Going Adrift

It was a variation of Jiang Nan hotpot in Makati. We were waiting for our orders to come. My AJ friends were with me. Even spooks was there. Someone just came out and through the open door, I saw you inside with someone from AJ whom I also knew. I don’t know what to think. I don’t want to think. But to me it looks like you two are dating. You both were smiling. The guy wears what he worn during…

Look at the Stars

It was a good day. We were in a neighborhood and we had our own house. I was the owner by the way but we also had boarders. We were like a small group of friends decided to live together in that big house. The backyard was filled with trees and the entrance had a nice passageway from the gate to the door. The over all interior was designed by my cousin and I didn’t know she could do such thing.…

It’s a cloudy day on an open field. There’s a stage and the production crew is at left side of it if you’re facing the stage. There’s a projector screen on both sides. I’m with a friend. She’s one of the photographers and videographers for the event. Her gear consists of a full frame camera, a Go Pro and a laptop. It had rained a bit which made the soil a bit muddy. And so our shoes were covered…

This is the True Magic

Dreamt on 2013/9/26 – We were in an indoor garden and there were a lot of kids. They’re picking up flowers and leaves from the plants inside. They were happy. Then a magician came in and performed magic tricks to them. They became happier. But the enthusiasm needs to be improved. So when the magician left, I went to their spot and said, “You want to see some real magic?”, and they all said,…

So I got to a room in the Novaliches mall. A big room. My highschool friends were there. It was a reunion. Most of us were guys. Only some of the girls in our batch were there.  At first, I was so happy that time when I saw all of them. It’s been so many years since I saw them. Some of them I saw in the streets of the business districts, bump them in the mall and some sort. So we sat in the…

I guess it all come down to this.

I’m just a nobody. I’m just trying hard to be somebody. I don’t believe in myself. I never have been. Every time I do something, I do it because I want people to acknowledge me, recognize what I’ve been trying to do.

I guess no one believed in me. And I found myself, always found myself staring at the empty space thinking about what I should’ve done in the first place and why I chose not to do it.

Here I am, still looking for that meaning. The meaning behind my existence, my purpose. A lot of times I’m just sleeping, sleeping my day all through out.

Dreaming about the things that I wanted to do most. I think I never have the chance to do those things but maybe, just maybe, I never let myself to take that leap of faith that I always tell people about.

I find it hard to admit that I never get to try it. The experiences of my friends when they are outside traveling makes me jealous of the capacity that they have. The chance to go out and explore.

I guess I never allowed myself to have that chance. That lots of lots of chance to be there somewhere, to get lost and be immersed in something that would make my stay here worthwhile.

This crisis going on inside me that I never show to the ones that I love. I think I don’t want to be guilty of being weak, of being succumbed to that overwhelming attention that I’m just a little thing. That I don’t mean anything.

This struggle that keeps me awake at night and even in the ungodly hours in the morning that makes me think of every thing or of any thing that is not unthinkable.

Maybe this is depression or anxiety on a different level. A level in which no one knows if it exists. A level that would leave you breathless, that would leave you quiet all the time.

So sick to not be there out, experience the whole world because you believe that this is just enough. That a page of a book, your own book is enough to describe your whole being. And the questions that bother you as you wake up would still remain there. Would still haunt you down for answers only you could tell.

Then you’re here, letting these words out of your mind, your restless mind. You ask this person if you can talk to him, to her because you just want to, because you feel that they will listen to you even if they don’t know you. That feeling that you’re searching for may be overcome with the help of these people.

These people that you’ve been watching for a long time but then you’re afraid. You’re afraid to speak out your mind because you fear that they won’t understand it. They won’t understand you and when they don’t you’re back again to where you are. In the corner of your room, covering your head with your blanket, with tears pouring from your eyes, unable to know the reason why you’re still alive and breathing.

You look at those pictures of memories where you see yourself smiling and you wonder why, why. Why did you do that? Why did you smile? What was the reason behind your smile? Or maybe you just faked it. No one knows except you. Then you ask yourself now, “Do I deserve this?” and a voice will tell you and answer you, “Yes, you do..”

“..but this is not the end.” And that makes you wonder. Wonder why the voice say that. Why this is not the end. Because you can’t tell and you know in yourself that you must do something, now.

Now is the time. Now is the only time for you to get your shit together. To get up in your own means.