seul contre le monde

“Most of our lives are spent trying to please people we eventually find out aren’t even good humans.”

Of course I’ll hurt you. Of course you’ll hurt me. Of course we will hurt each other. But this is the very condition of existence. To become spring, means accepting the risk of winter. To become presence, means accepting the risk of absence.

I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.

It was a toxic suffocation from the beginning. But I chose to ignore it. The warning signs were there, blaring words telling me to get out and protect myself before anything happened. But you calmed me. You spoke to the demons that haunted me and chased away the anxiety that plagued my body. You made me so certain that, this undefined relationship we shared was something that had long breached friendship and was simply clambering around for more. Our hugs would soothe me even after the most tumultuous day and you would whisper how nice it felt to be wrapped in familiar arms that felt like home. That statement boggled my mind and made me understand why everything with you was alright. Everything was calm, nothing hurt and I felt like I could take on the world. Except you didn’t feel like home - you were home. Home without a warning home packed up and left. Moved to the other side of the country and left me to fend for myself, if that was possible. Home took my strength as it found another occupant who publicised their new residence as I watched home from a distance finally feeling like what I’d become. I was homeless but my home was still there but caring for someone else. That when the demons returned. Except these were new and constantly reminded me of the home I had lost. Reminded me of exactly what the perfect tenant should have been like. It was my fault that I no longer had a home and even now the pain still eats away at me as I close my eyes and try to forget the comfort and safety I was provided before I let it slip through my fingers. If I had noticed what was happening I would have help on harder, fought harder to keep that sense of belonging with me.

Some of us will never graduate college. Some of us will never get a stable job. Some of us will never grow up. Some of us will never be loved. And most of some of us will endure despite knowing the fact that the only thing that truly justified our existence was all our failures.

I’d rather be hated for who I am then be loved for who I am not.