enough to bounce off the walls. âAnd now Iâm finding out because her face and your face are all over the internet in some fucking sex tape!â
Ellie winced at the words, as if they were made of glass and sheâd just stepped on them barefoot. âDina, I didnâtâfuckâI didnât think this would ever see the light of day. We deleted it. We deleted the whole account. It was goneââ
âClearly not gone enough,â Dina bit out, tone sharp with disbelief. She swiped at her eyes with the back of her hand, but the tears kept building.
Ellie started pacing, fast, the way she always did when her brain was firing too fast for her mouth. âI donât even know how it happened. I donâtâErinâs saying someone downloaded it, but nothing adds up, and now youâre here looking at me likeââ She broke off, shaking her head, voice straining. âLike I planned this or something!â
Dinaâs voice dropped, quieter but not softer. âYou didnât plan it, but you sure as hell didnât tell me the truth either.â
Ellie stopped moving, her breathing ragged, eyes darting anywhere but Dinaâs. Her fingers dragged through her hair, tugging hard.
âBecause I didnât want to lose you over something that happened years ago, okay? Because I didnât want to have this fight, and now itâs happening anyway andââ She cut herself off with a choked sound, her shoulders curling inward.
Dina stared at her for a long moment, eyes searching, but the space between them felt like it was getting wider with every second.Â
âYou should have told me,â she said finally, voice low and uneven. âBefore the whole fucking world did.â
Ellieâs jaw clenched, her chest heaving as she fought to keep her voice from breaking.Â
âI know.â she said, barely more than a whisper.Â
đhe locker room was humid with the after-sweat of practice, the low hiss of the showers somewhere in the back. Abby was at her locker, peeling off her shirt and grabbing a towel, when she noticed the two forwards from her team huddled together a few feet down, their heads bent over one phone like they were plotting a heist.
They werenât even pretending to changeâjust standing there in their sports bras, eyes glued to whatever was playing. Every few seconds one of them would gasp, or let out a muffled laugh, then lean in as if the phone was telling them a secret.
âOh my god,â Andy breathed, her hand clapping over her mouth. âRewind it, rewind itââ
âIâm not rewinding it, itâs already on a loop,â Nora muttered, grinning. âHoly fuck. Look at the way sheââ
âGod, Iâd kill to be them right now,â Andy cut in, half-laughing, half-serious. âTheyâre so into it.â
Abby smirked and wandered over, rolling her shoulders loose.Â
âWhatâs got you two so glued to the phone?â Her voice was light, teasingâlocker room banter without thinkingâbut her eyes flicked between them, curious.
Andy glanced up, cheeks flushed like sheâd been caught. âOh, youâd never believe this.â
Nora bit her lip, eyes still darting down to the screen. âNo, seriously, this isâlikeâhuge. Insane.â
Abby cocked her head, leaning on the locker next to them. âNow Iâm curious. Spill.â
Andy grinned. âOkay, soâyou know that actress? The hot oneââ
âThat narrows it down to, like, fifty.â
Nora rolled her eyes. âThe hot one. The one from When We Fell. The one people are obsessed with. Y/N.â
Your name hit Abby like a slap she didnât see coming. Her shoulders tensed before she could stop it, something coiling low in her gut. Her grip on the towel tightened just slightly, but she forced a scoff, making her voice lazy.Â
ââŠSure. What about her?â she finally said, making her tone casual even though the entire situation sent shivers skittering up her spine. Still, she played it cool, smirking faintly.
Andy bit back a smirk of her own. âShe has a sex tape.â
Abbyâs brows shot up, the laugh that came out more like disbelief than humor. âNah. Youâre lying.â She was already bracing herself for the punchline, waiting for them to admit they were messing with her.
âWith Ellie. fucking. Williams,â Nora cut in, voice pitching up like she could barely believe it herself.
Abbyâs brain tripped over the name. For a beat, she felt like sheâd misheard it â like there was no way thatâs what sheâd just said. âThe one from Backstage? Short hair, tattoos, never smiles?â Her laugh came sharper this time, riding the fantasy of incredulity. âNah, no way. Youâre fucking kidding.â
But Andy was shaking her head, looking giddy to be the one delivering the news. âNope. And itâs everywhere. Blowing up.â She grinned wider. âTen seconds in and they already look like theyâre about to eat each other alive. Full-on eye contact. You can feel it.â
Something icy was starting to spread through Abbyâs chest, wrapping around her lungs. She kept her arms folded, kept her face flat, but every nerve in her body was on high alert.
Nora smirked, eyes still locked at the phone, as if it was just impossible to stop watching it. âAnd they both have huge relationships, like, serious ones. Isnât Y/N super straight and dating Chris Parker? This is⊠honestly? Historic.â
The name hit Abby again, this time harder. The casual way Nora said Chris Parker made her stomach twist â the public version of you, the one everyone thought they knew. Not her version.Â
Andy laughed under her breath. âHistoricâs one word for it. Fucking insane is another. I meanâWilliamsâs got her hands everywhere. And Y/N? SheâsâŠâ She trailed off with a low whistle. âLetâs just say sheâs not shy. You can see everything.â
The words felt like grit under Abbyâs teeth. Her jaw locked so tight it ached. She didnât want to picture it â you, like that, with someone elseâs hands on you â but the images were already there, uninvited and ugly.
Nora leaned in closer to the screen, biting back a grin. âSheâs gorgeous, though. Likeâeven better than I thought sheâd look naked. And the noisesâholy shit.â
That was it. The heat under Abbyâs skin turned darker, meaner. She couldnât stand the way they were looking at the screen like you were just another piece of gossip to pass around. Her heartbeat was hammering in her ears, but her voice stayed level.
âAlright,â she said, stepping forward, âlet me see the fucking tape.â
Andy blinked. âUhââ
Before she could finish, Abbyâs hand shot out and snatched the phone clean from her grip. Andyâs startled hey! barely registered as Abby tilted the screen toward herself.
It hit her instantlyâyou.
So familiar it made her stomach drop; so utterly, irrevocably you that it was impossible to imagine it could be anyone else. But your body younger, your face and skin unstripped, unarmored. A version of you she had never met.
Then came the soundâEllie's, low and intimate, threading through the static: âFuck, I love you. I love you so much.â
And then your voice. Soft, but sure in a way she never heard before, saying it back.
Something in her chest cinched tight, a wire pulled until it snapped. Every muscle locked, breath wouldnât come. The white-hot rage was instant, irrational, and blindingâa betrayal she had no claim to, but surged up and flooded her all the same.
Before her brain could catch up, before thought could intervene, her hand moved on instinct.
The phone flew, hitting the cinderblock wall with a sharp crack. The spiderweb of shattered glass froze over the image of you and Ellie, the sound cutting dead.
Silence. Nora and Andy stared like sheâd just swung at them instead of the phone.
Abbyâs breath stayed even, but it was an effort. Her jaw was clenched so hard it hurt, and she could feel the pulse in her temples.
Without a word, she turned, towel slung over her shoulder, and walked straight out â not trusting herself to speak, because if she did, the whole locker room would hear exactly what she wasnât supposed to say.
đhe conference room smells like too-strong coffee and fresh paper, the kind of sterile, overlit space where nothing good has ever happened. The table is long enough that the person at the other end could vanish if you wanted them to â which you surely do.
Rachel is beside you, her palm covering yours under the table. Her grip is firm, steady, as if she knows youâre one breath away from falling apart.
Youâve been here for twenty minutes already. Your team is scattered along your side, murmuring into phones, shuffling papers, pretending not to glance at you like youâre a bomb theyâre trying to keep from going off. You havenât moved. The dark clothes you're wearing swallow the light, not a single inch of skin exposed. You sunglasses helpâtheyâre the only thing hiding how your eyes are irreparably swollen, raw from hours of crying you couldnât control.
To make it worse, Abby isn't responding to any of your texts. Not the first, not the eight that followed, not the two missed calls or the voice message where your voice cracked so badly you had to hang up. You tried to explain, tried to get something â anything â back from her side, but thereâs been nothing. Just silence. And thatâs how you know she saw it.
The air in the room shatters, goes solid and dense all at once. Erin walks in first, her black stilettos biting into the carpet, her ginger hair perfectly styled, her blue eyes sharp and hostile. Behind her follows the rest of Ellieâs team.
But itâs all a blur in your periphery because then you look up, and time doesnât just slow, it disintegrates.
She stops in the doorway like sheâs been hit. Black on black, the fabric swallowing her whole, sleeves down to her wrists, even her collarbones hidden from view. Auburn hair pulled back in a bun though a few strands have rebelled, curling against her temple. Sunglasses that hide half her face, but not the exhaustion dragging at her posture.Â
The room falls away. The murmured phone calls, the shuffle of papers, the tension coiling between your team and hers, none of it exists.
Itâs just her and you now, trapped in this horrible, suspended moment where nothing moves except the pounding in your chests.
Neither of you lower your glasses. Theyâre the only shield you have left, the only thing between you and the ruin of letting her see whatâs underneath.
Sheâs always known the weight of your silences, and youâve always known the way hers press into the air. Right now, those silences are screaming. She knows how you feel, even now, even after everything. You know how she feels, even with every wall sheâs tried to keep.
You canât hide from each other. You never could.
Your eyes burn under the tinted lenses, tears pressing hot against the edges. You remember her laugh without meaning toâ the way it used to split open a room, how it used to hit you like the sun catching on glass. Tons of memories appear and disappear so suddenly that your throat closes around them.
Ellieâs mind is already trying to walk somewhere else as she forces herself to take the next step inside. But the numbness sheâs been clinging to all day falters the second sheâs close enough to see the shape of you in the chair.
You both want to do everything at onceâvomit, scream, run, jump from the window, kiss, hug, fight, bolt to an island where no one knows your names, where nothing like this could have ever happened. Where nothing at all had ever happened. Where the concept time ceased to exist. Where sheâs still yours and youâre still hers, and the rest of the world rots, far, far away.
But you don't do anything.
She sits across from you, slow and deliberate, as if sheâs afraid of waking something volatile. Between you, unspoken and blinding, is the same truth thatâs always been there: no matter how much you try to hide, thereâs something in each other you canât unsee.
Itâs ridiculous. The two of you dressed like matching shadows, both concealing yourselves behind darkened glass from strangers at a table that know too much and eyes around the globe that you can't see, yet still canât hide from each other.
Your nails find your covered thigh under the table. You pinch hard. Then harder. A small, sharp pain over and over, trying to prove you can wake up if you try hard enough.
You keep doing it, waiting for the snap, the jolt thatâll pull you out of this. But the bruise is already there, deepening under your skin, and the fluorescent lights are still buzzing, and Ellie is still sitting across from you.
Not a dream. A nightmare made reality.
âFine,â Maryâyour publicistâis the first one to talk, her voice like ice cutting through the room. âBefore we even talk about how to clean this upââ she glances from you to Ellie like she canât decide which of you to strangle firstâÂ
âexplain why thereâs a sex tape of you both.â
The silence after that is suffocating.
Your pulse thrums in your ears, loud enough that you almost miss the scrape of Maryâs chair as she leans back. Your sunglasses feel suddenly too heavy, pressing into the bridge of your nose. You feel Rachelâs thumb move in a slow, grounding stroke, and itâs the only thing that keeps you from bolting out the door.
You clear your throat, but the words still come out in a shaky whisper. âWe⊠we dated. When we were teenagers.â
Across from you, Ellieâs head snaps up. Even with the sunglasses hiding her eyes, you can feel the way they lock onto you, how her skin prickles when she hears your voice.
âYeah,â Mary says, her voice low but not gentle in the slightest. âThat partâs pretty obvious. But why the fuck does a sex tape exist?â
The directness of it makes your chest burn. You look down at your lap like a guilty kid, at your thighs covered by black pants.
Across from you, Ellie exhales, forcing herself not to snap. âBecause we were nineteen and broke,â she says. Her voice doesnât shake. âWe didnât have any money. We were⊠stupid. Desperate. And in love.â
The sound of her voice jolts through you. You look up without meaning to, and thereâs something in the way she says it â as if handing you back a piece of your shared history youâve been pretending wasnât still yours. Your eyes sting, and you have to look away again before the tears push through.
âSo you⊠what?â Mary asks slowly from Ellieâs side. âYou filmed yourselves?â
âWe made an account,â Ellie says before you can. âBack when no one knew who we were.â
âAnd we made sure to keep it private,â you add quietly, your voice breaking on the edges. âWe deleted the videos and the account together.â
Maryâs brows lift, her voice rising with it. âVideos? Plural? So there's more? Are you two fucking kidding me?!â
You flinch. Rachelâs grip on your hand tightens. Ellieâs jaw clenches, the muscle twitching like sheâs physically holding herself back from saying something worse.
âI donât know how it resurfaced,â you say quickly, trying to inject some kind of calm into your voice, some kind of damage control. âMaybeâmaybe someone hacked the site, orââ
âOr maybe someone downloaded it back then and waited for the perfect time to leak it,â Ellie says, cutting in.
Mary lets out a short, humorless laugh. âPerfect time? Thereâs no perfect time for this.â She slams her palms down on the table, startling half the room. âDo you even understand what this is? This isnât bad press â this is a PR nuclear bomb. Iâve been on the phone with every studio exec from LA to London, trying to keep them from pulling contracts.â
Rachelâs voice cuts through, sharp as glass. âMary.â
But Maryâs already wheeling toward her. âNo, Rachel, donât even start. Iâve spent the last twelve hours trying to figure out if this is a deepfake or a fucking career death sentence, and now I find out itâs real?â
âI said donât start,â Rachel snaps. âThey were kids. They didnât leak it for a publicity stunt, they made a few private videos and took them down years ago. You want to crucify them for that?â
Mary scrubs a hand over her face, pacing a tight circle, then looking at you. âI donât care what or who they were then, I care about what and who they are now. Your brands are in flames. You want to know what the top comment was on Varietyâs post? âImagine being the director trying to make her cry on cue when the internetâs already seen her come on camera.ââ
The words slam into you like a punch. Your throat tightens; your nails bite into your thigh under the table.
Ellieâs voice spikes, sharp with heat. âYou donât need to throw that shit in her face.â
Mary turns to her, eyes narrowing. âThen help me understand. Help me fix this. Because right now, both your names are being dragged through the dirt, and people are already speculating that you leaked it yourselves. If thereâs anything else youâre not telling meââ
âThere isnât!â And then you snap, your voice cracks, but you donât care. âYou fucking think I wanted the entire world to see me naked?!â
Ellieâs head tilts at your tone, hearing the edge in it, the exhaustion beneath the anger. Her hands are clasped together so tightly in her lap you can see the tendons straining.
The silence fractures when Erin leans forward, palms flat on the table, her voice brisk, professional, and merciless.
âAlright, stop. Hereâs what weâre going to do.â She looks to Mary. âWe coordinate public statements, both of them separate but aligned, and we do it today. Within an hour.â
Her gaze cuts to one of the assistants at her side. âStart drafting. I want language ready in the next thirty minutes.â
Mary doesnât even look at you when she adds, âWe also have to initiate takedowns immediately. Scrape every copy, every repost, every screencap we can from the internet. DMCA, cease-and-desist, whatever we need. I donât care if we have to call in favors from every fucking tech lawyer in the state, I want that video gone yesterday.â
The room comes alive all at once â chairs scraping, phones being pulled from pockets, assistants murmuring into headsets, the low drone of legal jargon bouncing between corners. Erin is already on a call before sheâs even done speaking, pacing tight circles like a predator that smells blood.
Theyâre talking about you. About Ellie. About the thing that has both of your lives in flames. And theyâre talking like you arenât here at all.
Mary slides a yellow legal pad in front of her, clicking her pen. âThe statement from your sideââ she looks at you for only a second before flicking her eyes back down â âwill say you and Ellie dated briefly, years ago. That the video was private and you were hacked. No mention of any account, no mention of how many videos there were. We control the narrative, we donât owe the public a play-by-play.â
You open your mouth to speak, but she barrels on. âAndââ her tone sharpens â âbecause of Chris, your statement will include that you are in a happy, stable relationship, and that this leak is a gross violation of your privacy.â
One lie, one truth, you think.
Across the table, Erin is nodding. âSame with you, Ellie. Your statement will say this was a long time ago, something private you never thought would resurface. Keep it short, keep it cold, no details for the vultures to chew on.â
Ellie hasnât moved. Her sunglasses are still on, her jaw tight, and you canât tell if sheâs agreeing or if sheâs imagining throwing a chair across the room.
Mary looks at Rachel, tone clipped. âThe agencyâs already on the edge because of Chris. We canât have him blindsided in the press. And if he walks out from the relationship, you know exactly what happens to half the contracts in your queue.â
Rachelâs lips part like sheâs going to fight, but she closes them again, leaning back with her arms crossed. Her eyes cut to you â not pitying, but calculating, already searching for a way to keep you from breaking in the middle of the conference table.
On Erinâs end, one of her assistants murmurs something about âmedia cycleâ and âtiming drops,â and Ellieâs head turns slightly, as if sheâs hearing her own life reduced to bullet points.
Then twenty minutes pass, or maybe itâs been two hours. Itâs impossible to tell when time has stopped meaning anything except the space between your heartbeat and hers. The room still hums with the drone of voices â Erin, Mary, Rachel, and a half-dozen others trading strategies, deadlines, soundbites. Theyâve forgotten youâre there, or maybe theyâve decided youâre furniture now.
Your chest feels too tight to sit still.
You murmur something about needing air ânot loud enough to really ask for permission, not soft enough to be mistaken for anything elseâ and stand. You just leave, the scrape of your chair swallowed by the low static of the meeting.
Ellie sits there, eyes tracking you in the dark tint of her lenses. She watches the way you push the door open, the flash of daylight across your hair, the quick set of your shoulders. She swallows, turns her head toward Erinâs voice, then back to the door.
Five minutes later, she rises slow, careful, as if standing too fast might make the whole table look at her. She leaves her sunglasses on the table before stepping out into the corridor, letting the heavy conference room door click shut behind her.
Youâre on the terrace.Â
A sweep of glass and steel stretches into the skyline, the air still warm from the sun thatâs already dipping toward the horizon. The city sprawls below, impatient and loud. Youâre leaning back against the low wall, head tilted, looking at nothing in particular. Maybe the sky, maybe the reflection of the clouds in the hotel windows across the street. Your sunglasses are in your hand now, the skin around your eyes raw from salt and hours of rubbing.
From the doorway, Ellie stops.
She sees you in a way she hasnât in six yearsâno screens, no photographs, no subway ads. You. Here. Now. In front of her.
Her chest constricts, a painful, beautiful squeeze that feels like it could split her apart. She pinches the inside of her arm once, hard, just to make sure this isnât another dream sheâll wake from with wet eyes and clenched teeth. It hurts, and youâre still there.
Itâs not dramatic, no startle, no gasp. Just a slow turn of your head, as if you knew sheâd come eventually. Her sunglasses hide nothing now, her gaze bare in the open air and the open wounds.
And in that unflinching moment, you both feel itâalmost sick at how beautiful yet different the other looks. Your gazes are tired, worn at the edges, your features sharper, carved by the years apart. And still, somewhere in the lines and shadows, you each catch a glimpse of the younger selves you once knew, flickering through like ghosts. Your stomachs twist in unison.
Ellie walks towards you, each step like the space between you is a little alive thing sheâs trying not to scare off. She stops beside you, close enough that the air shifts with her warmth, her cologne threaded with faint cigarette smoke.
Neither of you speak until she pulls a pack of Marlboro Reds from her jacket, tapping the bottom so two filter tips peek out.Â
You didnât even mean to talk, but your mouth acts faster than you, as if speaking into a memory.
âYeah,â she replies, eyes still on you, offering one between two fingers. âDo you?â
You shake your head. âNo.â Then, after a breath that tastes like the past, âBut sure as hell I need one right now.â
When you take it from her, your fingers brush. Itâs barely a touch, skin on skin for less than a heartbeat, but itâs enough to feel the shock of recognition under your ribs, a spark that lights every part of you thatâs been dormant since the last time you touched each other.
Ellie then quickly lights hers, the flare of the match catching the hollow of her cheek, her auburn hair, those locks you used to thread your fingers trough. She turns toward you automatically, lifting the lighterâthe same motion she made a hundred times before, on sidewalks and fire escapes and the edges of your shared bed. Muscle memory, betraying her.
You take the lighter from her hand before she can close the distance, knowing by heart what she was about to do. Your palm slides against hers for an extra second you canât help but steal. You hold her gaze as you flick the wheel yourself, the tiny flame catching the cigarette between your lips.
âYou still hate the taste?â she mutters, her eyes locked on yours, entranced.
âOf these?â you ask, holding yours up slightly. âYeah.âÂ
You take another drag anyway.Â
Smoke curls up into the dusk between you, and for a moment, itâs almost like the years never happened.
Her mouth curves, not quite a smile, more like recognition. âSome things donât change.â
âSome do.â Your voice is softer now, and she catches it.
âYeah,â She hums under her breath, âSome do.â
Your eyes then fix somewhere over her shoulder, the edge of the sky where it blurs into the city, so you donât have to watch her face twist when your murmur,
âI canât believe this is how we see each other again.â
Ellie exhales smoke in a practiced stream, the red tip flaring once before dimming.
âYeah,â she says, voice quieter than you expected. âReal full-circle shit.â
Her jaw works, the muscles there tight, and she flicks ash to the pavement with a sharp little snap, as if the gesture could keep her hands from shaking. She leans her hip against the low wall beside you, close enough that you can feel the ghost of her movement but not so close that it would look like leaning.
âCouldâve been worse,â she adds after a beat, tilting her cigarette between her fingers as if weighing its truth. âCouldâve been a commercial.â
That earns her the smallest huff from you, not quite a laugh, not even close to humorâjust a sound with edges. Â
âCouldâve been not at all.â
You risk a glance at her then, brief. Sheâs watching you already, one hand in her pocket, the other curling loosely around the cigarette. She looks like sheâs carrying something too heavy to set down, and the sight of it makes your chest ache so sharply you have to look away again.
The lighter is still in your hand â you realize youâve been gripping it since you took it, thumb pressed hard enough into the metal to leave a faint dent in your skin.
âI donât know if that wouldâve been better or worse,â she says, finally.
You glance at her, âNot at all?â
Ellieâs mouth twists, as if chewing something bitter.
âNot seeing you for six years was bad enough. This? Feels like itâs trying to kill me.â
You look back at the skyline because itâs easier than looking at her.
âIt is,â you admit quietly. "It's trying to kill us both."
Ellie tilts her cigarette between her fingers, watching the ember flare when she drags from it. Silence creeps back in, but itâs not the same as before. Itâs heavier, loaded with the words youâre both dodging.Â
âItâs horrible,â she says finally. And thereâs no bite to it, no sarcasm, just the naked truth laid between you. âAll of this is horrible.â
âI know.â Your voice breaks on the last syllable, the sound so quiet it almost dissolves into the noise of traffic below. âI wishââÂ
You stop yourself before you can finish, clenching the lighter in your palm until it digs into your skin.
She runs her tongue along the inside of her cheek, inhales slow, eyes locked on you like sheâs trying to memorize you and forget you at the same time. Her knuckles flex around the cigarette before she drops it, grinding the ember out under her boot with the edge of her sole.
You drag in smoke and let it out in one slow, trembling exhale, then drop it to the ground too. You try not to think about how easy it would be to close the distance, to put your head on her shoulder the way you always did on nights when the world was too loud, when nothing existed except the warmth of her skin and the sound of her heartbeat in your ear.
Ellieâs fingers tap against her thigh, restless, like she's having the same thoughts as you. Her gaze flicks from your profile to your hand clutching the lighter, back to your red, watery eyes.
Neither of you move. Neither of you say what you actually mean. But the silence between you is so heavy you can feel it pressing into your skin.
The street noise is sharper, impatient. And beside you, Ellie feels less like someone youâd conjured from memory and more like someone dragged out of a dream you arenât nearly ready to have again.
âYouâre quiet,â she says at last, almost conversational.
âDidnât realize I was supposed to make this pleasant.â you reply, meaner than you intend, the mess of contradicting feelings creeping up in your head and tone.
âWasnât asking for pleasant,â she says, voice lower. âI justâlook. You donât have to worry. This⊠wonât tank your career.â
âMaybe not yours. But mine? It already is." The words slid under your skin and a bitter laugh slips out before you can stop it, resentment winning over love. "You already have prestige. This isnât gonna ruin you the way it will ruin me.â
Her jaw tightens, a flicker of something crossing her faceâimpatience, maybe, or the crack of a dam sheâd been holding for too long. All the feelings she's been bottling up for years.
When she spoke again, it was too fast, the kind of blow you throw before you can think about how deep itâll land. There was no calculation, no measured cruelty, no clever timing. Just the snap of the first nerve.
âWorried they finally figured out who you really are?â
Your head snaps towards her.Â
âThe fuckâs that supposed to mean?â
âDonât think I havenât seen the interviews.â Her shrug was a little too casual, the kind that masks anger. âYou talk like it never happened. Like we never happened.â
Your pulse kicks. âStill obsessed? Thought your little model girlfriend would keep you busy.â
âThatâs not your business,â she adds, edged like a warning.
âOh, but mine is yours?â Your voice rises, the control youâd promised yourself youâd keep slipping. âGuess what, Ellieâmy life, my career, the person I am now? None of it belongs to you anymore.â
She doesnât wonder. âNo. But I know what was real. And no red carpet, no magazine spread, and no little boyfriend will ever touch that.â
âYou have no fucking idea of what your talking about. Donât act like Iâm the one who forgot.â
Ellieâs gaze snaps up to yours, as if sheâd been waiting for the opening.Â
âI didnât forget.â You almost tell her to stop, you almost turn around. But then her voice softens â just enough to make it worse. âIt meant everything to me.â
Your throat aches, but you donât answer.
âThe only one who acts like it didnât,â she added, voice breaking on the edges, her face coming closer to yours, âis you.â
âFuck you,â you say, because anything else would have been too dangerous.
âAlready did. Three million views, apparently.â
You blink once, hard, your eyes stinging at her careless words. âYouâve changed.â
âYeah?â she shots back. âSo have you.âÂ
The words didnât sound like hersânot the hers you remembered, not the one who used to look at you like you were the only thing worth being gentle for. No, these belonged to the Ellie who had been festering in the dark for years, feeding herself on resentment and restless nights, on half-truths and grainy interviews sheâd watched through gritted teeth.
You step toward the door quickly, the cool metal handle biting your palm. âCongrats on the Emmy.âÂ
âThanks,â she said, the syllable too light, too casual for the weight between you. And thenâlike sheâd been holding it in her cheek, letting it dissolve until it was sharp enough to cutâ
âCongrats on your boyfriend. Heâs now got a full-length tutorial on how to make you come.â
You froze. Your hand locked on the door handle, the metal digging into your palm, grounding you just enough for the rage to hit like an undertow. There was no time to think, no tidy arrangement of words to choose fromâjust the white-hot instinct to hurt back.
The slap landed before you even knew youâd moved. Skin against skin, the sound loud enough to startle you, the recoil of her cheek beneath your palm jarring through your arm.
Your own breath betrayed you, hitching hard. Heat flooded your face, anger burning so fast it left you dizzy. The tears were instant, cutting down your cheeks in thin, scalding lines.
âYou donât even realize how fucking horrible this is! You have your Emmy, your status, your own name, everything i don't!â Your voice cracked and rang in the air like a dropped glass. "My career, my lifeâeverything Iâve worked for can be gone tomorrow, the entire world is watching us at our most vulnerable, and youâre here being petty? Youâre still so fucking childish!â
She didnât move. Didnât interrupt. Just stared, wide-eyed, as if she was watching you from miles awayâas if sheâd been waiting years for you to finally hate her out loud. And then, slowly, as if it took her by surprise, her own eyes began to gloss over.
âYou don't know me anymore,â you threw at her, voice unsteady under the weight of your own heartbeat. "And I sure as hell don't know you anymore!"
Something in her face broke at that. A faint wince. And then she movedâhesitant steps, like she expected you to vanish if she got too close. You barely registered her closing the gap before her arms were around you.
âDonâtâ!â you shoved at her shoulders, the coarse cotton of her shirt rough under your palms. âWhat are youâlet goâ!â
âNo.â Her voice was a raw, splintered thing. One hand cradled the back of your head, fingers sliding into your hair like she was holding the only lifeline sheâd been given. Her forehead dropped to your shoulder, and then she buckledâsilent at first, her body trembling against yours, her breath wet and uneven as her tears bled into your shirt.
You stood rigid, every instinct screaming to keep the walls up. But then came the soundâher breath catching, low and guttural, pulled from a place you remembered too wellâand your resolve faltered. Her thumb was tracing slow, desperate circles at the base of your skull, grounding you in a way that made your anger harder to keep hold of.
âIâm sorryââ her voice cracked so hard the word almost broke in two. âI didnât mean it. I swear to God, I didnât. I justâfuckâI canât stand that I havenât seen you in so long, and now youâre right here, and everythingâs so different. Iâm not mad at you, Iâm mad at the years. At all the shit we didnât get to say.â
You hated that you could feel it in your own chestâthe truth in her voice, the wreckage she was trying to hand you like an offering. You hated that the scent of herâsmoke and shampoo and the faint trace of the old cologne youâd once chosen for herâwas enough to make your body lean in even as your mind screamed to pull away.
Her chest pressed to yours, her fingers tangled in your hair, her heartbeat thudding erratically against your ribs as if it trying to remember a rhythm youâd both forgotten. And somewhere between the silence and the breath, the fight stopped being about careers or status or your relationships or the mess you're both in. It stopped being about winning at all.
And you finally broke. The dam inside you cracked with an audible ache, and you were moving before you even realizedâarms circling her, pulling her in, burying your face in the slope of her shoulder like it might be the only safe place left in the world. She stiffened for half a second, as if she couldnât believe youâd surrendered, and then she was holding you back tighter, almost bruising, her body starving for the weight of you.
It hit you all at once: that feeling you hadnât let yourself touch since the last time you saw her. You inhaled deep, greedyâher perfume, the faint salt of her skin, the heat radiating through her shirtâand it was surreal, almost frightening in how instantly it pulled you back to when she was yours. You werenât sure if your body knew it was the present, or if it thought youâd slipped through some impossible tear in time. It felt surreal.
I missed you so much, you mumble into her shoulder, so quiet you arenât sure if the words were even sound or just breath.
She doesnât hear it, or maybe just convinced herself she imagined it.
You pull back only slightly after what feels like hours, just enough to breathe, but not enough to break the pull between you. The air feels thick here, in this fraction of space, a small, suspended world where nothing exists beyond the two of you. Your eyes lock, and for a moment itâs like staring into a mirror warped by timeâeverything familiar, but older, heavier, steeped in years of absence and things unsaid.
Then her gaze moves, subtle but devastating, slipping down for the briefest, dangerous second to your lips. The motion is so small you almost doubt it happened at all but the shift in the air is undeniable, charged.
You're close enough that she can count the lashes on your cheek when you blink. Her pupils are blown wide, and when her eyes flick back up to yours, itâs with the barely restrained force of someone standing on the edge of something theyâre not sure theyâre allowed to want.
And then the door flew open.
âBabe, are you okay? You gotta help us withââ
Rachelâs voice cut through the moment like glass shattering, sharp and jarring, slicing the air between you before either of you could make sense of what might have happened next.
You both flinchedâan instinctive, almost physical recoil. The spell broke so violently it left you unsteady, the ground beneath you suddenly too real, too solid after the strange, suspended weightlessness of being close.
You stepped back first, a motion that felt like ripping velcro, every inch of separation tugging against the stubborn need for her touch. Your fingers rose automatically to your cheeks, brushing away the tear tracks with the kind of speed that comes from practice. You could feel her eyes on you, heavy and unblinking, the way they used to follow you through a room.
Not even five seconds later, you turn to Rachel, your sunglasses already halfway up your face. The hinge clicked softly as you slid them into place, and with them, the rest of you followedâa practiced composure snapping into place over exposed edges.
âYeah,â you said, voice stripped of warmth, its cool steadiness a weapon and a shield in one. âLetâs go.â
You donât look back at Ellie.Â
àżâĄ Ë.*àł OH MY GOD. WHAT A CHAPTER HUH. 15k words and these two little lesbians didnât even speak to each other đ lord have mercy we are in for some serious yearning. sorry iâm a certified yapper and had to explain their entire tragic little backstories LMAOOOO but donât worry⊠the drama is coming next chapter. and i mean DRAMA. love you all endlesslyâthank you so, so much for reading đ
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