Never Settle For Less Than You Deserve

#TheJourney #SavannahSmiles #chaperfromthebookillneverwrite #GADAwareness #MentalHealth #LateNightThoughts

Anxiety is so hit and miss and I really really wish I could just educate people on it so that they are more aware.

I really want to start writing again. Writing use to help me escape from my daily life. Writing helps me express my feelings and at least get out some of this pent up emotion. I'm going to try to write again, Or at least make a list or something.

"You don't look sick" "I've never seen you have a panic attack." "You are just exaggerating, calm down." "Really? There's nothing wrong with you." "It's all in your head." "How are you all of a sudden not feeling well." Mental illness isn't cut and dry, I have good days and bad days. I have days where I can leave my house and days where I'm afraid to leave my bed. I take naps to escape from my constant fear, worry, and stress. I basically use sleeping as a way to avoid life. I don't go out places, I'm uncomfortable most of the time, I cry a lot and I over analyze EVERYTHING. There is never a moment when I am not worrying about something. I even have nightmares about my fears and worries 50% of the time. But I don't "look sick" and it's "just in my head" so it isn't a legitimate excuse for most people when I say I have a panic attack disorder. There needs to be more awareness, there needs to be more acceptance, there needs to be more help. Mental illness isn't something you can just "get over" It's something that I have to live with, and I really wish that people were more understanding.

I wrote this in a text to Adam & I thought it was kind of poetic. And the perfect example of anxiety & OCD I wish it was that simple. It's like a constant thing for me. I don't know how to function and NOT worry. It comes second nature, like breathing. I know people say "just stop" and "only you can control it" and I know that is the truth. But I have this obsessive annoying little voice in my head telling me everything that could go tragically wrong at any given moment and I can not get it to shut up!

Jan. 5 2015. I survived my first day at United health care. My first training day that is. I surely hope I can do this job. I could pay off my bills and actually pay mom and dad back a lot. I would say pay them back everything but there's no way possible I could ever repay them for being the amazing parents that they are or for everything they have given me.

Today, I went to my job at claires and worked. My positive thing for today would be that I am thankful to have not one job, but I currently have 3. I've been blessed to have these jobs and that is a positive note. Instead of complaining about working, I am happy and thankful that I actually get to go to work. I also read my bible today and I ate better. Trying to eat less carbs. Positive note: I'm just trying hard to stay positive.

I'm going to try this once again. Except this time, I will try harder to actually finish. I don't want to make a "New Years resolution" because it seems as if no one ever keeps them. I simply want to try and better myself. Eating better, losing a little weight maybe, and reading my bible daily along with writing one positive aspect about each day in 2015 down. I'm going to basically log on to this handy dandy website (Blues clues reference.😂) and write one positive sentence about each day of 2015. So bring it on 2015, I'm ready to better myself for me and NOT for anyone else.