therefore.

hihi everyone i’m super excited to be here! jinseo is less excited to be here but u know (shrugs) here’s his basic bio and also a more detailed bg!! (tw for parent death and depression)

basic info and ( a sad amount of) plots under the cut!

the only other sound in the range that could have possibly covered the echoing clatter of the gun falling to the metal platform was the clicking of ammo being slid into sujin’s gun or the hum of the air conditioning. her eyes shoot up automatically in surprise, immediately noting the bright red color of jinseo’s face. 

for his own sake, she shakes her head, agreeing not to make a comment. she returns her focus to her own weapon, only glancing back up at him once he is lining up his next shot. he clearly isn’t comfortable with a gun, judging by all the pressure in his shoulders and his unsteady stance.

she remembers the first time she learned to shoot a powered weapon, something other than her trustworthy bow. the noise and the recoil traveling through her untrained arms startled her so much, she dropped the thing immediately. but when she learned how to stand, hold the gun, and aim properly, the push back of a shot reminded her more of a reassuring pat on the shoulder.

just before he was about to press the trigger again, she spoke up. “um, you might want to widen your stance a little. shift your weight and square your shoulders and the recoil won’t be as rough,” she suggested, trying to not sound judgmental with her words. you really could injure your wrists or arms with a bad stance.

     he hates this.

     he hates appearing weak or like he needs assistance. it’s awful, and he can hear his blood rushing in his ears as he waits for his embarrassment to subside. he really can’t focus, and it doesn’t help that he’s never been good at shooting either. and that he’s in here with someone else who he’s not close to. 

     part of him wants to give up, to just leave and try again another day. but he knows that if he gives in, he probably will make excuses the next time he feels like he wants to go shoot. so he’s going to stick through it for a bit at least. until his wrists give up on him, apparently. 

     (he couldn’t do that. not when he’s primarily a sword user.)

     he lines up the gun to the target again, closing one eye to try to aim better. it’s difficult when he’s never been very good at shooting, and his wrist is still somewhat smarting from the recoil from his earlier shot. but he’s got to keep going. part of him has managed to ignore sujin in the room, wanting to focus. 

     then she speaks. jinseo frowns slightly, his initial reaction being immediate annoyance but he realizes that she’s trying to give him some advice. he bristles but also forces himself to relax. he’s a senior agent, for god’s sake! he needs to get over his thing with demon agents—his mind briefly flashes to dojoon—and he swallows down any biting words he might have said and does as she suggests. 

my mind is always crowded, overflowing with random thoughts i can’t do this

     training for long range shooting is not something that had ever really crossed his mind. even when seb had wanted to help him with it, he had sort of just shot a few bullets and then decided that nah, it wasn’t for him. mostly, it was because he always had jina as a backup in fights and well—it’s possible that he’s pushed her away from him enough as of late that she will be looking out for someone else rather than him. 

     either way, he’s in the shooting range since he’s pretty much done all that he can to help with the move. he’s not someone who’s super strong or anything, and his enhancement isn’t really trained to save someone from anything too big so he’s not the most useful to do much aside from help pack up his apartment. which he had done, and had struggled with parting with some paints. he had ended up dropping those off with the people in the civilian kindergarten in hopes that he could maybe retrieve them after the move.

     so he’s in the shooting range, if only to try to take his mind off of literally everything that’s happening currently. 

     he’s so focused—on shooting badly apparently since his aim has not improved—he doesn’t hear @miaxsujin step into the area either. it’s big enough that she probably wouldn’t bother him if she decided to start shooting too, but he would rather not do poorly in front of a demon. 

     too late. 

DOYUN !!

the move has been a weird experience. it sort of brings doyun back to the days when they were first picked up by seaside agents and brought into the agency to live. the chaos of going from places they were use to and being forced to learn a whole new location. these halls that are now so familiar to him have been littered with packing cubes and bags. things piled high that are going to leave with them and things they are going to be destroying for safety concerns. 

he wonders how fast the city of invicta will take back this land. will they ever be able to come back to meia? the place that has been home for almost all his life? the demons are bound to investigate the area once they leave. he can’t imagine they would ever be returning to invicta–not in his time at least. 

and everyday more things change. some good some bad, and doyun is learning how to take it all in stride–not very well, but he’s trying. at the very least he still has seb he can rely on, the baby agent grateful to not been moved team leaders even if he generally likes all the other leaders. seb is his rock in the rough waters and doyun isn’t sure he would make it through all of this without the senior agent. 

so lost in his thoughts he almost misses jinseo waving him down as he enters into the cafeteria. the teen had been hungry after helping out in the tech labs and so he wandered in to see if there was anything to munch on. steps echoing around him as he diverts his path towards the now senior agent. “seoseo, helloo.” he greets with a wave of his hand. amused at the strawberries jinseo is eating. “how do we still have strawberries in this building with you around? did they make a multiplication serum or something?” 

     if he’s a bit surprised by the nickname, he tries his best not to show it and just shrugging at the question that doyun directs towards him. he’s genuinely not sure how the kitchen seems to keep getting strawberries, but he does tend to be the only one who eats them. apparently. or at least, everyone knows he likes them or something. he’s not quite sure how it works but he somehow always manages to get his hands on some if they’re in stock.

     “a multiplication serum?” jinseo echoes, enjoying the thought of that, especially when it came to strawberries. “i feel like that’s a great idea—maybe we should ask alistair if he can make one?”

     he laughs, and offers doyun one of the strawberries he has in front of him. who said he didn’t like to share? if he’s honest, he often doesn’t but he’s been feeling fond of doyun lately even if he can’t say the same for the other’s twin. (though that’s probably also the denial speaking, since it had only been a month or so since he had attempted to reach out and mend some bridges. he can’t say he did well at that attempt, but it had been something at least. compared to before.)

everything’s hard because we’re young the happiness only lasted for a while, oh my

     it’s been a while since the first mission had passed by. a while since he had tried to sacrifice himself for @miadoyun to live, only to be saved by doyun from within the rubble. he doesn’t remember much of it, only really remembering everything from before the building had collapsed on him.

     everything after is a blur, only coming to him in bits and pieces.

     life has sort of gone back to normal, aside from having to pack up everything to head out of meia and also the fact that he had been promoted to being a senior agent. it’s sort of weird for him, considering that he doesn’t really feel ready to be one. but he had talked to his sister and he had talked to daesu and he had talked to seb and that had made him feel better about the decision.

     but nothing has really changed too much, aside from the little add-on that doyun seemed to have forgiven him for the past transgressions regarding dojoon—or perhaps he just felt guilty for the fact that jinseo might now have made it back alive. either way, he’s always around nowadays and jinseo isn’t quite sure what to make of it. he doesn’t really want to address it though, considering that he’s not sure what the reason behind it is. either way, he had missed the friendship from the younger and he decides he won’t question it too much.

JINA !!

getting up from the position that they’re in is a little bit of a challenge, given that she’s always loath to disturb him when he looks so comfortable. but she reminds herself that they’re going to head back to bed, which will be infinitely more comfortable than anything else, and it’s with that thought in mind that she shifts them around until she can get up, helping her twin up at the same time, tucking a lock of messy long hair behind his ear, a small smile on her face as she does so.

she remembers how they used to match as children, both of them sporting cute pigtails, how they had sometimes been indistinguishable at night and in the morning when their parents had come to wake them up, all cuddled together as though in the womb again.

even though jinseo says that he should wash up, jina isn’t surprised when he ends up shaking his head, having guessed that the thought would be too much for him when the comfort of bed is calling for him. “it’s okay,” she reassures him gently, hugging him around the waist as they make their way towards the two doors that stand just a little apart from each other. “let’s go sleep in my room, okay?” it’s not uncommon to do that — she never wants to bring him back to the place where he’d spent his morning, struggling to get up, but to a brighter room that doesn’t hold those associations.

pushing open the door for them, she lets him go when they’re close to the bed, pulling the blankets back to give her brother room to climb in, heading around to the other side. they’re consistent — always using the same side since childhood, and once they’re both under the covers, she lifts an arm in a silent invitation for him to come and cuddle in, just like they did when they were younger.

“it’s going to be okay, jinnie.” she whispers.

     he makes a soft sound under his breath and doesn’t say anything else, mostly just feeling a bit sad in general. there are days when he doesn’t want to do anything at all but wallow in his own thoughts and bed, but he always manages to force himself to at least get up and find his sister because he knows that she’ll know what to do. he’s never had to worry about anything with her around, and he’s genuinely very glad that he’s always had her in his life. 

     it’s quiet as they slowly make their way to jina’s room, every one of his limbs feeling weak and like jelly from not having moved. perhaps it’s just because his brain hates him too, but each step feels like it takes way too much effort and he doesn’t really want to put in that work either. it’s awful, because he’s usually very agile and light on his feet, but right now every step feels like he dragging a ton of rocks behind him. like a figurative ball and chain is connected to both feet. 

     but when they get there, and he’s quietly climbed into her bed, he feels a lot of the tension bleed out of him. maybe being in his own room, where he had been wallowing all morning was draining him or something.

     he glances over once she’s also in bed, quietly scooching closer when she’s given him the go ahead to cuddle and he lets out a little, soft sigh. it’s not one of contentment, but there’s a least a bit more life in it (and him) than there had been even just moments before when they had been on the couch. in his mind, bed had always meant safe. even when they were hiding from demons in run down areas, bed had always been the place they had managed to secure as a safe place to sleep. 

JINA​

her lips curve up in response to her brother’s accusation, eyes crinkling up in fond amusement. she doesn’t think he’s surprised that she’s not surprised, after all. her brother has never been the most aware of his own feelings, and she highly doubts that there will ever come a time when that will change to a point that he notices before she does.

she just knows him too well.

“uh huh…” she says slowly, wondering why in the world he’s trying to be mysterious about this crush of his. “you don’t really want to be near me that often anymore,” she dismisses his weak attempt at deflection impatiently, pouting a little bit. “why are you being so vague? jinnie, you’re so annoying. just come out and say it,” she huffs as she reaches out to poke his side.

“of course it’s bothering you, if you can’t even admit it to me…” she grumbles. “surely it couldn’t be someone a little shorter than me… cute cheeks… vaguely resembles a quokka,” she rolls her eyes playfully. as though she wouldn’t know who her brother has been longing after for who knows how long.

     “vaguely ... resembles ... a quokka ...?” he echoes, trying to remember what animal that was. it’s a bit confusing for a second, as he wracks his brain for what animal a quokka was before he remembers someone having shown him a video of ‘the happiest animal on earth’ and his eyes widen immediately at the very accurate comparison his sister had just made.

     he had never even thought about that, only ever having directly compared dojoon to a squirrel.

     considering jina had mentioned cute cheeks specifically, jinseo knows without saying anything that she knew who he was talking about. it’s honestly unfair how well his sister knows him, and he’s pretty sure it’s illegal. or something. he’s pretty sure, just don’t check a lawbook or anything. 

JINA !!

her brother clings to her, and she can’t do anything but run a hand through his hair, her heart aching with his pain. it’s difficult to be in this situation, where she can tell that jinseo is obviously regretful, but that the words he spoke (hurtful) and the actions he’d taken (deadly) cannot be retracted so easily. he feels like he’s trying to shrink into her arms, as though her embrace can protect him from the hurts of this world, and she wishes that she could do that.

it’s always a fine line that she walks between being his sister, who will love him unfailingly, and the voice of reason to temper his emotions. she loves him both for and in spite everything and anything he does, for how could she not — he’s her other half and they have shared not only the womb together but their entire lives. if soulmates existed, he would be her other half. there’s no question about it — there’s no one in the world that she trusts more than she trusts jinseo, and she’s fairly sure that it’s the same for him, too. even if the world burns, as long as they have each other’s backs, she thinks they’ll have a good chance of making it through. but at the same time, it’s her love for him that makes her call him out when he’s done something wrong, when he’s being unreasonable, even if it hurts.

but walking that line is so difficult, when he cries. she hates being the cause of his pain, even if she knows that it’s needed in the long term. more often than not, she falls short of being able to be firm, always too soft. for the longest time, she’d avoided it, in fact — let so much slide simply because she was afraid of losing him when it was just them, and he was losing himself. she couldn’t lose her grip on him, because she had been the only tether he still had. but now that they’re at meia, she’s not the only one who speaks reason to jinseo — and things are getting better. or so she’d thought.

in the end, as always, jina cannot bear to push him too far.

hugging him tightly, she sighs a little bit, her own shoulders slumping in defeat. she’s going to give in. she’s already recognized this, and it’s with a soft, resigned tone in her voice that she says quietly, “you must be exhausted.”

there is no point in pushing him when jinseo himself cannot seem to process his thoughts and emotions, she reasons to herself, knowing full well that it’s at least partially an excuse, even if there are kernels of truth. after he rests, we can talk about it.

“i think you should rest first,” she says faintly. the unspoken we’ll talk about it later hangs in the air, but for now — for now, she’ll let it go.

     his eyes are puffy and so are his cheeks—he thinks he must look a total mess and also probably like how he used to when he would cry for every little thing when they were younger. he had never been good at processing his own emotions, always the type to cry in hopes of getting something offered to him that would make him feel the way he wanted to. whether it be hugs, or kisses, or treats, or food. it usually worked, but he remembers how their mother used to fondly call him a crybaby and comment on his puffy eyes. 

     he had cried so much as a kid that he had perpetual puffy eyes almost. 

     honestly speaking, he wasn’t crying as a way to get out of the trouble he had gotten himself into. he’s not that type of person to try to get out of punishments he knew he deserved, but it wasn’t like he could help it. it was sort of a defence mechanism, or something, but he doesn’t really control it. 

     either way, he knows he was in the wrong but he also doesn’t know what had happened. when he had seen dojoon, it felt like something, someone had taken over his body and raised the gun to his friend’s—ex-friend?—head. nothing makes sense anymore and he doesn’t want to think about anything anymore, not when all his thoughts are all jumbled around in his head. it’s exhausting, and the time he had spent inside the interrogation room had only made him more tired. 

     his eyes are heavy and so is his heart.

     “... okay,” he whispers in reply to his sister’s words, leaning his head on her shoulder and closing his eyes. he wishes he could just hide here from the world, as if she could protect him from everything. he wishes. 

     hopefully everything will make more sense in his brain after a nap, or a sleep. he’s not even sure how long it’s been since he had seen dojoon and all the events that had happened since then. is it dinner time? lunch? the next day? everything felt like a lifetime ago. hopefully all his thoughts will line up in a linear fashion so he can make sense of everything that he wants to say. 

JINA !!

it should come as absolutely no surprise that whenever she sneaks away to hide in one of her many hiding spots, the one person who can always find her is her twin. sometimes it’s irritating, like when she needs a moment to herself to contemplate whatever is happening — he can always find her. but it’s the same vice versa, too.

but today, she has no need to hide — just enjoying the blue sky and the sunny weather, sitting on the grass where they often have their picnics. it’s not a hidden place, nor had she sought to be alone, so she’s not entirely surprised when a presence makes itself known beside her, nor when that presence winds up being her brother. 

“hi to you too,” she responds easily, a smile coming onto her face, eyes crinkling up in amusement. but what jinseo says next completely catches her off guard — not because she hadn’t known about his crush, but because he had been the one to bring it up to her. 

“oh? tell me about it,” she says with interest, turning to look at her brother. if it’s not who she thinks it is, then she’ll be very confused. 

     “you don’t sound surprised,” he accuses her immediately, and his suspicions are proven correct. as always, jina knows him better than he knows himself sometimes and he wonders how much she suspects already. he had only come to the realization a few days ago, catching himself after one of the quidditch parties and he wonders if everyone knows aside from him.

     he wouldn’t be surprised at this point. 

     it tends to be how things go around gryffindor tower, especially with their group of friends. it’s awful actually, he’s not quite sure how it always happens to him but it does. and he hates it. 

     deciding to keep it vague for now, jinseo doesn’t go into too much detail yet. he doesn’t want to just come right out and admit the crush he has, and he wants to try to figure out how much she knows or has guessed so far. “there may or may not be someone on the quidditch team that i ... keep wanting to be near. that isn’t you, of course.” 

DOJOON !!

his role as a hero doesn’t cease, filled with sleepless nights that’ll have him wander into the streets with nothing but the blanket of darkness to keep him company. a friendly neighbourhood spiderman patrols his area without any complaints, seeking to protect those within his reach no matter the cost. that’s the motto that he has been living, the responsibility that he’s willing to bear.

tonight is no different. once he had gotten word of a robbery close by, he’s quick to head in that direction. he had just finished talking it up with someone trying to steal a car. the conversation started well at first, in his opinion, but—well, it shouldn’t be surprising that it ended with a brawl.

before he left for his next location, he rang the police. sometimes they’re just too slow. so it’s even more ironic for a certain someone to say he was late the moment he arrived.

looking around at the sight the less than friendly neighborhood cat had left behind, he can’t help but whistle in astonishment. “aren’t you a feisty one?” he comments. “and to think you were one of these guys back then. look at you turning a new leaf. i’m so proud of you!”

there’s a smile under his mask, one he’s not sure the other can sense or not. “me? take credit? no, no, no. no way! i will let you have this one. as long as i’ll be the lucky guy who can take credit for something else. what, you ask?” he pauses briefly for dramatic effect. “oh you know, just for being the one to bring you into the light.” there’s a playful tone as he speaks, a chuckle following afterwards. “so, what do you say?”

     he rolls his eyes, knowing it would be easily seen behind his mask. of course, his own mask only just covers his eyes, his hair and most of his face is visible behind it. he doesn’t need to hide, not when he’s never been caught. at least, not by the cops. 

     “it’s not a new leaf—don’t put me in the category that you’re in,” jinseo scoffs slightly, crossing his arms over his chest. it’s true, he’s not holding his punches and he’s not getting rid of these robbers for the good of the city or whatever romantic bullshit dojoon liked to spout at him. if he’s honest, he doesn’t really quite know why he’s doing it. 

     it’s definitely not to just so happen to run into the masked hero. definitely not. 

     “you know what—you can take credit for it,” he shoots back, also taking a few steps away when he realizes how close dojoon had gotten to him. he still doesn’t trust the other that much, despite the many chances that he’s had of perhaps catching him. actually, spiderman has had many chances to catch him and turn him in, with how lax he’s been getting with his own defenses. 

      maybe he’s getting soft, letting his guard down. that wouldn’t be good. “i live in the shadows for a reason, spiderman. you’re the one in the spotlight, not me. that’s not something i desire.” 

guess, i'm wishing my life away with these things i'll never say

     he thinks maybe it’s time for him to face his thoughts head on—and by that he means maybe it’s time for him to tell his sister about the maybe crush that he has. he’s not quite sure if that’s what he would classify how he feels about his fellow gryffindor quidditch teammate but he doesn’t know how else to classify his feelings. 

     not that he has feelings or anything.

     (groan)

     finding his sister @miajina isn’t hard—they’re twins after all, and he probably knows all of her hiding spots as well as she knows his aka very well. it’s awful sometimes, when he just wants to be alone but she can find him after maybe only a few tries. which is annoying, because he has a lot of different hiding spots and yet she can always find him within three. though, it’s the same vice versa so he can’t be too mad. 

i'll make you say wow whatever i do or don't do, however i live

     he hates that he’s gotten used to looking around whenever he hears a scuffle outside. tonight, it’s a robbery and he’s arrived quickly because he had been nearby. he can’t help that he keeps an eye out on the surroundings as he makes quick work of the burglars, considering they’re no match whatsoever for him. they might think so, since he’s much slimmer and lithe, compared to ... the other person that roams the city to protect the streets.

     but he’s trained himself enough to be tough, and he has no trouble holding his own again the group of burly men that were attempting to rob a bank. “poorly planned,” jinseo taunts them, smirking a bit as he dusts off his hands after tying them all up with rope and he tuts for good measure, clicking his tongue. “think the cops are coming?” 

     there’s a lull in the conversation as he wonders on what he should do. he’s always been better at behind the scenes sort of things, and originally it was him that was robbing the banks. which is hilarious that he’s stopping it this time. he frowns, crossing his arms across his chest. this is all—

DOJOON​ !!

if there’s anything dojoon had learned from the incident that turned him into something inhuman, it was that the world isn’t kind enough to grant him, or anyone, any warning signs. within several moments, everything he knew had changed—his own body, the people around him, and the treatment he’s receiving from those he thought loved him. what was supposed to be an easy mission turned into something else entirely. although they’ve been told that this next mission can be dangerous, nothing could have prepared him for this. whatever this is.

the first red flag should have been that he was separated from his brother. everything went downhill from there—he couldn’t contact doyun, the head agents began experiencing troubles of their own, and there were too many casualties to count. doyun could have been one of them, and dojoon wouldn’t have been there to try and protect him. but just like before, something took mercy on them and doyun was saved once again.

even after everything they’ve been through, even though the memory of a gun against his head remains fresh in his mind, even with his belief that he’d never be allowed within jinseo’s orbit again—he knew doyun would be okay with jinseo. because despite all that they are, all that they never will be now, jinseo doesn’t stop caring.

( maybe he can’t believe that for himself yet, but at the very least, he knows jinseo wouldn’t abandon doyun. that in itself is more than enough for dojoon. )

still… that doesn’t mean dojoon is glad with the circumstances afterwards.

jinseo was hurt. badly. a building fell on top of him—dojoon couldn’t stomach listening to the details, nor was it in his right to know. considering their last encounter, there’s a higher probability that jinseo doesn’t want him to get involved at all. the fact of the matter is: jinseo could have gone before any of this was resolved; before dojoon could affirm jinseo’s importance in his life, even if jinseo doesn’t want to be a part of it anymore. it’s a different sense of dread, knowing that he could have lost someone before they could fix the string that binds them. dojoon is aware that their time together might have already run its course, but he’d rather it be decided by jinseo—not by death; taking away everything he ever held dear once again.

dojoon doesn’t deserve to hear jinseo’s laugh anymore, it’s not his place to draw the beautiful melody out of the other’s lips. but if he could ask for anything—he’d like to know that jinseo is still laughing, still smiling, still alive. it doesn’t matter how jinseo feels about dojoon, as long as he’s still here with him; avoiding his gaze, denying him, dismissing his existing, but existing with him regardless.

sometimes he wonders whether the universe is trying to tell him he’s asking for too much.

he thought of visiting the other boy, to thank him even. but the moment he stepped into the makeshift medical bay to be with his brother, he lost his confidence. it doesn’t feel like something he should be doing, not when his presence could make jinseo spiral into a state worse than he’s already in. so he bites back his tongue, he keeps walking past where he knows jinseo resides, he ignores that strong desire of his to run to jinseo and make sure jinseo’s heart is beating properly on his own. he pushes through that loud urge, despite the heavy steps he takes. all he did was take a quick glance; not at all enough to satiate the overwhelming need.

dojoon hasn’t seen jinseo since. until today.

they find themselves within each other’s sphere in the cafeteria, of all places. dojoon can’t tell what compelled him to look towards the entrance when he did, but it makes sense in the end—it’s jinseo, after all. even though he isn’t trying to, he’s always looking for the heart he lost; the one he gave to jinseo without his old friend knowing. what surprises him was instead jinseo’s actions, closing what dojoon thought was an infinite distance between them. without a word from the agent, dojoon was offered a box of milk.

he’s not sure whether he should laugh or cry. instead of either, dojoon smiles, like he always used to whenever he’s around jinseo.

“hey there,” dojoon says, sounding a little hesitant. jinseo may have approached him first, but that doesn’t mean dojoon had been granted a free pass to start a conversation. and yet, those urges that he managed to contain from that time returns with a vengeance, clawing at his chest and climbing out of his throat. “i heard about what happened. how are you?” he asks before he could swallow his words back down, wishing he could simply bite on his own tongue. maybe he could, it’s not like it would hurt him too much.

they’ve reached this point already, though. surely it means… something.

tapping on the chocolate milk, he nods jinseo’s way. “thanks for this. and for… everything else.” there’s no way anything he’s going to say could encapsulate how grateful he is for jinseo, nor could they ever express how elated he feels knowing that jinseo is still alive. “i knew… that doyun was safe with you. and i was right.” finally, he gathers enough courage to face jinseo—even if jinseo wouldn’t return the sentiment. what matters is that he says this; “i’m glad he was with you,” he breathes out, only a fraction of everything he wants to say. but he knows better; he’s giving jinseo a way out of the conversation.

but there must be a reason why jinseo sought him out, right? it might be wishful thinking on his part. considering how cruel fate can be, this chance rendezvous could end up amounting to nothing. dojoon tries to remind himself of that; jinseo doesn’t feel the same way about him anymore. hoping hurts. even so, his heart remains stubborn.

even if he loses everything now, he’d endure it by thinking of jinseo.

     with everything that had happened, maybe he’s thinking differently now. 

     maybe it had taken the concussion and the injuries and the sacrificing his life for someone else’s to knock some sense into him. maybe jina was right all along and he was being stupid for pulling the stunt that he had with the gun. in his defence, he didn’t know what he was doing at the time. everything that felt like it was happening too fast for him to control himself, and also too slow to be able to do anything other than what had happened. 

     but in many ways, nothing had changed. perhaps his own outlook had changed a bit. he knows he had thought of only one thing when he had been on the last dredges of his life, when he had been about to die. and that one thing was dojoon. 

     it’s weird. he still doesn’t know what this means, considering that they had been rather hostile towards each other since the incident that had turned dojoon into a demon agent. or, rather, in retrospect it’s only ever been jinseo that had been acting hostile but he still doesn’t really know how to deal with himself. most of him is just really confused, since he had never really had anyone in his life outside of his parents and jina. and then it was only jina for many, many years until they had found meia on accident. 

     then there had been. more people. more friends. 

     years and years of only surviving to see the next day, never knowing what they were doing and only wanting to keep living. and then suddenly he was making friends. and perhaps it was a testimony to the fact that he didn’t really understand anyone as well as he knew jina, that he was messing everything up now. 

     one day, he had had dojoon and doyun by his side. the four of them chatting and laughing. like they were in their own little world. he was always with dojoon, finding that they clicked well and the other male always seemed to understand whenever he accidentally overstepped a boundary that he didn’t know existed or whatever. maybe it had meant something then.

     he doesn’t want to think about it though, caught up in these thoughts that plagued his brain. and now? now they were here. 

     now they were here. 

     the mission had almost felt like a wake up call of some sort—he just didn’t know what it was trying to tell him. but he also knows that, he needs to get over this animosity that he felt whenever he was around dojoon or daesu would probably scold him again. teamwork, blah blah. 

     maybe this, this meeting in the cafeteria, was another sign from the universe. maybe it was telling him something too. but, unfortunately, jinseo wasn’t very good at reading signs. he wasn’t well-versed in this and was definitely probably doing it wrong. he hadn’t even thought of what he had wanted to do when he had sat down. the extra chocolate milk had been a random idea, an impulsive decision and he thinks that now he knows that jina was always the smart one of the ahn twins. he feels like he’s forgotten how to breathe the moment he had placed the chocolate milk down, waiting for dojoon’s reaction to it. 

      a heartbeat. then two. 

      three.

      the response that he gets is not one that he was expecting, all things considered. he had mostly expected dojoon to take the milk and not say anything. maybe their fight had always been one-sided, after all. that’s not something that he’s ready to acknowledge though, and he swallows down anything that he was going to say in greeting in return. he doesn’t know what to say, but he watches dojoon as he speaks, taking in the feature that he had been so used to seeing everyday and then had deprived himself of. 

     “i’m ... okay,” jinseo replies, thinking there was nothing as fitting as those words right now to describe how he was feeling. he didn’t say ‘fine’ because that would be a lie—he doesn’t know if he would ever feel ‘fine’ again. the word almost felt too contrary for the world that they were living in. a world where everything could be ruined within a day, within a few hours even. the last mission had taught him that, and maybe he was trying to make up for the bridges he had burned when he had pulled the gun on the other all those months ago. maybe he’s trying to fix things. even he doesn’t know. 

     he listens intently as dojoon speaks even though all he does is take a bite of his sandwich. he’s not really sure what the food is, but it tastes good and the more important thing is that it fills his stomach. he opens his own chocolate milk to take a sip, nodding to show that he’s listening even if he’s not looking at dojoon anymore. part of him is scared that if he looks for too long, he won’t be able to look away. he hadn’t allowed himself to look very much since they had stopped being friends, though he had chanced some glances in hopes of seeing a smile. 

      he looks anyway.

      but he looks away when dojoon turns to face him, maybe his cheeks a bit warm because he feels like he’s been caught red-handed. “it’s thanks to ... doyun ... that i’m okay,” he says in reply, not wanting to make it seem like jinseo was the hero in the story. that wasn’t really the case at all.